BPDFamily.com

So I have no intention of going back to him. Thinking about him from afar, he brought so many things into my life that I dislike. I don't want to be with him. Still, I sometimes find myself craving for him. I'm an addict. I'm an addict who is in later phases of her addiction - my substance of choice doesn't give me the pleasure it did in earlier days, still I'm addicted. Less pleasure doesn't mean less craving. Every addict knows this. If he was a drug, on a good day he would most definitely be speedball, as bright as cocaine and tender as heroin. Speedball is dangerous. You get into a downward spiral fast. There is no moderate use with speedball, not in my pattern - we co-habited. It has to be total abstinence. And I must have a strategy to prevent relapse and deal with cravings. Luckily, my ability to see my actions outside the throes of addiction is intact. I can do this.

Possible bumps:

1. Holidays and anything reminding me of good times may increase craving. That's what it is. I will not act out. Once I call it a craving, I will stop attributing any value (love, missing, sympathy, empathy, understanding, forgiving) to it. It's a craving. During craving, any thought about positive things is a trick of this addiction, it results in doing speedball. I'll stop seeing these thoughts as real thoughts. They are part of my addiction. I can do all those later, when I'm not an addict anymore or when this craving wanes. Only then can they have any real meaning anyway.

2. Post-acute withdrawal symptoms (PAW): Big time addictions have withdrawal symptoms that hit months and months later. Months later, one day, I may feel like I just quit speedball yesterday. I'll recognize this for what it is and relax. It happens to many high-grade drug addicts. I'll pamper myself. Exhaust myself with physical activity. Reach out and ask for help. I'll not act out.

3. Trap of recovery, bargaining: "Oh, I'm better and stronger now. Maybe just one speedball... ." Well, I'm better because I'm not doing speedball. The spiral is there. 

4. I won't imprison myself in a false thought that I cannot accept - because it is false. This thought is "life speedball is bad, life without speedball is good." No, life with speedball has good aspects, but life without speedball is better. When I'm actively using, I lose those things.  I can even forget those things. I may be like a homeless addict who can't imagine anything but living on the street and doing the drug for the time being. Luckily, I have more opportunities. What are those things that I can never have if I'm doing speedball? Emotionally, in terms of lifestyle, physically, materially? I'll make a list of them and they will be my goals. I'll try to achieve them. Of course my present life is not good. What do I expect? It has been ruined by a drug and I now cannot use the drug, either. If I slowly build the better life I imagine, then speedball will be a thing of the past. I'll look ahead. An addiction expert says, that's why windshields of cars are bigger than rear mirrors. So true.

What are your tips for dealing with craving? 

Hi thisworld,

I understand. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to kick the habit with my ex wife too. Detaching felt really rough at the onset but it does get better :)



What I found difficult and it's not necessarily the same experience for you is when I felt cravings to contact my ex, I was thinking about all of the good stuff about her and what I found helped me was recalling all of the bad stuff in the relationship too. I found that was enough to resist the temptation with contacting her. I think that you have the right idea with making a list. I would advise to make a list of the pro's and con's with your ex and if it helps take a look at your list when you feel cravings for your ex? Hang in there.

Yes, Mutt, a pros and cons list. And I'll have everything I can achieve without him (things I was about to lose in my relationship with him) on that list, too. I'm at this strange place. I have no motivation to contact him and I even believe I could - I feel indifferent to him in a very strange way. He writes to me and I read, and I think I can see certain things what I do not like about us- even more clearly. This feels good because I can name those things now, with the help of this site.  But I'm craving for something I cannot name, almost like stuck in craving - communicating with him wouldn't and doesn't satisfy me. I'm an addict without a possible fix:)) Hopefully, I'll go through this and heal. (I had to go NC with my mother for 6 years before, so I believe I can do it with him.) Thanks for the tip  :) 

Thanks for this, thisworld. I'm bookmarking your post. 

That's a great idea. Listing the things that you can achieve without him. Do you feel like the indifferent feelings about him could be because you feel like you have outgrown him and that you have uncertainty with what the next step is? Maybe that's what you can't put your finger on when you call it a craving that you can't name.

I set a boundary in my marriage with my ex wife and I had not set a boundary with her for a few years. It was the first one and now I know that it is easier to set boundaries at the onset of the relationship and not later in the relationship because it's more difficult for both parties.

I set a boundary because I had become intolerant with her behavior and I also felt like we had grown apart and I came the realization that she has changed and doesn't give me the impression that she was going to. I felt like relationships and marriage was about something else and I felt like I had outgrown her and I wanted out.

This is a great post-- I totally relate.

Wow, that bout sums it up.  I thought enough time had passed that I could care without falling.  Nope.  The scream you just heard was me doing a painful spread-eagle pose from the high dive.  Three weeks after I leave he has a liaison with a dude he met thru an ad.  Probably was trolling as he was telling me he wasn't trolling or looking for anything.  There was nothing on his horizon.  You lying SOB.  Well go for it.  Two days ago texting me to say it happened and that it made him think of me and how wonderful I was.  Could we "work it out?"

Hence the screaming splash that I thought could not happen.  No way would I be up on the high dive. Then he pulls away after I ask do you need to be with other women?  No answer to this question.  I am not a guy so I get that need - but why do you need other women? 

I find myself crying for no reason back to square one following the break up.  Blue, frustrated, sad, confused.  I email - what is going on?  He says - he didn't realize I was thinking of making up!  Can I share him with others?  (Guess this means both sexes).  Then we have something to work with. 

Um, this is bullsh*t.  I am an idiot . . . naive . . . I still do not understand that he cannot be trusted with my heart.  He is extreme NPD/BPD - I am not sure what he means when he says he loves me but it is probably not what I mean when I say it.  "Working it out" means me giving in to his impulses and desires.  The definition hasn't changed . . . the drug still has the same painful side effects. 


Need to say "no, I cannot".  Need to let it die.  Need to stay with no contact.  Unless I am enjoying this repetitive walk across the broken glass of recycling.  Accept the loss.  It is the only way out. 

SandWitch,

I would like to share my opinion on his polyamorous offerings because this could be a very hurtful area with narcs and perhaps with BPD. I don't know how you relate to polyamory or your experiences about it, so I do apologize in advance if this happens to sound patronizing. That is not my intention in any possible way. Only, I'm a woman who respects other women, feel my own suffering in my own, gendered way and would like to warn any suffering female friends against certain risks the way I see them. The issue with narcissists and with my BPD with narc traits is seldom the freedom to do whatever they want. They certainly love it, but this doesn't exempt the person who has given them this freedom from their need to control. Give them what they want - share him with other women and even be happy about it- and it will not satisfy them after a while. That control, that you have no problems may start to irritate them after a while simply because you have no problems with it. That gives controllers the message that you are a confident person and they feel the urge to test that limit. They need to bring that confidence down. Start an open relationship and soon you will receive signals about how others are better than you. Say OK to a male partner because you are female, soon you may receive messages about how this male makes your partner happier. It doesn't end. No matter no much you give. Plus, this already seems like an issue between you, so whatever you give may be perceived as one foot in the door. Soon, that may not be enough. This may be devastating, more devastating than you can imagine now. My partner tested me a lot on this.  

I know people who are in on open relationships with all sexes and who can still have strong intimate bonds between them. From what I know from people having these relationships, they are built on a particular kind of trust, some practical negotiations whatnot. I don't think a BPD or NPD would be able to conduct this respectfully or build that trust. I don't think the issue with your partner is his need for sex with another male. If he is in a relationship with someone, whatever his orientation - be it bi- or multi- what he does or does not do is defined by what makes both partners happy. I have bi- friends who are in monogamous relationships and they don't bring up anything like this to their partners because their relationship is based on monogamy whatever the orientations. Orientation is not everything. Feelings are the same for everyone. Would you be comfortable if he emotionally cheated on you with another male? If he lived with you but spent all his time on the internet chatting with this male? If not, please choose whatever style would make you happy no matter what his orientations are.

Hugs

thisworld,

Thank you for the response and you bring up points that are rattling around in my brain.  I am pretty sure he is a sex addict - TMI to say why but lets just say I would bet chocolate on it.  I read on polyamory vs sex addiction in several credible publications before accepting the probability.  Hypocritically it did not seem a concern that we were having a lot of sex - LOL until he had to expand it.  At first it was presented under the guise of him needing to have his "bi-ness" (his term) not be a source of shame.  Super co-dependent to the rescue. 


He actually did have several emotional affairs (possibly more) after he started his new job. To the point of not making plans for my birthday.  I explained away and accepted so much.  But then the gas lighting started - setting me up by saying how this female had done this or that intimate thing.  I'd go silent - he'd lovingly ask what was wrong - I'd voice discomfort with the subject - he would EXPLODE about my jealousy.  Finally, I asked if he needed relations with women as well as men to be happy.  When the answer was "yes" I moved out. 

I guess my addiction has an addiction.  And he knows it is a problem but he just has to be who he is.  The only thing I can do is get my parameters and boundaries with myself set and honor them.  This recent foray into almost recycling cost me emotionally.  At least I did not go back. 

Thanks for starting an honest thread about a difficult topic. 

SW |iiii

You are welcome SW, your comments helped me a lot, too. And yes, I hypocritically enjoyed it, too.  lol Alas, isn't it great that the world is full of hypocrisy and its extended benefits, we don't need these blokes lol (Being able to laugh at my misery with you, even if for a moment, felt so good. There is light at the end of the tunnel, thank you for this:))

Mutt, yes, you are so right. I've outgrown this. Thank you for voicing this for me. I can say it only with some difficulty and embarrassment (hello, FOO:) because it feels so impolite - because he is ill. I know that this is a co-dependent pattern. I started resenting certain things during the relationship and I think leaving was only fair - nobody needs a partner resenting them no matter how difficult they, themselves are. Still, voicing it feels strange. It almost scares me. Hmm, I think I actually stay in a lot of situations out of politeness:)) There is this and also the anxiety of having to tidy up the practical, material, financial mess now. Craving may be a way of hiding from it. I guess I have to start from somewhere. (I've said it now, there is no going back:))     

I completely understand. If I voiced my feelings or thoughts when I grew up I was met with anger or blame. My fathers feelings of guilt or shame where projected my way :) He didn't understand how to cope with his feelings and that's how he dealt with them. We learned a way of survival growing up with our FOO.

I learned that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings and its Ok to share our feelings, thoughts and opinions. I recall I would feel guilty if I shared my thoughts and feelings with my ex wife or family members and friends too. I feel like I discovered who I really am.from a difficult break-up with a partner that displays traits of the borderline personality type. She pointed me in the right direction with self discovery.

"Give them what they want - share him with other women and even be happy about it- and it will not satisfy them after a while. That control, that you have no problems may start to irritate them after a while simply because you have no problems with it. That gives controllers the message that you are a confident person and they feel the urge to test that limit. They need to bring that confidence down. Start an open relationship and soon you will receive signals about how others are better than you. Say OK to a male partner because you are female, soon you may receive messages about how this male makes your partner happier. It doesn't end. No matter no much you give. Plus, this already seems like an issue between you, so whatever you give may be perceived as one foot in the door. Soon, that may not be enough. This may be devastating, more devastating than you can imagine now."

Great insight this world. And SandWitch, I am so sorry about recent events. I hope you get past them, and him.