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Currently NC for 4 months out... .still wake up and fall asleep with her on my mind.

I initiated NC two months ago.  She tried repeatedly to get me to talk to her.  Three weeks ago she stopped.

Who initiated NC?

she was very vague in our last call about our relationship then ran into her two weeks later... .we spoke briefly,

I asked her what were her thoughts about us since I hadn't heard back from her when she said she would call me... .

She said; "we tried," I've heard that expression several times before... .I haven't contacted her since

I am roughly 4 months NC. My friends and I have had various requests from fake Facebook profiles which think was her, but apart from that there has been no contact. I dont expect contact until the replacement relationship finishes or is on the rocks. Just to give you the perspective of somebody who hasn't been contacted yet.

5 months NC, in the past she would always come back after 1-2 months.

I truly think it depends on the relationships. I went through 3 breakup phases. All of them in which I went strict NC. The first time lasted 2 weeks. She broke contact. We got back together. The second time lasted a month. She broke contact. We got back together. The third breakup is ongoing. I cracked and contacted her after two weeks (which was stupid and desperate) and have been strict NC for over 3 months. She broke contact three weeks ago by leaving a voicemail. I still haven't listened to it so have no clue about her intentions. I know I can't keep on going through the emotional turmoil that these relationships entail and yet I don't know if I am strong enough to not try again. I am still torn up by this. But I truly think it depends on the person. Even if your exSO is BPD they still have very unique skills and personalities just as we all do and NC timeframes will vary.

In the aftermath of one of her periods of distancing she said "I am always going to come back to you, because you have been good to me."

Flyfish, mind explaining how those breakups happened? Were any "final words" spoken?

It's pretty normal pal... .here almost 10 months NC, still think about her; anyway, as time goes on, you'll think about her less and less, you'll start to put the focus on yourself and your needs, you'll start to feel happy again and you'll see what happened in the past with greater clarity.

Finally, and probably the most important thing, you'll learn to live with what happened without feeling sad anymore... .indeed, this experience will definitely teach you very valuable lessons that will represent useful tools to handle future relationships.

Hope you're in therapy, because it greatly speeds up the healing process.

All the best  

Five years ago, when we went through a crisis, I almost divorced her.  When she came back, I asked her what would you have done if I had divorced you?  She replied ":)o everything to get you back".  She said it with a lot of confidence and like it wouldn't be a big deal in getting me back. 

Do you want her to contact you?

burritoman,

I think my breakup(s) went similar to many that I have been reading. The first was her taking "time" not necessarily breaking up but when I asked her to clarify she didn't know if she wanted to breakup. I ran into her at the grocery store (complete accident btw... .We live in a small town which kinda sucks in this aspect) and things took off again from there. I will say that things were on edge more after this initial breakup. Something seemed off and I was a lot more hesitant myself. The second breakup came maybe 3 months later. She asked me to her place and told me that she was done. I tried to reach her for clarification but I got nothing. This one hurt. After a month she began contacted me again by adding songs to the Spotify playlists we created together. She called me a few times but I didn't answer I was too hurt. She finally wrote me a letter which seemed heartfelt and sincere although quite contradictory. She said I was not giving her the things she was asking for in the relationship... .Of course what these things were I have no f'ing idea because trust me if there were things that she had asked me to fix or work I would have. I was inmeshed. Didn't know up from down. Didn't know wether to peruse or pull back. It wasn't healthy. She also told me that it would kill her to see me with other girls but that she was going to pursue other relationship herself: Classic BPD. Anyway, I succumbed and sent her a letter I was working on that I never intended to send. Journaling has been part of my healing process. We decided to meet up and hooked up that night after coming to better terms on how to proceed. I felt a bit more confident at this point but in the ensuing couple of months her actions became more distant and disoriented. She coul talk the talk but could not walk the walk. Always look for actions more so than words in a BPD relationship.

The latest, One afternoon she called me and told me it was over between us. We had been intimate that morning. Broke a two year relationship by a phone call. I was so hurt that I didn't know what to do at this point. I honestly argued and pleaded and cried. Not one of my better showings. The girl I loved with all my heart just strode me throughout the gauntlet once again. And for some reason this time seemed more final. It was more of a gut feeling than anything.

I will say this each time we broke up hurt a lot more. I will also say that I had no idea about BPD until a couple months ago. Would knowing her condition have helped me I do not know. I am still proud of the fact they I gave my full love to someone. Someone who took advantage of it and someone who one day will realize what they have given up.

I still grieve my loss everyday but I know that going back now will only open the door to more hurt. This fact still may not stop me though, unfortunately.

Makingmyway wrote

I dont expect contact until the replacement relationship finishes or is on the rocks.

-----Exactly... .but is this Proof that your ex didn't cheat on you when you were with them? If your ex was a cheater, they would be contacting you even before the current relationship ends, is that right?

Both times one year... She broke contact each time and came back.  She can't stand it when I go strict NC.

Unfortunately this is very true :'(

15 months... .but she stalks me electronically and my friends.

Apologies, I'm not sure I fully understand the question. But i am fairly certain my ex did not cheat on me physically. It was very clear to me who she was going to be with after she discarded me. She had told me they were going out for lunch on occasion and how guilty she felt for it, but I said it was fine since it was just lunch with friends or so she told me. I had an immense amount of trust for her.

She was "just friends" with him for a few months, but it was obvious he was in to her, which I think finally gave her an easy way out that was easier for her than dumping me and being alone. He was her support through the breakup.

My BPDex was renting a room in her ex husbands house and she was always adamant that she wouldn't ever cheat with him or anyone else.  I was pretty convinced she did not cheat.  During one of our breakups she was dating another guy however she still saw me secretively and also we had sex once but she told me she broke up with him at that time.  I'm not convinced she was as a week later she was with him again.   

So anyways she was still seeing me as a replacement when she was dating someone else and maybe that day we had sex she dumped him temporarily but isn't that cheating still?  Then when we got back together she still kept him as a friend for a while until he blocked her.  To think she didn't do the same to me with her ex husband or others is maybe naive. 

I was her first  boyfriend so I am glad I don't have to question whether of not she was going back to ex's. I feel that my ex got me with technically not cheating, since she dumped me before sleeping with the replacement, but I feel they were well and truelly emotionally in a relationship.

I feel this was to save face so her facebook friends and family wouldn't think she was a bad person. After I rather publicly accused her of cheating which I deeply regret, she made a post on Facebook saying she didn't cheat but then the next day announced her new relationship which I found very strange.

Anyway a bit off track. Maybe you ex was like mine and didn't feel like a cheater because technically they didn't cheat?

Hey FF,

Mine girl has broken up with me over the phone on several occasions too.

Returning home after sharing a wonderful weekend of intimacy and talks of our futures together, I'd get the call the following morning... .Never had I ever experienced such a callus discard, it was like she was throwing out trash; cleaning out her closet.

The last conversation that I mentioned earlier in this post, occurred on a Sunday evening with her 8S and 13D on her bed. I was drawing caricature pictures of their teachers and we were all belly aching with laughter, it was a moment in time that I'll never forget. It was perfect! I wanted her to be my wife and I had purchased the ring to propose to her over this Holiday season just months before.

Only to get the call on Monday morning asking me, "what are we doing?" The call ends with her telling me she has to think of what her next move is; like I was a pawn on her chess board.

I go NC for two weeks until I run into her at the pool on Labor Day... I walk over to her as she sat by the pool, I knew she's never come to me and ask her; " You said you'd call me after you decided what your next move would be?" Her reply; "We tried, I wish you well."

I haven't reached out since, been NC for 4 months... .

I hope when she opens up the sketch book, I was teaching her son how to draw, and see's the love that was shared that evening along with the drawings that hang in her son's room and has a moment of pause. 

You just described my last 2-3 months with my ex.  I suspect my ex did the exact same thing and the same time frame too roughly, except she didn't make me aware of it.   Thing is, she has a sliding definition of "cheating" ... .and while I don't think she had sex with him (I hope), she at a minimum emotionally cheated and perhaps even some physical as well.   I will never know.

Even though she had betrayed my trust at the beginning of the year, I still trusted her to stay faithful even when things were tough.  In the end it was easier for her to run than it was to accept responsibility for what she had done and fix the damage with me.  I was no longer a positive reflection for her so she latched on to the first guy who provided that for her ... .then I got discarded, presumably once she was reasonably certain he was hooked.  She moved on like I was never a part of her life and we never shared anything together.

This is without question the hardest thing to come to terms with and accept ... .and I am still struggling with this.  Even though I knew in the back of my mind she could possibly do something like this I choose to believe in her and trust her.  Now I am left feeling like a fool.

I think the hardest thing for us to understand and come to terms with is how they can cut us out of their lives so abrupty and feel no pain, no remorse, and act like the relationship where we felt there was such a deep connection and so much shared, yet it meant absolutely nothing to them.  It's completely irrationale and we will never be able to comprehend it or make sense of it. 

Steve I ask myself that everyday. I was nc for two months  but texted after a night of drinking. She responded but was very cold. Told me she didn't even think of us anymore and has shut the door. I couldn't believe it. It hurt very much and new it was a mistake to contact her. That was beginning of October and haven't spoken since. Although the last few days I've found myself missing her. I had a 6 year history with this woman. Broke up my marriage for her . I will never understand.

My ex after she dumped me early Sept never really contacted me again. She called my house with half a ring and hung up. When I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone SHe then texted me an said it was an acident. She broke off with me over an email no less. Didn't even have the decency to call me. I had contacted her a few times to get back before I knew anything about BPD. SHe told me she felt we were not compatible and that I basically ran after her which was an outright lie. She took everything  she did and turned it around on me. My last contact to her was sending her articles about BPD an how I feel she was misdiagnosed as Bipolar at 14. I don't ever really see her contacting me ever again.

At least you got an email.  With me her typical way was via an unexpected text message "I'm done with the relationship, goodbye, thanks".  And the previous contact with her ended with her saying "I love you with all my heart and soul".   Insane or what?

For mine it was usually within a week.

We are now about three weeks NC, which makes it feel like this one is really going to stick. They initiated it, as with every other NC/break-up. I have not tried reaching out, and each time before they would reach out to me.

Hurts. Necessary, though.

They also once told me they thought they would always have a love affair with me... .not sure how I feel about/believe that.

Mine essentially did the same except she called me ugly (harsh, but she never looked at me when we got intimate), told me her plans of moving away and never contacting me again, wanting to see what is out there, how she deserves better (I said she didn't), how we have nothing in common (I told her we both love TV and I loved how we weren't too similar overall)

I recently had a conversation with her and she seemed to enjoy it -- yet blocked me after. It's been almost two months of mostly no contact and she has me blocked on everything.

Are you sure they won't /ever/ return? She hasn't had a relationship that has lasted on-and-off for 6 years with anyone else. Of course I'd love to hear 'no'.

The other day I told her she could always talk to me if she gets in trouble and if she needed anything. She said that she didn't need anything from me, so I would assume she won't contact me unless she gets lonely or her next fling self-destructs... .

The thing is, she went from a FT job with benefits to a temporary call centre position with even higher stress ... .her parents are getting old and therefore cannot keep paying for her... .and her relatives are ancient and don't have jobs as far as I know. It is quite depressing that they push away the things that could make their lives better!

Been broken up for about a year and a half. The longest she has went without contacting me is three months. It doesn't bother me when she contacts me. she is now on her third boyfriend. I have no intentions to ever be with her again. She destroyed our relationship to the point where even as messed up as she is, I don't think she would ever crawl back to me. So without any of that being on the table I don't really mind that she tries to contact me. But everyone is different.

I hear you Steve. It just kills me that they can just walk away like nothing. Mine told me on the phone when I called her after I reiceved her break up email. I said I thought you loved me? Her response Ina very shaky voice No I don't love you romantically. I love you as a friend and don't even know why I sai that to you in the first place. Her voice was so shaky . Then she started to ramble on about her future relationships etc. I just said I'm done and hung up on her. Have not spoken since. Just threw PM or email.

My ex has her own buisness. She is a make up artist who tells her clients they look like  S@!T! I could not belive she treats them the way she does but yup very very sarcastic. We were compatible in every way . She would say it to me all the time. I just can't belive I feel for her nonsense again. I told her this will never ever happen again with us so don't bother ever trying to contact me again in the future. I feel even if I never sai that to her I would not hear from her again anyway.

After her last goodbye text, she contacted me 3 days later.  I was determined to be done though.  We met and talked, she claimed she loves me but was tired of everything, I said thats fine and I understand her to be saying it's over, so I will move on.  Guess my response surprised her as she changed her tone and replied,  'I never said it was over'.  So the talk ended with no resolution which was good for me because I can see things more clearly and have no thoughts or dreams of a future with this woman, those died with the last goodbye text.

We still have alot of contact (2 weeks now) and will continue as long as it's overall a positive experience as we do seem to have fun when she's at her best behavior.  Funny thing is twice during the last two weeks she texted me negative things and said goodbye but both times I completely ignored it.  I called or texted as usual later and she was perfectly normal like she never texted the goodbye and it was never discussed.  Very bizarre behavior, it's like she has split personalities.  So every day that goes by I feel my resolve to never be in a permanent relationship with this woman grow stronger and stronger. 

Steve it's funny you say she seems like she has some "split personality". I felt the same way with my ex. I had always thought I was at times dealing with 2 diffrent people. The woman who loved me and wanted this relationship and then the bad one. I know she would constantly give me mixed singnals . First we were lovers , then we have to see if we are compatible to friends maybe more to I can't do this. Then after she eneded this with me I sent her emails and she was oh we are friends etc and sign xoxo . 

Confused,

I, too, deal with two different personalities with my wife.  I've seen the "nasty" one only a few times.  That's when she is doing what she is not suppose too.  It feels as if the ugly a personality is stuck in time.  Because of what she brings up, it is from when she was 19-21 years of age.  This might sound funny or maybe you can relate.  I'm dealing with this young personality.  My wife is 37. 

Confused too.

Maybe thats it!  They have multiple personalities or voices in their heads.  That would certainly explain the completely irrationale behaviors.  Like how can one day they love you with all their heart and soul and show it in actions, then the next day can say "goodbye" and have no remorse or pain, act so cold and throw out any thoughts of what you thought was a very strong connection and then date another like you had nothing together. 

Also there were many times my BPDex would completely deny she said or did something when confronted about it later and even if I showed evidence she would still deny it or just say she won't discuss it.  Maybe she really did have no memory of it as that was her other personality.  Hmmm. 

A normal person's feelings are much more consistent, love doesn't change overnight with no apparent reason, it may dissipate over time or be replaced with extreme anger upon a tramautic experience like cheating. 

Joe/Steve I had found something and it was listed under BPD. It was under the dissociative behaviors. They spoke about a selective amnesia and sort of a "spilt personality". If I can find the article I will post it here. I feel that with the "split" it's almost a defense mechanism they have. This "spilt" personality comes out when they feel threatened. My ex was a very very normal girl when I meet her at 12 years old. We didn't become involved with eachother until we were 14. We were friends first. When my Mom foun ou she "threatend " my ex. After that she became  this "other person" whom I didn't recognize. After months of trying to get her back and she started push/pull with me. When I had seen her again with some mutual friends of ours she did nothing but stare at me . I asked if we could be friends and she said no . After thi I learned she went into a mental hospital because of "losing me" our mutual friends had said. She at this time was diagnosed Bipolar . This was 1988. Then coming back into my life this June and pulling all this crap on me again. I've though Reserch and the way she acted has come up with she was misdiagnosed Bipolar and really has BPD. It is in a way very sad that these individuals don't see the problem and are throwing away good people who love them with all their heart. Very sad indeed.

Joe my ex would occasionally talk in a baby voice that was utterly annoying. She is now 42 and I guess I could say she acts her age except when she did that talk.

Confused,

I met my wife when we were in high school  (17 years of age).  I did stop talking to her, at one point back then and she went hysterical.  She was in an out of the counselors office because I had stopped being her friend.  Mind you the most we did was kiss and hold hands.  This innocent relationship only lasted for 2 months.  It was what you would consider puppy love.  I did listen to her problems throughout the 2 months.

Her mom neglected her and her sister while growing up.  I can tell you, that when she is under this alternate personality all I get is slammed with horrible and horrible feedback about how horrible person I am to her?  But... .Its all from 1997-2000.  I hardly remember what she brings up.  :)uring this time, she idealizes her mom, which her mom welcomes energetically.  She left, and moved in with her mom this summer.  I've never seen the "little child" which I have read about. But, now her text messages to me are surprisingly 'immature'.  I mean, from the content to the grammar itself.  My kids have seen this "young" child.   They tell me how she behaves.  She instigated a fight with my 16 year old and he was freaked.  He told me, in a freaked out tone, "Mom was acting like a little girl dad".  It's alarming.

i had read about this "baby talk" or acting in child likes ways regarding BPD. Man there is so much info on the internet about it. The more and more I read the more and more I saw my ex. She also told me stories now as adults of how her Mom just threw her there as a teen. She is Indian and she came here to the US at 12 . I had meet her family and nothing at that time seemed ou of place. But now if you ask her about her family it's just a hatred . She claim they tried to "control" her etc. but to be honest some BPDs are very good liars also. And to be honest I don't now belive a word that comes outta her mouth. She is divorced and told me et ex was heavy into porno and cheated on her. Then she told me her ex boyfriend she meet after her ex hubby had raped her after they broke up. But who does she circle around and try to recycle now that I know about BPD ? Her ex Husband an boyfriend. Crazy man! I don't ever see her like I've mentioned before ever try and recycle me. And if she did I now am aware of what she is.

Selective amnesia and sort of split personality fits perfectly. 

My BPDex called me tonight and wants to go out to eat or a drink tomorrow after work.  It was the sweet personality tonight and hopefully tomorrow if we do meet.  Tonight I just listened to her vent about all these evil people she has to work with, she had a big fight with one of them.  Her boss (owner of the company) asked them to hug and make up and she said F You  to the boss.  Fortunately her boss is on her side so far so she didn't get fired but it will eventually come to that.  She's also saying if they fire her she will sue them.  Yes so sad she has to live that way and not be able to have healthy relationships or handle situations.  Thank God she's not my responsibility. 

I'll be watching her tomorrow to see if multiple personalities come out.  I noticed in the past that her whole face changes when she's about to blow up so maybe thats the other personality. 

Oh my Steve... .  I can see a change in my wife's face as well.  Troubling.

Yes ! When my ex would "change" and I could tell the bad version was coming out her voice would be a lot diffrent. See guys here's the thing my ex now lives in Canada and I'm in NY here she used to live. She moved there when she married her ex hubby whom he now says they are back in the process of "getting back together" . I doubt that bc she just divorced him this year . But with her who knows. We all do know whoever they all have replacements after they dump us so anything is possible. Anyway I didn't see my ex bc she was supposed to come and meet me in the fall and then decided out of no where we were not compatible. And all of a sudden the woman who"loved me soo much" didn't overnight. Anyway I noticed on the phone her voice would start to "change" . Then this "other" person would evolve. That "personality" would be the one who would push/pull with me always. Just look up BPD disassocative symptoms. It's crazy! 

I have the feeling my ex is the same.  If she can be honest with herself the shame and guilt for what she did will bring her to her knees.  Coming back would require her to admit fault and this is something I highly doubt will ever happen.

I as well can physically see the changes when they happen. I tried to tell the doctors in the hospital the second time she was in but her father insisted it was just her PTSD... .

Yes there is a definite change.  For years I thought I was just in denial.  But when my oldest son told me "there's something off about mom" and then proceeded to describe the same physical features... .Well I got chills.

Hi All,

I appreciate all of your replies but we seem to have gotten off topic... .as we are now in the holiday season; ex's may have already reached out. Mine hasn't.

How long have you been in NC and they contacted you once again... .?

Not really off topic.  You see, in my experience holidays, our kids bdays, anniversaries, etc mean nothing to my BPDw.  It is more of a phase/cycle/phase for her. I feel thet in my case NC has no significance to her if she is deep into her crisis.  NC has only helped stabilize my emotions.  I feel a lot better.  Yesterday, being in the same room with my BPDw, confirmed to me that she is still deep.  Only because of her behavior towards her kids. 

So, there really is no timeline. I feel there are only patterns.  In my case, NC is only prolonging the process.  I'm not sure if it's because I've been with her 19 years and/or 4 kids but in counseling I was prepped for her return.

2 1/2 weeks, only because I tried to serve him with papers... .otherwise it probably would be going on still. I'm in week 6 now of my no contact policy I implemented the day I decided I was done.

This is absolutely true.  It is a cycle for them.  If they know you are available and they are ending one relationship they WILL return if they believe their needs will be meet (whatever the needs may be: emotional/financial etc it is never about you).

@Burritoman

There are no final words spoken... .there is no resolution... .at least not in my situation. The final words and resolution for me came from me filing for divorce. My stbx did push/pull, ST and then when I said I wanted out would teeter back and fourth between putting me on a pedestal to wanting to make it work to saying he can't give me what I need physically and emotionally, back to ST, then push/pull again for three months.

There is no resolution or final words with this illness. You just have to accept the role you played in the relationship, learn from it, acknowledge what you don't want in the next relationship and be on the look out for the red flags, and realize that its not you its them. They don't process the same way we do. They can't deal with there core issues, but you can and you will be a healthier individual moving forward. That's my opinion for what its worth for anyone struggle to understand why... .there is no answer, you will only drive your self crazy ruminating on the why... .been there done that.