BPDFamily.com

I don't know who took the time to read my first post, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287478.0

I know it was exceptionally long, but I'm new here and I guess I went a little overboard.

Anyways... .

My BPD mom recently started contacting me again (because I unblocked her number). Read prior story if you care to know the innate details about our roller coaster of no contact / contact over the last decade. She called sobbing (for the umpteenth time over the last decade) about wanting to leave her NPD husband and when I didn't oblige to her emotional rhetoric she flipped and had some snide remarks that again, I refused to give into. My exit strategy is to tell her "I'm not going to have this conversation, I'm going to go." Which she always swiftly responds that actually SHE has to go and will try to "win" by hanging up first... .Now that she has (unfortunately) learned to text, she will immediately text me whatever jab she didn't get to finish before the hang up occurred. So she proceeded to text nasty comments in a fashion that can only be described as my friend so eloquently put it, "An elementary school yard bully that pulls your pig tails."

I didn't get them until the next morning because I fell asleep early. I saw the nasty and honestly kind of laughable texts she had sent me and I responded, in short, that I refused to respond to that kind of behavior and if she wants any kind of empathy from me she cannot continue to be purposefully nasty. She didn't respond until the middle of the night last night, "I was just being overly emotional and I got weird, I apologize."

This is honestly the first and only time I have EVER heard my mom apologize for ANYTHING without a backhanded, "well aren't you going to apologize too?" (In which I respond, there is nothing for me to apologize for). My mom is incapable of being apologetic unless someone else was wrong as well, even if they person never did anything they would need to apologize for. (Example: My mom frequently likes to "apologize" "for being a sh*tty parent, but only because you were a sh*tty kid).

So I don't even know how to respond. I've marinated over it all morning and part of me is turning red with anger. I want her to apologize for all the awful things she has done to me over my lifetime that she writes off w/ her skewed perspective that either she was the victim in those instances or it was someone else's fault entirely. But alas, I know this is a really stupid idea and has never worked in the past.

Anyone have any idea how to respond to this? I feel like this is my opportunity to get in and gain her trust and hopefully invoke some change. Or am I still living in lala land? She gets me every... .freaking... .time.

Hi shellbell

We all go a little overboard sometimes! :)

It's hard to tell if that one line text from your mother is a sincere apology or not. Given your past experiences with her, I think you have reason to be suspicious but there's always hope of course, not only in lala land but also in the real world

Whether you respond or not and regardless of how you respond, I think you might benefit from some resources we have here for handling hostile (text/e-mail) communications, false accusations etc.:

Responding to hostile communications: B.I.F.F. (Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)

How to stop circular arguments: Don't J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0)

Are you familiar with these techniques?

Welcome to bpdfamily

I am somewhat familiar with them since I work in mental health. I use the concept frequently. She's very manipulative and before I can usually even attempt to start using a technique on her she will hang up on me. She knows exactly what I'm doing. Thank you though. It's always easier to give others advice then to take your own.

The back-handed apologies certainly seem maddening. I can see how shocking, perhaps, it is to get what sounds like a sincere apology. You could BIFF it curtly, "ok" or "thanks." Or, you could segue from there and throw the ball back into her court, "Ok mom, thanks for explaining that to me." Perhaps followed by a "what's going on that at night you feel more upset?"

I kind of get the feeling that you are resentful on the one hand by being your mother's emotional confidante, and on the other hand being hurt by her abrasiveness and empty apologies. It's hard to let things like that go, and you don't need to let it go, per se (as in just forgetting), but accepting that she is who she is especially when she is dysregulating may help. Radical Acceptance? And keep practicing the boundaries.

Can you clarify BIFF?

I am certainly treading lightly. I did end up responding "thank you, I forgive you." She hasn't said much since. I don't respond with much emotional tone anymore. I try to always only answer her reasonable questions or requests and I do so frankly. It seems to give her a heads up that I will not tolerate any attitude or negative behaviors. It seems to be working.

Hi shellbell- looks like you are already doing it. BIFF is Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0#top)