BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

I just reactivated my account, its been a few years since I have been actively following this board.  We had a brief intermission of sanity. However it now seems like chaos is controlling our days again.   My DD is BPD, or rathering showing traits of BPD.   She is co-dependent, jumps from one boy to the next.  This lates and not-greatest boyfriend is just bringing back alot of garbage into our lives.  On the outside he seems like an innocent doofus. On the inside he is just really screwed up by his parents - long story and not the focus really.

Our DD had been doing well, with the typical bumps in the road of an overemotional and easily dysregulated teen. She is now however  just heading off the board.  I have a kiddo fluctuating between wanting to be an adult and independent and then 2 minutes later acting like a toddler, impulsive, demanding.

We have been in this arena for about 4 years now and exhaustion is kicking in. Husband acknowledges the issue, understands it but has his own issue with anxiety and conflict. He is of no help. Takes the run and hid or pretend its not happening approach.  My 10 year old is picking up all this lovely sass that.  I know how thoughts of taking the boy and getting out of dodge, in my dreams, which I wouldn't.

DD has finished a year of DBT group and sees a great specialist but the reality is therapy only works when you put the effort in. DD sees no end in sight. COunts this as her 'time', tries to control the sessions, tries and succeeds in fooling a lot of people at school. Even seemed to be fooling the Psych until this week and we have independent feedback on behaviour. -- Usually its a she said-she said argument in psych or therapy about where reality lies.

My biggest concern right now is the turning 18 issue.  She turned 17 two months back and is already talking about all the stuff she is doing when she is 18 and I have no say over her choices.  Things like belly button rings, cartilage piercing, tattoos, etc.  I don't really care so much what she decides, but the reality is I don't like them, I am not signing off on it. She can wait.  The conversation has no erupted into I go out, and you can't stop me, etc.

Does anyone have an practical advice for how to prep for when they turn 18. Unfortunately this will be in the beginning of her Senior year, so my involvement in school will be restricted. Not sure I will even be abel to see her grades, as I know she will cut that off.   We discuss how expensive it is to be independent. I think the only way to really  'protect' her future (make sure she is attending school, etc) will be to hold finances over her head. She will never be able to afford the lifestyle she wants.

Someone directed me to a lawyer for power of attorney, but not sure NJ will actually allow that for mental health issues, that is moreso for cognitively disabled.

We are not demanding parents, we expect good grades as she transferred to a votech and her coursework is really watered down compared to our local HS.  We expect her to contribute to the household by picking up after herself, doing her wash, and loading/unloading the dishwasher.  Even her therapists has talked to her about her need to meet our minimal expectations. Still alot of attitude, alot of regression, not fun to be around.

Fear she will either move out and we will never see her except for money requests or she will never leave and we will be stuck living with an obnoxious and disruptive person for way longer than we want.

UGH.

So sorry about that I was trying to insert a quote and ended up copying your whole msg out again... .twice!

Anyway... The piercings tattoos etc are your "biggest concern" rignt now

You say you expect her to do her chores around the house but does she carry through on these?

oh dear, thanks for reconnecting her for an 18th birthday.

I remember when my dd turned 18.  It was more than horrible, calling the cops on me, leaving home, living on the streets, dropping out of school.  I had NO say nor control and was not blessed yet to have fully found this board when it all began.

In hind sight the best you can do is to prepare yourself to validate, give-up control, know she is carving her own path and your happiness and life should be based upon FOG.

The upside is there is hope.  My dd eneded up graduating at the last minute with on-line classes and is now a certified medical assistant.

The lip, multiple ear and nose rings holes all closed up.  Unfortunately there are names of 4 boys tattooed on here along with some other tats, but hey it's her body.

SO my advice is stay current here, read for your sanity not how to 'fix' her and be kind to your yourself.

 Thanks twojaybirds

Infinite eyes- my big concern is transitioning to perceived adulthood while she is still in high school and insulating my son from the drama

She carries through with minimal help around the house -  We want her to know how to be self sufficient - it is a   drain on'me to get her there. We also believe in the balance of responsibility and freedom. She just wants the freedom. She can play dirty with triangulating my son when she doesn't want to hold up her end of the responsibility.

I know where it comes from though just seems to be intensifying

Thank you for asking about this. I would like to see how others handle this too. My DD is 16, and I'm already anxious about the "turning 18 day" She's into declaring that's the day she will no longer have to listen to us, and we will have no control over her. She is behind in school, so she will still be finishing high school at and possibly after 18.  We too, talk about how she will have the means to support herself, but she really has no concept. Ideally, she will try to strike out on her own, struggle a little, and realize home isn't such a bad place, but a warm, soft place to fall. Of course I worry like crazy though, as she tends to find trouble, and other troubled peers. I worry most about her safety when she becomes suicidal, and I'm not there. Will she reach out to me? Will I always be on crisis alert? Do we cut off her phone? Why do I worry about this now, when I can barely see one day ahead of time? I guess because the day is coming. How have others handled?

Being an adult comes with many privileges, privileges come with many responsibilities.

Letting go of the idea of control is beneficial to us as parents... .what do we really have the power to control apart from ourselves?  We can provide opportunities... .like therapy and what our kids do with it is outside of our control.

My daughter too voiced her desire to have piercings and tattoos.  She has been living independent from me now for a year and thus far only has a bellybutton piercing and that is recent.  When she was living at home and voiced these desires and asked for my assistance in making it happen I would reply "Sure, when you're an adult you can do whatever you want to pay for"

All the preparation in the world isn't enough for our kids with traits (or any other kid) to transition without fears or trials into the adult world independently.  It is a right of passage that teaches them valuable lessons.  As young adults with emotional disorders they will need more support than some.  The key is to support without enabling. 

I am the go to person for my d19 when situations come up that she cannot handle, when she is emotionally distraught, and when she has exciting news to share.  Is this outside of "normal"... .no.  The focus before she moved out on her own was having a supportive, non enabling, healthy relationship with her.  This is where we have control and what will become a stabilizing factor in our kids' lives when they become young adults.


lbjnltx

This is what we have been reinforcing at home and her therapist reinforces in session.  Its not sinking in.


I can only hope for that. Right now she wants nothing to do with us. Its all about her current dysfunctional boyfriend. She can barely make it through a meal with a less-than-disgusted look on there face.

Her BF is totally dysfunctional, and we now discovered we are going through os much breakfast food, because she seems to be brining him breakfast every day (and leaving at trail of trash behind). 

She is not sharing anything with us... .puts on a total farce of a face, school's fine, basketball try-outs fine, etc. I don't think she even went to tryouts and then we get a call from dean of discipline that she has been suspended. Hmmm... .want to tell me about that before the school calls? But no. She is using this dysfunctional boy as her rock. Its scary.

I guess we really want to prevent her from screwing up her future, but we are feeling locked into a watching a bad soap opera unravel because the more we try to "be there" the more she distances herself.

I think most of us had the same relationship dynamics with our teen girls with traits.  It is a common theme that peers have more influence on each other than the parents do (this is true for teens without disorders too).

It can be difficult to find opportunities to build a relationship.  Difficult doesn't mean impossible.  Keep making the effort... .that's where you have power.  Being spontaneous usually succeeds far better than making plans.  Is it difficult to have stressfree interactions to build the relationship?  Yes... .and again not impossible.  Staying in the moment and letting go of the past and fears of the future is necessary to make this happen.

What we are able to offer our kids and ourselves is based on our own limitations.  As our limitations diminish/change what we can offer, cope with, and radically accept change too. 


lbjnltx

Thank you. I also have a 17 year old. This was very helpful a