BPDFamily.com

I think I started here in 2009... .and was here a LOT  :) ... .it has taken years but I have worked through so much of the BPD parent and sibling stuff. In a lot of ways I feel much better and am SO incredibly happy to have the foo out of my life. The one thing that is still SO hard for me is finding healthy friendships. I am beginning to wonder if this is how it is always going to be and to be honest feel like just giving up on it. It has been years since I have had a healthy friendship. Probably close to 20 years.  This past year has been especially hard for me. Our family has been repeatedly hit with lots of trauma and crisis. What has made it even worse are the so called friendships I have had, that have ended because for once I needed them and they were incapable of being there for me. It was like since I NEEDED to deal with what was happening --- my daughter having a miscarriage, husband losing his job, our home going into foreclosure and a few other things ----- these friends got upset with me... .accused me of being selfish, not being there for them, basically let me know what a lousy friend I was to them... .all the while knowing what our family has been dealing with. One started the push pull garbage... .mind games... .and letting me know how "hurt" she was all the time because I wasn't there for her. She never ONCE just asked if we were ok, let me just talk about my issues for a change... .nothing. Zero support. I finally ended it because I got tired of hearing it and knew what she was saying was far from true. Looking back the BPD flags had been there for a long time with her, unfortunately I just chose not to see it. The other was more narc and when our conversations stopped being about her 100% of the time, she started to let me know how HURT she was... .Both of these friends knew what was happening in our family and never just called with a hey what can I do for you... .do YOU need to talk... .nope it was always about them... .and when it couldn't be they both got pretty nasty.

Because of what happened with them and just some weird stuff with other people where I live... .I have been REALLY realizing just how harsh people can be and honestly don't feel strong enough to deal with it anymore. Our family is still going through all of this stuff. Except now our daughter is pregnant again  :) and due in March. And I have finally just closed myself off from people other than talking on facebook a little to a couple people and my family. I am just honestly scared of people now and how I attract the wrong ones... .the BPD's and narc's... .even after my own mom being a BPD/npd and my brother, somehow I am still shocked by the stuff these guys pull. I would love any tips or advice anyone has to turn things around. Right now I am content in my own little world  :) I have a small business that is doing well and I enjoy that and spending time with my family and doing my hobbies. Anyone else afraid of others after being beaten down so many times? I can feel a loss of self confidence too lately and I don't like that.

Tenacity, I am too aware of the same feeling. I have become too tired of being the one that does all the work in a relationship. Having said that, I realize the more I feel like that the more I shut down.  Not easy to let others in when I am shut down so it is kind of self fulfilling prophecy. I think that it will take a leap of faith to allow others in and to believe if it is a disappointing outcome I am strong enough to end it and to move on. Make sense?

Thanks for your reply Eyeamme

That does make perfect sense. I am sorry that you too have had to experience it. I had never thought of it that way and you are right. I think for me, the fear is just so huge right now, just kinda raw honestly since it happened twice and so recently. And these were people I had known for many years. The one thing I keep coming back to tho is that I met them both when I was a lot less healthy as far as codependency, people pleasing etc... .so hopefully all that I have learned will let me HEAR and SEE those red flags next time around and not try to dismiss them or doubt my intuition. I love how you put that about being strong enough to end it and to move on... .sooner rather than later hopefully too.    Thank you.

I understand you so well!  In 2014 I realised I was dealing with a 'friend' that really wasn't one.  So I called off our friendship.  I went to her home and calmly explained that I felt she was being very selfish with certain issues and that I can't be her friend right now.  Well the sh*t storm that followed was incredible.  She managed to split our group up and the stories she put out about me were terrible.  Some were hilarious actually.

Anyway lets just say between her and my Mum's narcissism I became very wary of letting or even wanting anyone in to my life.

But I realised I learnt from this experience.  You see when I first met this 'friend' I felt some uneasiness but it was first child's start at school and I wanted someone to talk too.  I ignored my intuition and I learned a harsh lesson.

Long story short we moved due to Hubby's work and I decided to let any friendships happen organically.  The universe would send the right ones to me.  But one thing I will never do and that is ignore my gut feeling or invite anyone into my life that has more drama than a soap opera.

After 18 months I can say I have found friends and enjoying a social life.

So be wary but mainly really listen to your intuition, I think that is the life lesson being taught to you and I right now :)

happykiwi - thank you. I am so happy for you that you have found some new friends and are enjoying them so much. I think you are so right about that. It is interesting what is happening now. I can meet people and do pick up on the narcissism especially with some of them and just end up nipping it in the bud. In the past I would have felt guilty about that, but not anymore. Baby steps and a tiny bit of progress I guess. Thank you for this encouraging share! It gives me hope  :)