BPDFamily.com

I have to keep posting so I don't feel crazy myself. Ex has daughter while I work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday evenings.I have to go in an hour early tomorrow for a coworker. I am trying to limit asking ex for anything so I asked my mom to watch daughter and hand her off to ex. I texted ex and said " I have to go in early tomorrow my mom will be here when you pick her up at 2." He said " I see what you did there lol... .I am excited to see her at 2. I usually pick her up at 2:30. You sure you want to change that?" You good with this?" I responded " I have to be to work at 2:30 on Thursdays, so you have been picking her up around 2." He actually argued with me! " Okay I have been picking her up at 2:30, now you want it 2, that's fine."  I've had this job for 4 and a half years, Thursdays is 2:30, if I have to be in at 2:30 I am certainly not exchanging daughter at 2:30. So I just forwarded him our old texts talking about 2! Showed him he has been picking her up at 2, not 2:30. So I just said from here out just to clarify I need you to pick up daughter at 2 Thursdays, 4:30 Fridays, and 2:30 Saturday. He said "I am confused with all the seeing her and then to two days if that. I'm interested in chatting about more time with her in the future." I said "Thursday, Friday, Saturday is 3 days, not 2." He says " Friday and Saturday being the 2 days, I only have a few hours with her on Thursday, Why you always out up a defense? The reality is he has 6 hours on Thursday, 4 hours on Friday, and 6 on Saturday. This is beyond bizarre.

To tell the truth, that's confusing to me, too  :)

He can dysregulate. Maybe after he said,." You sure you want to change that?" Reply with,."Yes, thanks." BIFF it. Less is more (or less is less frustration).

You're frustrated, sure, but trying to explain things seemed to confuse a person who's already easily confused.

I really don't want to go along with crazy. In the past few weeks he has thanked me for asking him to take daughter while I had an eye appointment, then accused me of "eliminating" him from her life, then said I use him as a fill in, then he didn't want daughter to see Santa with me, then said he wanted us all to go see a Santa together, said he had never been late picking her up, now he is saying he has been picking her up later than he actually has, probably why he is always late, even though it's usually only about 15 minutes late. Now he is texting saying after Christmas he wants to redo our schedule so he can have her more, but he doesn't want to do any paperwork for court, just him and I agree, even though he still doesn't have a job or a home. It's like talking with a kid, 3 days a week equals 2 and 2:30 to be at work means 2:30 to drop off daughter. The dentist called last week to reschedule daughter's appointment since he's going on vacation. I emailed ex about the appointment change and he hasn't even responded to that. He will probably accuse me of not telling him. I am not going to remind him. It's like seriously I have to mother him for him to father her. Just venting. I don't know how you guys do this for years.

None of us consciously signed up for "crazy," or in most of the cases, parenting an adult child. I had a minr incident tonight, in fact.

Speakng from a Leaver point of view, it seems like he's still too attached to you, as in looking to you for direction and (probably most frustrating) validation. Boundaries in communication are a good way to keep yourself safe. The accusations are certainly maddening. Answering beyond what you are legally obligated to do seems to incite their drama-making.

IMO, the trick to co-parenting (or even parallel parenting) is to balance leaving/detaching tools with Staying tools, since we're still in some kind of r/s with the fathers and mothers of our children. It's definitely not simple, nor is there a one-size-fits-all template here.

It appears to me that ex is just trying to extend the conversation. Like a car salesman.  I would simply shorten my messages, continue to ask the question I need answered, and don't entertain or acknowledge the rest.  This takes practice, but it is necessary for you to not go crazy or think you're going crazy.  I would not have forwarded old texts as that just gives him more material to work with and that is one extra, unnecessary exchange.  Grin and bear it and ignore a lot.

Yeah... .crazy engagement is still engagement.  Don't worry about convincing him that he is remembering wrong--there is no point.  He just likes to get you going, and when you keep going, he wins.

You have much better things that you could be doing... .like watching an apple rot.   :)

Kind of off the wall again. Ex has a woman friend that he stays with alot. She is just platonic, ten years older, he has lived with her a few times over the years, pretty much whenever he has lived in this state. She has 2 teenage daughters. I had never met them. Ex has said alot that the girls look up to him like a big brother, their dad is kind of irresponsible, and almost blind due to diabetes, almost disabled, etc. Ex says he has to cart the girls around alot because their mom is working and their dad can't or won't. I envisioned some guy overweight, sloppy, unintelligent, louse, really. Last night at work(resturaunt) in walked in the girls with this very handsome older man. I recognized the girls from pictures. They are very recognizable, pretty. I went over an introduced myself to them, said I recognized them from pictures. The man was their dad! He could see perfectly fine, was well articulated, funny really, had plenty of money. It was bizarre.

 It's like seriously I have to mother him for him to father her

___________________________________________________________________________________

So agree... It is so frustrating! BPD forgot to come for Thanksgiving and emailed me about  communicating with him. I sent him a short text. "I didn't think I have to remind you. Going forward please check and be on time." I try to keep it simple to keep myself not go crazy and ignore much if I expect this going to the twilight zone. Though still things happen. It is hard time to time to figure out which to respond and which to ignore. Sometimes I ask the third person as I seems to feel still obligated to respond to him due to FOG. I too wonder how I am going to do this for the next 16 years (not even divorced yet) but have confident I will get smarter dealing with him. I have to believe in that to keep myself positive.

 

My stbxh made me feel as though I was in the twilight zone at least weekly.

He played with dates and times a lot. I, at times, felt he was just messing with my head.

For instance, my daughters were dismissed from school at 2:15, almost every school day for 3 years. My daughters avoided getting rides from him, as he rage drove ... .speeding, running stop signs, etc and tended to yell at them while they were stuck in a moving vehicle. 

They called him to pick them up one day. He showed up at 2pm and left horribly berating voicemails to them because they would not answer his back to back multiple calls (both in class, did not have phones with them) and if they were not outside in 2 minutes, he was leaving them (dismissal is 2:15).

Another time he went off about them having cell phones. He wanted them to take the wireless housephones with them to school/games/activities in case of emergency