BPDFamily.com

Can any members who have reached "Radical Acceptance" explain what it means in terms of your own experiences? Particularly, what it is and how it's helped with your healing?

Many thanks.

At first, I could not accept her behavior post-breakup. I was torn to pieces and devastated... .deeply hurt by her and how she was behaving. I have seen a taste of her dysregulation before but it was NEVER anything like this. It was a 4 year relationship, my longest and her longest (with the exception of one two year relationship prior to me... .I am her longest by far - most of hers last weeks at a time, maybe a month or two tops) I really thought I knew her and my mind was spinning the first time we separated for a month over 2 years into the relationship... that is when I examined the situation and looked at both her mom and my ex... .I have a degree in psychology... when I apply it to my own life though, its a bit more difficult. But, I sat back and just observed her and her family and studied the situation and a lightbulb went off in my head "BPD". So, I asked my ex if she has been to therapy before and she said that once her family went after her younger sister committed suicide and the therapist discussed BPD with both my ex and her mom as a diagnosis for both of them. eureka. it all made sense.

over the next 2 years, she was in a lucid period... up until last july. she went off the deep end, we separated ... .and her BPD symptoms manifested in a powerful way.

which brings me to radical acceptance. I could not accept that my ex is an alcoholic, promiscuous, dangerously impulsive, changing her personality and style, taking up completely different interests than I have seen her take up in the 4 years of our relationship... I could not accept her violent aggressive outbursts, yo-yo back and forth push pull behavior... .I could not accept her treatment of me after all this time, here denigration of me and minimization of the vows to one another we took... I could not accept her unpredictable behavior... .I just couldn't wrap my mind around it all and it absolutely drove me to the verge of insanity... .because she would say "I do have BPD. I need help" at times but never ever act upon it.

4 months into the break up, even though we still share our residence together for the time being... .the fog is beginning to clear... .that sick feeling in my stomach and heaviness in my heart is starting to evaporate. I realize this: my ex will not seek treatment unless she wants to... .nothing will make her see the light. there is nothing I or anyone else can do. trying to reason with her or save her is  letting her pull me into her storm. I realize it is time for me to let go and just accept that this is who she is. the person I thought she was for 4 years just isn't there. Radical acceptance is accepting the fact that her BPD will run the course it is going to run and it is beyond my control. I must see it for what it is. the only thing I can control is me and my own life... my own feelings and reactions. Radical acceptance is just letting go and realizing that you have to take your BPD for what they are - there is no changing them or forcing them into therapy. If you want to keep trying with them - accept that this is what you will be going through with them. If you decide it is dangerous to your and your life and you cannot handle the chaos- you must leave and be gone.

Simply put radical acceptance is taking a traumatic event or something that causes us lot of pain and suffering in our lives and we stop fighting it and accept reality for what it is with our mind, body and spirit. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. For me I reached the last stage of radical acceptance near the end of my healing. It provide for me peace and accepting my ex wife. I felt anxiety if I had to see my ex wife at child exchanges and I noticed that it also took away that anxiety.