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I feel like I am about to start sobbing at work. Logically I know this is better - no contact is healthier for me (even if it wasn't my choice).

Illogically, though, I miss them so much. It hurts my heart and head to think how much they despise me, how much they think I was a terrible influence in their life, etc.

It seems like projection, and from what others in their life told me I was a good part of it, etc.

Right now my brain doesn't care that they hit me; doesn't care that they tore me down verbally over and over; doesn't care they pushed and pulled until I was too disoriented to know what to expect.

Eventually the pain will go away. Eventually I won't think about them.

I hated how they treated me. The bad more than outweighed the good. Things I started to normalize were anything but, and I cannot believe I let myself get sucked into this (re)cycle. It had never happened before, and never can I let it happen again.

My boundaries are (generally) really good; very clear. With this person they became muddled in the murky depths of what they were feeling at that moment. They would share everything with me, and then complain and point out it felt like I never shared. And somehow, instead of saying "that is your choice," or "I see that's how you feel; I feel differently," I took it as the truth. Everything they said became the truth.

I second guessed myself, my motives/intentions, my feelings, my truths. They would deny it to the day that they pointed out at one moment they were abusive towards me. They acknowledged it.

It was such a tangled web of pain, by the end. Heck, by the middle.

But it still hurts with such an acute, sharp pain that I can't ignore it. Not yet. Hopefully soon. But not yet.

Thank you.

All the best to you alwaysT_Time

I think you may find this quite easier than you think. You seem to have analysed your situation well and that's very healthy and you couldn't be off to a greater start.

I'm in the same boat of you as of today. Cried my eyes out terribly this afternoon.

If your regret is based on you wishing things were different then (we both) need to move on from that quick. It wasn't ever going to be different. It was always going to be what it is was going to be.

I salute your courage for getting this far.

Take care.

I sobed at work for months. In the car by myself. Catching myself in the car when the kids were in back. I can't say how much time it will take, but feeling what you are feeling needs to happen in order to heal. Denying and stuffing our feelings is invalidating ourselves.