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I've been NC with my dad since I was 19, so almost 20 years, and on-off with my mom since I was 15.  Both parents abused and neglected me and overall I have been happier and healthier without them in my life.

But I have a half brother in another state from Mom and her BF from when she was young, whom I only met at age 26 - he had been adopted 10 years before I was born.  He and I stay in a bit of contact, but for me it's a little weird, and I totally admit I am not good at relationships with anyone related by blood.  Mostly because no one can understand the madhouse I lived in isolated and alone with two diagnosed manic-depressive/bi-polar people with ASD/BPD behavior, and so can't understand my being NC.

The half brother, not having grown up with her and growing up with a pretty decent adopted family (so it seems) is much like other people who brush off the BPD enmeshment and FOG as "something ALL moms do".  I was Mom's caretaker as a child, starting around age 7.  She has an addiction to pain medications like Seconal, Fiorinal, and their buddies, and I was tasked with allowing her to stay tranq-ed in bed and fetch, cook and clean for her.  I was her source of emotional supply, and to be a little her in life to make up for things she didn't get to be or do.  And if she was sad, angry or upset about anything, it was somehow my fault.  That's a lot for kid, and toss in having dad yell at/beat you if mom was in a bad mood, and have both of them ignore you for days so you had to feed yourself and get yourself off to school alone, no family, no friends, no neighbors, just crazy at home and awkward at school, it sets you up for lots of FOG, and makes it hard to want to re-enter any of that once you break free.

But, the brother managed to activate my guilt a few months back and I unblocked Mom from Facebook.  It seemed a small thing, and nothing came of it, and I forgot about it.  I did not seek her out, friend her, or anything.  Well, this past weekend, she reached out to me with a friend request.  And I had a panic attack over something so silly.  I deleted the request after deliberating for a few days, and now feel guilty.  Because of her BPD, and criminal actions like hot checks and shoplifting it makes her feel justified in doing, she left the state when I was in my late 20s, and we entered into a period of NC.  Then we started talking via phone again for a while, but she proved to still be unstable and kept changing her number because she couldn't keep up with an account, and creditors started calling me.

She has always, at least as long as I can remember, had issues with hot check and credit accounts.  She stole the money in my started bank account when I was 10 from my paper route.  She cashed in all my savings bonds, pawned the family silver, and we STILL got evicted Christmas week when I was 14 because she didn't pay rent (and subsequently over dosed to avoid having to admit it).  So, I went NC again at about 33 years old, because somehow not talking to her prevents her from using my information on her credit applications.  Or the information for my FI's mother (that really pissed me off when she started doing that).

Anyway, Mom is about 69, now.  Her birthday is the day after Christmas.  I am getting married in May.  I would like to have a mom to share that with, and FI's mom has stepped in as she can, but she has her own issues, some from her poor health, others from her own PD issues (animal and stuff hoarder).  I don't know if I am strong enough to handle her being back in my life, and feel guilty for ignoring a lonely almost 70-year-old woman.  And I know that's how she gets me - I feel guilty, because it's what I was taught.  Am I wrong to just want to ignore both parents until they are gone?  Dad was an ogre and kicked me out (and lied to everyone he could about me running away).  He is alive, and lives nearby, and the few times I encountered him I was in fight-or-flight mode, he still has that power in my head.  Mom - I can't see I'll ever heal enough to not have issues with her.  I have PTSD from both of them, from being so isolated, and have worked long and hard to try to have 'normal' interactions with friends and FI's family.  I just want to cry over this - I feel bad every holiday season for being a BPD orphan, and guilty, and it's Mom's birthday.  FI's grandmother passed in August, and she was better to me as a family member than my parents usually could ever be, and this is the first Christmas without her, and that is making me terribly sad, and FI and I are worried about his family will behave this Christmas - I don't want stress from my family topping that.  So I guess I am a coward and will just re-block her for now.  I don't know.  Part of me thinks it's manageable, just interacting online.  And part of me feels it's opening a door I might need closed.

Sorry, I just need to type on here - it's hard to talk about this with most people.  It helps me get it out. 

I am glad you were able to get your story out  You are among people here who know how difficult and lonely it can be being the child of BPD parents.


How exactly did he trigger guilt in you? What did he say or do?

Guilt is a powerful emotion. Pete Walker has written about complex PTSD and he also says something about guilt:

"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

Do you perhaps too think that your guilt is actually fear in disguise? And if you do, what do you think you are scared of?

Take care

Kwamina,

Thanks for responding.

He asked me bluntly to get back into contact with her, stating is wouldn't cause any harm, etc., everyone's mom acts like her to some degree, and so forth.  He minimized how I feel about it, which is common when talking to someone who did not grow up in this.  So, I questioned my choices, and if I was just being mean or not, and lifted the block.

I guess I am afraid of the brother disapproving of my desire to maintain NC, because he can't understand it.  I am afraid of being a bad daughter, and of abandoning my mother - which I DO feel I have in a way, but insisting on staying in the state I moved to as a teenager.  But the alternative, the only other alternative is pretty much I give up all of my life I've fought to build since I was 15, and move up to take care of her like I used to, pretty much until she dies. 

I accept that I have made a conscious decision to live without parents.  I did not crawl back to my dad when he kicked me out, and I told my mom to leave me alone until she could stop giving my name and information out to creditors (which she still denies).  I live like an orphan, but they are still breathing somewhere - Dad one city over, Mom several states away.

And I am afraid of being made to relive the crazy, falling back into FOG if I allow her or him access to me ever again.  I don't feel very resilient anymore.  I feel a lot like I've used up a lot of my defenses and strength - it's been a hard few years without my parents being in the picture with layoff and other issues, and I feel a bit like glass.  FI's family has been awesome to me overall, but they have their own fleas and drama, and just dealing with that is making this a hard month.  So I feel like a coward, hiding from my mom.

Is there possibly a reason he needs this from you? Is your brother in contact with your mother? Is it possible to have a relationship with your brother without discussions of your mother?




I don't think having the fortitude and courage to forge your own way in this world is abnormal. Parents and children part ways to some extent as children become adults so that children can grow into their own lives. That's not to say you have to remain NC, maybe becoming comfortable with having strong boundaries to protect yourself if you do decide to have contact. Would this need to be the case with your brother too? Sounds like he is pushing you pretty hard.


This sounds like totally abandoning yourself. Jumping from NC to this sounds extreme. Maybe baby steps are in order? What would those look like?

Hi Suzn,

The brother IS in contact with her - he was adopted and raised in her homestate, to where she fled from the law in my state.  I don't know how often they speak, and frankly, he and I don't talk all that much, as to me, it's talking to a person who is pretty much a stranger I share DNA with.  This is the same for my dad's family, who I met at 15, and was only partially accepted until age 19 when he licked me out of his house for, among other things, reminding him he ever married my mother.  He also disowned his kids from his first marriage, so this is a common thing for him to do.

The brother I share with mom has not really spoken to me much since about the time he asked me to lift my ban on social media or talk to her.  I've reached out to him via text message and such, Facebook, but get no response, so may he's put ME into NC.  I think he's disappointed I'm not having some elaborate wedding he can attend, but FI an I, partly due to his and my family issues are essentially eloping to the Caribbean.  And we have asked friends and family who have the means to try to come to respect us by letting us do this, just us.  FI doesn't want anyone there, especially his mom or sister, and were we getting married here, my dad would LOVE to come make me uncomfortable and cry if he could.  We'd planned on getting some sort of restraining order or door-person to keep him away if we got married locally. 

Baby steps - no.  I have tried over and over to re-instate limited long distance contact.  And then the creditors start calling me, asking where mom is, why she's not paying her bills.  And she denies she gives out my number, but we have not shared a roof since I was 15, or a last name since I was 15, and many of my bills are in FI's name, and I still have my dad's last name.  The paper trail between mom and me is not easily traced.  So I know she is giving my number out.  She admitted to me she uses my dad's social to get cell phones somehow.  I know she has mine memorized, and check my credit report regularly.  Hell, she made ME memorize his SSN, as we were military and she thought it would be needed someday.  The last time I asked her to not give out my number, she denied it, again, and then hung up on me.  10 minutes later, I get a nasty text message from her neighbor, a lady I've never spoken to or met, telling me how horrible I am.  I wonder how she got my number?

I am not good at holding my own with her.  Dad was loud, physically violent in my younger years, and his emotional instability lead to suicide threats and such.  In my teens, he tried to hide all of this behind a nicer face, but when he wanted, was just as manipulative and guilt-trippy as mom.  I know the only thing that will make her "happy" is for me to come live with her, work so she doesn't have to, cook, clean, etc. so she doesn't have to, and be her clone.  She lies as it suits her to stay a victim, from being fired, evicted and caught shop lifting (My boss hates me that's why I was fired, my landlady is lying of course I paid rent, I didn't put that jewelry in my purse, it was planted).  We have bailed her out of jail.  FI's parents came with me once to salvage as much as we could before all her possessions were put up for auction by her landlady last time she got arrested, and rescued her cats at the same time.  We thought letting her stay in jail a few days might shake her up and get her straight, but she just got mad, got her stuff, and left the state.  She is diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  She is supposed to be on lithium and/or effexor to stay somewhat straight in her emotions, but since it makes her gain weight, she refuses to take it.  Because she is pretty much only a danger to herself, she is not seen as worth keeping tabs on.  I asked an attorney once about getting a power of attorney to be able to take control of some of her affairs when I was in my mid-20s, and he said it'd be hard if she fought it and we could not prove incompetence.  She is crafty enough, lucid enough, that will not happen, and if she's going to fight me, I don't need that battle.

And I guess that's where I stand.  FI's got issues with his own family right now, which are coming to head with the holidays.  And I just spoke to a friend with a toxic family who understands, and she told me it's okay to keep my distance if that's what keeps me safe and sane.  So I will try to let go of the holiday guilt and keep my distance.

My apologies, I was under the impression you wanted contact. I was going to suggest a PO box, maybe start with letters?  :)

I get it though, I have an aunt who has done very similar things. I'm sorry your dad and his family aren't in a healthier place. 

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, it sounds like it will be lovely and you two are doing things your way, on your terms. Good for you!

Suzn,

I think it's more accurate to say I'd love to be able to have contact in a safe way, I just have not found it so NC is best overall.  And, typically at the holidays and with my wedding coming up, I find myself mourning my lack of a family, and wish I had a mom like all my friends to share things like dress shopping with.  The only friend who I know did not have a mom helping or sharing with wedding planning lost hers to lung disease a few years before her wedding.  IN fact, she postponed it due to her mom's death and guilt over not planning her wedding faster while she was alive (she was holding out hope her mom would get better and be at the wedding.  She sadly did not).  I got the few remaining single girls in our group and we asked her since we'd not been dress shopping if we could come with her (I figured it was going to be hard for her to do this alone).  She let us come, and it was a good day, and I think it helped her.

I was terrified to go dress shopping, but figured I'd just go alone since we are eloping and I have no attendants or guests, or sisters, aunts, cousins, etc.  My friends and FI's mom were totally awesome, though, and insisted on coming, even though they were all married and it wasn't like they had wedding-fever or anything.  But I still wish I had a mom to do things with, even though I am 38 years old.  I think this stupid Facebook thing just triggers that grief, and guilt over whether I could have prevented it by being a better kid, by being less selfish and just doing what she wants.  It's not rational, and I get that.  And I know intellectually that she is toxic enough I can't be in touch with her.  But the hurt never seems to 100% go away. 

No it probably doesn't ever fully go away unfortunately. I think deep down inside, no matter how much we've been able to radically accept reality as it is, a part of us might still always long or hurt for the life we never had with our parents. Especially during big events such as holidays and big life events such as weddings and the times leading up to those events, I think the contrast between the life with our BPD parents and that of people with non-disordered parents is greatly magnified. Acceptance really is tough and something which requires continual work.