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You remember that idealization phase? When you thought that you were soul mates?

I just bumped on one quote that made me thinking:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”  ―Elizabeth Gilbert

And this could really be true. I really think this represents my understanding of how should I proceed after my relationship with BPD. Maybe she was my soul mate after all... .

I agree. I have never experienced so much pain and heartache. He did make me dig deep inside for things that made me who I am. What I wanted to work on. I am now trying to put myself back together a better me.

I remember thinking he was my soul mate too.  And yes, it was the mirroring.  Waiting years for that positive state to come back and only getting the occasional crumb thrown my way was excruciating.  But I agree that this experience taught me so much about myself and created an environment that I learned who and what I am, found my strength and self esteem and love for myself that I never had.  This allows me to give more to those in my life, especially my kids.  I heard the words all my life that I needed to take care of me before I can take care of others in order to be able to give and it's so true.  I was drowning for so long in other people's (especially my ex) issues and now I get to take care of me.

This is for my partner only. Wound-mate, maybe. Our wounds clicked. My wounds responded to his and perhaps vice versa. There are so many aspects to my soul that he didn't discover at all because he was very busy coping with his wounds and only his wounds with relatively ineffective tools he had. Actually, he wasn't interested in the entirety of my soul at all. His issues prevented him from seeing who I was in so many ways. I don't think he is my soul mate. If he is and I'm somehow missing it, I'll have to refer to a joke my friends and I have. We sometimes say, stop the samsara :)

Yes, yes, yes. This is exactly what my BPDxbf has done for me. It makes sense of why the outcome was so dire when there was so much hope and the promise of so many possibilities.

Lifewriter x

how many soulmate does one BPD person have?

Zeus123, I think the ones Nons discover +10  :)

I think it depends on how you view the original quote that was posted.  I do believe that my pwBPD is my soulmate.  That doesn't mean we're good for each other or that I'm even going to speak to her again.  However, I will be forever thankful to her for making me a stronger person and for helping me take huge steps in my life that I wouldn't have taken had she never entered my life. 

I made the following decisions because of her:

1) I decided to, at the age of 29, finally move out of my parents' house and buy my own house.

2) I finally came out to my mother, after hiding my sexuality from her for over 15 years.

3) I decided to put myself out there and join dating sites.

4) I joined Meet Up groups and went to a few gatherings.

5) I opened myself up to friendships with other people.

6) I opened up to close friends about my depression and social anxiety, something I hid from them for years.

7) I removed myself from a drama triangle at work and didn't allow myself to be part of a co-worker's mind games.

She challenged me in a lot of ways.  I never opened up to anyone.  Once, when she was visiting her parents and I was clearly upset about something and texted her that everyone at work didn't really say anything, she replied, "Would you have even told them that you're upset, if they had asked?  Or would you have just shrugged it off?"  She noticed that about me and called me out on it.  She's incredibly perceptive. 

From what I've seen online, none of her other exes have made such huge changes in their life.  I have accepted my part in our relationship and understand that I am partly to blame for some of the things that happened.  Her most recent ex blames her for everything and refuses to acknowledge his lack of boundaries.  And most of her other exes weren't around long enough (1-2 months, typically) to experience all of her BPD traits, so they probably just view her as being a bit odd and that's it. 

She student taught where I work, and we really only had one long conversation when she was student teaching, but it lasted for 3 hours.  The first time we spoke, we had a conversation that went on for that long.  That should have been the end of it, but as luck would have it, a teacher in my department was going on maternity leave a month after my pwBPD finished student teaching, and my pwBPD got the position.  We became friends as soon as she came back.  That position ended, and that could have been the end of it.  But as luck would have it, another teacher went on maternity leave, and my pwBPD was called in to take over for that teacher.  I have worked at the school for eight years, and that was the only time that someone student taught in the fall and then ended up staying for the entire school year.

Again, none of this means that we are good together, but I definitely have emerged from all of this a stronger person.