BPDFamily.com

I have a challenge for members of the Leaving Board. I hope to get some responses. Don't let me down.

After seeing many members here over the last year or so beat themselves up, especially lately on this board, I would like to pose a question.

Mostly what I read Nons say over and over and over is something a long the lines of "I pushed them away, I was a jerk, I am unlovable, I am bad, I should of did more, the BPD ex views me as bad so I must be or maybe I am bad, I deserved it, I could of been better, I am messed up, I need help, what is wrong with me etc... .etc... ."  

I don't think it is narcissistic to notice some goodness within ourselves. If you don't see good within yourself remember though at least for a time your partner saw it there inside you.

I don't remember hearing many members describe themselves in much detail as being good people or having any great qualities or reference any faith or as being positive, nice, good, beautiful or unique. "I gave and gave and was stepped on in return" is the typical vibe. "I am a giver and a sacrificer". What did you give? Goodness and love away or you bought things or you were a sperm donor or what? It's mostly "I am messed up and a codependant and I caused them to leave me and they (the pwBPD) were really messed up too a long with me".

Without saying one negative word about yourself. Let's hear some good things about your character, soul or being. Inspire yourself and someone else here by doing it is my challenge to you.

This thread is meant to be in no way critical or derogatory toward any person who has a poor self image. I am just trying to encourage someone, anyone or everyone to see something good inside yourself.

I think it takes great care to make this post for all of us. Thank you.

The one thing I can thank my person that brought me to this site for is the realization that I needed to heal from the abuse I endured as a child because I finally realized I did nothing wrong. I took her covert hostility to hang on to the moments of kindness. All from the lack of validation in my child self.

Nobody could have loved her more than I had, I couldn't have been more of a giver, listener, selfless, kind partner in every way.

As heartbreaking as it is that she didn't ask for her condition, she also didn't ask any professional to repair it. I can walk away knowing she was lucky to have met me, whether she utilized it in the right way or not.

Also, I tend to have moments here and there where it frustrates me how much time I gave her, but it was meant to be. The lengthy relationship was meant to be because ten years ago I would have blamed myself 100%.

From here on, I must heal.

Hey AwakenedOne,

This post has put a big smile on me. Right now, it's rainy and murky where I live but home already feels cozier. So, thank you for this :)

I know I'm a good person and I also know that I'm a very brave person as well. Some things about me are innate, I don't think I did anything in particular to develop them. But I'm happy that I have them. I'm a helpful person who likes sharing and doesn't betray her friends. And our friendship isn't built at the cost of damaging other people, either (look at this wound of triangulation from the BPD). My friends trust me. Whatever I've done, I know that there are safe people in my life on whose sofas I'd be able to crush for the rest of my life and they know that they can come to my sofa, too. I went through my divorce with the help of this support system from a small circle of friends and the chicken or tomato soups they made for me. I've had at least three people saying ":)on't stay in your house on your own, I've just made a bed for you." When I expressed how thankful I was for everything they did, my friends said something along the lines of ":)on't be silly, you've done so much for us so many times."  And I realized at that moment that certain things I did for my friends naturally, thinking that anyone would do them anyway are actually appreciated a lot by people. Yes, I know am a good person.

More importantly, I know that I'm a good person because of an ethical framework. Basically, I have consciously chosen to be good, have thought about what it means to be good and have started acting so - even though it makes my legs tremble with fear sometimes. For this, I have had to think about what it means to be good and it wasn't so easy because I'm neither religious nor a moralist. So, how can I be good on a concrete basis? This may have so many answers at so many levels, and I believe some will be eternally ambivalent. However, on a very simple, mundane scale of things, my description  of being good is that no matter what I do, I should be honest and transparent enough to other people so that they can make up their own minds about my actions or whatever we are sharing. I never lie to people or hide things from people to ensure love from them. Never create false impressions, omissions because I may be afraid of hurting them or losing them. I find myself brave for this. Yes, I may lose people, yes I may hurt them and I may hurt even but in the end of they day, nobody should attempt to create a "false" reality for someone else. To me, this is a violation of human freedom without them even knowing about this, and I don't do this. People have the inalienable right to decide for themselves and shape their lives knowingly. I don't operate on a level of basic self-interest. I am able to recognize the existence of the "other". I find myself brave for this, too.

I'm a good person because I value differences. I wouldn't like to live in a world or in relationships where the other lives in accord with what I think is a good life, or agrees with my opinions, way of life etc at the cost of their personality. Some of their traits, choices may feel uncomfortable to me etc, still I strive to create an atmosphere where everyone is safe to express their needs, wants etc. I put conscious effort into not blocking people like this with my comments, body language etc. I don't emotionally punish or avenge people covertly.

I think this my framework of "goodness" in which someone else can experience who I am, my sense of humour, my silliness, my complete lack of seriosity in certain things and my idealism in others, my actions and reactions, my cooking or dancing, whatever.

thisworld,

That is beautiful and means so much to me. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

Thank you for this.  I did spend much of my adult life (and most of my relationship with my ex) beating myself up about who/what I was.  A few years ago, after some sessions with a therapist who kept encouraging me to take care of myself instead of focusing on my husband and his needs as well as my kids.  I started to dig deep and found some strength and character to work on my lifelong weight problem and started the process that has brought to losing 140 lbs.  That led to working on self esteem.

I now know (and friends tell me all the time) that I have a huge reserve of strength.  I've been through a lot in my life, from early on with being neglected as a child and removed from my birth family at 3 years old and subsequently adopted, to sexual assault in my early teens and rape in my late teens.  Then I married my first husband who was physically abusive and controlling. A few months after leaving him, I met the man I spent 15 years with who had undiagnosed BPD. We went through hell when his son from his first marriage disclosed years of sexual abuse in his mother's home and a few years later, attempted to sexually abuse my younger daughter.  That's when the scabs seemed to peel off my husband's issues and raging began.    I've raised 2 amazing girls (one is 21, one is 11) and have a career I love.  I have much more inner strength than I thought I did. :-)

AwakenedOne,

Thank You for starting this thread. I had been raised to believe I was a bad person.  That my feelings were bad if they went against what my mum thought I should be feeling.Oh, how the world would reject and punish a horrible daughter like me. 

Truth is that I am an understanding empath with a big heart. There is a strength and standard of fairness and compassion about me. I will go the extra mile. The ability to see humor and beauty in individuals.Patience and forgiveness. Supportive and honest. Good communication skills.

Actually I am a great catch! Need to avoid BPD guys.

Thanks much to those who have shared here. Looking within is stressed at the site in ways but I think it is very important to look at the positive or good within us also instead of only our past mistakes and how to correct them or one may become stressed, depressed and overwhelmed. Sometimes when I read stories here I wish I could give the member a hug.

Yay for this topic! Thanks for starting it!

When my life blew up, almost exactly a year ago, I found myself in need of a place to stay in my home town, where I hadn't lived in 20 years. I wrote to an old friend who still lives there--someone I'd once been good friends with but had only been in sporadic contact with in the previous two decades, because she has a big network. I asked her to put the word out that I was looking for a cheap room to rent.

She wrote back and said, what about MY house? She cleared out a room in her basement, had a new floor and baseboard heat installed, and helped me paint it a color she let me pick out (and paid for the paint because she knew I couldn't afford it). She rented it to me for a nominal amount of money--much less than she could have gotten. She wasn't looking for a roommate. She just wanted me there!

Truly I was a MESS. I spent every evening for weeks sobbing on her couch while we ate dinner on TV trays, and she didn't make me feel embarrassed. She just kept telling me how awesome I am--how funny and smart and talented, how there is no one like me.

I moved out after a few months, because I found a better location and because she really hadn't wanted a roommate--she was just being a good friend. And she said the room was mine, whenever I needed it.

A whole lot of people showed me love when I was in crisis--many old friends, my sister, my brother and his wife. And you know what? I am quite sure the same would not have been possible for my ex. He hardly has any friends.

I must be a good person, because I am surrounded by old friends who love me. I must be good company, because they truly want me around, even when I am an emotional wreck.

I have something to add to this thread.

As far as noticing a "goodness"?... .

Tonight I went to an internet café to do some online research for my job. I carried my laptop up to the front and ordered some food and when I was getting out of line a guy that was at the beginning of the line told me a sad story of how he wished to get a sandwich because he and his wife are struggling etc... .etc... .I didn't have time to stand and wait in line again to buy the dude a sandwich. So I said I am going to trust you. He said you can trust me with a friendly kind-like smile. I gave him a five dollar bill. He tells me "thanks" as he looks at the menu. I bring my food to the table and plug the computer in because I had a huge deadline to get work done fast. By the time my computer is plugged in which is less than 2 minutes from when I gave the guy the money he disappeared out the door. He didn't wait in line for sure. He took the money and left. I was there a while and he never came back either.

My thoughts on this matter in the order that they arose in my brain.

1. I was mad at myself for trusting a stranger with even five dollars.

2. I was mad that he took advantage of my kindness.

3. I questioned myself on whether or not that I am a fkn idiot?

4. I realized that I was a kind person to someone.

5. I wished that small amount of money has some positive use to him.

Thanks for reading.