BPDFamily.com

   Been a bit since I've posted an update.  Been very busy with things (move).  We closed on our new house.  Big load off my mind!    I've got about a week to week and a half of work on our old house to have it ready for the renters that will be moving in soon.    I'm here in house with S15 and S13 that are finishing up their semester of school (in about a week) before heading to new location and starting school up there after Christmas.  They are helping me do projects.  Very enjoyable ":)ad/Son stuff".  Relationship with my wife has been going well.  I've kept communication generally short and not every day.  There have been a couple days where she seemed in good spirits and I was too, so the conversation went to the 15-20 minute mark.  Space (in the relationship) has been good for me and I suspect for her as well.  Couple times we got to the haven't talked to her in 3 days or so and I was genuinely missing her and it felt good to hear her voice and reconnect.  She is staying busy with her teaching job and seems to like it.  I'm going to a Christmas party (for her work) tomorrow evening.  Should be interesting.    She has made some comments about enjoying teaching, but that she is not part of the social circle there.  I listen but haven't given any advice.    She directly asked for help getting her resume together.  I gave her some copies of mine to use as a template and did some proof reading for her.  Then backed away.  Really, other than listening and asking a few questions about how things went, I've not been very involved.    She hasn't asked about my job search in weeks.  This is good.  I've got an interview set up with my top choice for mid January.  I'm excited about that.    Future issue that I see coming and I have a plan for is what I do with my paycheck from new job (whenever I get one).  History.  We always had joint accounts.  Then wife ran off with some money a couple years ago.  Started her own account.  Her $$ from her teaching job before the move went to her own account.  Big household bills got paid from joint.  She is at a new bank in new location.  She mentioned that if I wanted I could go joint on that account once I get up there.  I said I would consider it haven't discussed further.  Eventually, I would like to get to a family account where big bills are paid from.  Then she has her own account and I have my own account.  If anyone has any experience with changing up money flow like this, let me know.         

FF

Sounds good form flier, I'm glad things are going well for you and yours!

I've been working on changing some financial issues. Quick overview: it was my property with my little house when we got together 12 years ago. He "rented" my deceased mother's house, though I never saw any of the money he said he'd pay me. It became part of the home maintenance and vacation fund.

We built a large addition to the house and a detached studio for him. I had the lion's share of the funds, while he had a much smaller amount which partially built his studio. Due to a dishonest contractor, the building cost ended up significantly higher than expected and basically wiped out nearly all my savings.

In recent years he inherited a significant amount of family money which he has used for his own personal dreams: a very expensive sports car, an extremely high end stereo, very pricey camera equipment, expensive custom-made suits (that he seldom wears). I've asked for money for home maintenance and improvements, which he reluctantly provides.

He surprised me by giving me an American Express card and I sometimes use it for purchases that previously I covered 100%--such as food and materials from the hardware store. At first, it was a big deal when he saw the expenditures on his statement. Lately, not so much. I think he thought I might "go wild" with the card--like he would. But I don't.

I don't know if being stingy is a BPD characteristic, or it's just wanting to be in control, but I've found that by not JADEing, and just making small changes a little at a time that things are a bit more balanced. I was really frustrated in that I was living a lower middle class lifestyle while he was living an upper class lifestyle. When I spent nearly everything I had on our property and overhead and then he'd ask me to pick up a $50 bottle of wine that he, alone, would drink in an evening, it felt really unbalanced.

I'm working on changing up our money flow situation, too. In the past, my husband has had problems with overspending and purchasing things on credit when he was 'feeling bad' or 'pressured'. I would express my disagreement beforehand and after these purchases. (he has also been very opposed to my working -- it causes him distress because I might leave, according to him) So, we talked a few months ago about 'when I got a job', and I said that I wasn't comfortable with putting the money into our joint account because he is untrustworthy with money and I need to have some say in where my earnings go.

So, I've been working for about a month now, and I decided to keep my earnings separate. Sure enough, he decided to get a storage unit (he complains often that we don't have enough to cover the basic bills and have to juggle things to make it work each month). I had expressly said beforehand that I didn't agree that we needed a unit, but he decided to 'do it anyway'. In our discussions afterward, he thought that since I had my own account, he could do whatever he wanted with the joint account. I pointed out that he had been untrustworthy financially in the past, so he has a different situation to deal with and that he had betrayed my trust and disrespected me. After talking about what the definition of respect is, he understood that. He agreed to cancel the agreement for the unit and move the items back to our house. The issue is that he didn't make the decision jointly. It's been 10 days, and the items are still in storage. We'll see if he follows through on the agreement that he made.

My seasonal employment has been a time of 'evaluation' to see what happens. I've been testing things to see how it is. I'm thinking that the more separate option for our finances is better and healthier for me, but it triggers a number of my husband's abandonment fears.

Then, there's the church that says that we should be willing to join our finances... .  I suppose, we should also be able to make joint decisions about those finances.

  Empath, If you really wanted to do it right, and this is something that I am considering.  Each person has their own account.  There is a joint account to pay bills out of.  I think it is still possible to have checks that require two signatures.  If the joint account is set up that way, as a two signature account, .well, there you go.  Compromise is forced for joint issues, and you have your money and he has his.  Get all the storage units he wants with his money.  It's self limiting.   OK, so there are issues with determining how much each person contributes to the joint account.  I suppose we'll solve that in another post.      

FF

Two-signature accounts... .  I suppose that would be the next step, wouldn't it?    Nice and business-like... .

When we were talking originally about the separate accounts, he was thinking that we would each contribute an equal part to the bills. That would have been fine if I had been able to pursue a career for the last 25 years, and we were on equal footing as far as pay is concerned. As it is I am working part time at just above minimum wage, and he has purchased cars that have monthly payments as well as other debts that he has incurred. If I contributed an equal amount, I felt like I would be enabling his behavior (or rescuing him from the consequences of his spending habits, which is what he wants me to do... .), so I am paying a few of my bills out of my earnings.

  I'm in the opposite situation.  My wife has been stay at home.  Recently returned to teaching.  None of her money has gone toward "joint" stuff, house and things like that.  She has spent it on kids clothes and "household things", so not all bad.  I'm still bringing in the lions share of the money and most likely will for the future.    Doesn't have to be equal, or really even fair.    For me, I want to get to the point where I have an account with money in it that I do as I darn well please.      

FF

What we do is have a "household" account which we both have complete access too, either can sign.   And each of us has a separate individual account.   We sat down and went through a budget together.   Which had one or two bumpy moments.   But I am careful to protect my savings and income.   

This is a good topic as money is something many couples argue over. How money is handled is also emotional and connected to how we were raised.

My H and I were students when we met . Then we both worked and had fairly equal incomes. Still he would tend to overspend on himself and not think much about it. It didn't rock the boat much as we still lived modestly. It was when his career advanced and I cut back to raise the kids that the imbalance was an issue. I was contributing but without a paycheck and this was a tough situation when money was the most valued family contribution - at least that's how it was discussed.

From what I have read- the arrangement that does not make one partner less valued than the other is for there to be a joint fund for shared expenses and for each person to have some money of their own to spend. It may not be that each person contributes equally but the value is that each person is an individual and one does not take financial power over the other.

I agree with ducks that if personal finances need to be protected it is wise to do so.

Same here... .plus separate savings and retirement accounts. And we have kept inheritance funds separate. My husband is a financial advisor and pretty much recommends this setup for most couples.

But it is interesting... .when he was married to his ex, the uNPD/BPD when he was in the military, they had a joint account.

FF, here is my suggestion for when you get your next job.

1. Open your own account (if you haven't already)

2. Get your salary deposited into it.

3. Wait for her to start discussions about money and joint accounts.

Then you can negotiate from a decent place. Two possibilities to consider and offer the one that feels safer.

A: Open a joint account for household bills. Set up monthly deposits from your account (or secondary direct deposit; payroll can put a fixed amount into another bank account for you) and have her do the same from her pay. Given income disparity, the amounts will probably be different.

This is good if you don't want to be dealing with all the joint spending yourself, and trust her to stick to guidelines that work for YOU about spending from that account. Perhaps put those guidelines into writing with her ahead.

Note: unauthorized transfers out or inappropriate spending would be a reason to stop depositing money to this account! If you expect this to become a problem, don't even start with it.

B: Divide up the joint expenses. You pay some, she pays some. The accounts stay separate. Again, balance them fairly instead of equally, and make sure that your phone bill and gas for your car is out of your account!

Either way, after she opens the discussion, consider writing a monthly budget with her as a starting point.

When I was married, my ex husband, who had adhd ( and NPD it seems) had the business checkbook. Small business we had. He carried it with him. Hey there are checks, he had money. To the tune of 3500 in bounced check fees a year.

I had my own checking account, and was "given" the leftovers from the business account to pay house payment, utilities, food. Needless to say, I wore rags for years, because the ex took care of his impulses first and I took care of our son's needs, the household... .then me.

It was an ugly divorce and I will always have my own money for the rest of my life because never again will someone else be in enough control of things to run the family into the ground or simply stop short and just run ME into the ground.

Gratuitous post maybe but I totally support Grey Kitty's post on this stuff.