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Does anyone have experience with a BP relating their misconstrued perceptions about you to other people but not directly to you and will rage at other family members about you. 

Yes, I have had my ubpm talk about incorrect perceptions of me to others, but not sure if she has raged about me to others. 

My mom doesn't do this to me, but she is notorious for doing this to my dad. She likes to complain and makes his issues bigger than they are when talking to relatives about him, or to me, which drives me nuts and makes me uncomfortable. But she does not rage, as far as I have witnessed.

Yes, but more like a scared child begging relatives for help against my boundary at the time.

Mine was notorious for doing that. I think it was more about projection though, with him trying to convince others that I was doing what he was actually doing. I have been NC for a few years now, but I hear that he is still doing it.

Borderlines LOVE LOVE LOVE to pretend to be a victim. They lie making others look abusive so they can be the victim.  This brings idiots and enablers rushing to them to comfort them.

They also are chaos manufacturers aka S**T stirrers.  If they aren't creating new chaos to upset everyone, they dig up previously buried issues to rehash.

If you have a known BPD in your family, assign one non-enabler to follow them everywhere to prevent them from starting chaos and spreading lies.  This is the only way to handle BPD at family outings. 

When you learn that the BPD is starting up drama about you, politely confront them and tell them to stop, but be sure you have A WITNESS OR TWO BESIDE YOU.   They will lie and say you attacked them if you don't bring witnesses. 

Of course! My sister loves to talk about how evil and heartless I am to not just her, but everyone in our family. I'm not too worried about it because I know I am doing what's best, and so do our close friends and family, including my parents.

I know that for our mom and dad, I am setting a healthy example to follow. I do also understand that it is not so simple for them. I have ended contact with my sister, and that has been good for me. I realize that she is their child, and even with her BPD behaviours that is not enough to cut off your own daughter! But I have seen with my father especially that my example has inspired him to have better boundaries with her and that helps.

I had an ex-wife who was BPD. Her house was in foreclosure and she was being prosecuted for bad checks when we married. I married her hoping to save her. Instead, she told everyone I was trying to steal her money. Her turning her kids against me hurt the most as I knew she had no limits to her insanity. I was trying to get her older son to study for his SAT's. I would work with him each evening over practice sets. During this rage, she told him he did not have to do it. The funny thing is he worked with me anyway as he knew he needed to study for it. I vividly recall the feeling of sitting at the table working with him being saddened by the fact I was leaving her.

Th smear campaigns work on many people. Some do not believe a word she says. Please remember, anyone who is close to a BPD for an extented period of time is also a bit off. Most sane people immediately cut these type of people off. So the people who believe the smears are often only looking for drama.

I am of the mindset you need to go NC and stay the hell away from these type of people. This is what sane parents would have told us growing up. Unfortunately, most of us had to raise ourselves and this is a case where it's apparent. We do not know how to stay away from certain types of toxic people.

Now I know that others are in the same boat.  My issue is with my DIL.  Out of the blue she just starting in on me about something that is a very old issue.  When I told her that I was not going to engage in the topic and left the room, she starting raging at my son and got very hostile and ugly.  She also tells other people all these things about my husband and I that have no basis but when we have e:mailed her directly to using BIFF she does not respond.

Very hard for my husband and I to cut DIL out of our lives since my son is with her and she has our grandson and is pretty much in control.  If my son goes against her all hell breaks loose.

Fortunately (for me) my mother has alienated just about every family member and the one who she does have contact w/ is very limited. This is the part hermit of my mother's BP, she has stated, "I don't want anything to do with them, they're all out for themselves and they're all drama, I'd rather just stay to myself. They're all a bunch of f*ckn' *ssholes." The one person she has LC w/ is my grandmother who has little to no tolerance for her BS these days.

I know my mother rages, or at least I know she used to, to my step father who happens to be NPD, and it showed. He HATED me growing up and colluded w/ her to the umpteenth degree. I'm unsure if my mom used to rage about me to my bio dad before he passed, I suspect it, but am unable to confirm. I know she told numerous therapists what a terrible child I was and sent me to many of them. If they didn't collude w/ her, she found me a new one. Because of course I was the one w/ the problem.

I have found though that by reacting to the manipulative collusion w/ other family members is that is "proves" that you are what they are claiming. I know for a fact my mother used to rage about me to my grandmother (before she wised up), and my grandmother would call me upset w/ me about behaviors I was clueless about. I would retaliate on my mother or become upset w/ my grandmother about the accusations, further cementing the ridiculous claims my mother would make.

I think for children of BP moms, they can often end up living up to the claims, as was my case. Fortunately for me, by my early 20's I was able to get myself into therapy and see what damage my mother had caused. It took time and a lot of biting my tongue, but now my family see's or "unsees" my mother's illness and takes what she says w/ a grain of salt. My grandmother once regretfully told me, "We should have listened to you."

Oh yes. I think this is a trademark of the BPD personality. Especially if you are generally well-liked and don't have a lot of other issues with people in the family. It is their way of justifying their actions to others so that they can maintain the victim facade. Definitely hard, but I have found the only defense to this behavior is to not even engage in their stories. You won't change their mind and it will only bring you down into their pit.

Hi nicole76

Dealing with a BPD DIL can be quite challenging indeed. How was your relationship with your son before he got involved with your DIL?


What was the old issue your DIL was talking about?

When you don't want to engage, removing yourself from the situation often is a very wise decision |iiii

How does your son respond to her when she rages at him and becomes verbally abusive?


You say your DIL is pretty much in control. Do you feel like your son let's himself be controlled by her and if you do, why do you think that is? Do you perhaps feel your son let's himself be controlled out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?


Take care

Yes, I have experience with this. When I left home and went NC with my uPD mother 9 months ago, I was the "prodigal daughter"--foolishly leaving a "loving" home. I became the "crazy" one, and it was only a matter of time before I come crawling back begging to be taken back in. This is the story that they told many people in their community. Many people have believed this narrative because the abuse at home only appeared behind closed doors. I lost my best friend, church community (when the pastor was approached and told that my childhood was filled with trauma from abuse, he said that this was my perspective and that he is more likely to side with the parents), and many close family friends--not to mention 4 of my 5 siblings. It is one thing to lose friends, it is another to lose family.

I am sorry that you are experiencing this. Growing up with a BPD person in my life has caused me to second guess my sense of reality. I knew the way my mom treated me was horrible, but she kept saying she did it because I deserved it, or because she "loved" me, or it was a "parent's" job to treat a child like that. When she spreads lies about me, it is a struggle to not return to that mindset.

Sometimes, I have to look at the facts to reaffirm myself in the path I have chosen. The truth is, since going NC with my mom, my depression and anxiety have noticeably decreased (many people have noticed a visible difference in my demeanor), I no longer have suicidal thoughts, and I have consistently gone to work for nine months (something that was unthinkable before). These are big changes that I remind myself of. There are also more subtle changes (though no less significant). I feel more loved. I have healthy people in my life who build me up. I enjoy my job. I laugh more. I am starting to believe I can do things that I never thought I could do before (like travel). When I know a particularly hard time is approaching (like the holidays), sometimes I ask a friend or two to write a letter of encouragement to me that reminds me of how strong I am. When I am feeling overwhelmed or begin to doubt myself, I pull it out and read it.

I just want to say, you have survived living with a BPD person in your life, and are making great strides to take care of yourself and reach out--none of which are easy. This takes incredible STRENGTH. I am proud and thankful for you--you are an encouragement.

Many blessings and peace this season!

My thoughts are the same as previous.  This is one of the big trademarks of a BPD. My suggestion --if she brings up an old issue and gets hostile in your face, as calmly as you can just acknowledge what she says.  Repeat back what she's saying.  It might help diffuse her drama.

It's not easy no matter how you try to deal with it. I heard a variation of a phrase "controlling the narrative," and the more I get to know uBPD SIL the more I realize that is what she does ALL the time.  She controls conversations.  She's animated, happy, and makes eye contact when she's doing the talking.  But if I interject, she has trouble making eye contact, becomes distracted, and sometimes even looks outright annoyed.  She's always trying to straighten everyone else out.  But when her hypocrisy and double standards comes back to her, she starts re-inventing history in a way that puts someone else to blame.  I think she's so used to operating like this and is so sick in her ways, that she isn't even aware that her sense of reality is so transparently different from everyone else's.

I'm curious if you and your husband feel like your DIL particularly picks on women in the family in particular?  Would she have gone off on your husband like she did you?  We get that sense from my SIL.  She seems to have more amped up expectations on me, my mom, and my other brother's girlfriend that she doesn't have on other male members of the family.  And when she talks about how awful her own parents are, she seems to focus most of the blame on her mother.  (Her own parents and sister put up with a lot less than the rest of us do.)  Lately I think my SIL has relaxed the expectations she has on me, because we've made it clear that some of the decisions we've made in the past that "disappointed her deeply" were my husband's decisions, not mine.  My mom still gets a lot of crap from her, though.

My other suggestion is that you and your husband rent "Young Adult" or "Welcome to Me" and watch it with a bottle of wine. 

Wow!  This so hits home.  My BPS started a fight the night of my husbands funeral with my other BPS. Were talking full on screaming, pushing where they needed to be constrained by my brother.  My children (11&13 at the time) and I cowered in a corner... hiding and crying.  I believe my BPS did this as she could not stand that she was not the center of attention - She needed to be the victim.  When my brother died... .she went to every person at the funeral and told them what a terrible sister I had been.  (i was still not strong enough to tell her to SHUT up!)  I also did not understand BPD.   She created drama, animosity and anger toward me so she could look like the wonderful person!

Every now and then she will call and try to get me to react (I am now much more educated on BPD).  She tells me to apologize to the entire family now. When I ask, "For what?", she cannot come up with anything.   I am numb with trying to stay strong and NC forever.  I am depressed from the constant barrage of backstabbing rage about me that I cannot defend myself from. I HATE her. 

I am pushing myself to focus on the Holidays... .I decorated for myself, baked cookies for me and others... .but I am left out of any family events.  I am trying really hard to make a new family.  Blessings to all.  Thank you for reading my post.

Nicole76, I am in the same boat as you with my DIL.  She has been making distorted allegations about our family especially me.  I can't begin to tell you all of them.  But I'm sure you walk the same path.  I set boundaries with her which eventually led to More rages.  She said we would never see our grandchildren again and according to her we didn't.  My son would sneak them over a couple times a week without her knowledge.  I felt uncomfortable with this.  Eventually my son became enmeshed with her and I know has the Stockholm syndrome.  I never said any thing unkind about her but I'm sure he felt he had to align himself with her.  Now I've lost him and my three beautiful grandchildren.  So sad. But I can't be held hostage because of the grandkids.  My main boundaries were ... .we all treat everyone with kindness. 

This is what they do.  Projecting their behavior onto us.  My BPD family member does this regarding me and my brother.  I am NC with her and avoid anything I feel she may be involved with.  I am blessed with great kids, many friends and have in the past five years reconnected with many aunts, cousins, etc. which has been amazing!  Be true to yourself!  Ignore... .

Good advice Pina colada!  I try to do the same. I have a wonderful relationship with the one other grandchild I have.  Surround myself with people and family that love me.  I have three other children and will be enjoying them on Christmas Eve at my house along with about 30 other family and friends?  Yes I will miss my son and my three sweet grandchildren, they never can be replaced but at least no drama! 

My mom definitely told awful stories about me to her sister. The result of that is I've pulled back from my aunt. I'm deep into the chapter about the waif in the borderline mother book  as well. I am finding it very enlightening . I'm also certain I got some fleas from my mom as well .

Yes Nicole76. My exdil has spread all sorts of rumours about both me and my son,  including I hit her after she hit my son and her father.  At first I was devastated but after a long time I have decided it is what it is and I cannot change her.  She apparently tells our gd lies about us and thankfully gd has started to try to process what is right and what isn't.  I told her I don't need to know what she says but remember "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" so don't worry about it.

Sometimes I even see humor in it which is a long way from the tears and grief I was experiencing and I think alot healthier for yourself.

Should you call them out on what they have said or just let it go.  The thing about my dil is that she claims to have "issues" with my husband and I which prevent her from coming to visit us.  She told my son and my daughter the issues which are from years ago.  They are the following:  When we had a party to celebrate their marriage at our house we were not welcoming to her family, a guest accidentally mistook her mother for a server. That was 6 years ago.   Also, when they were dating I happened to mention to my son that I ran into his old girlfriend that he had broken up with 4 years prior.  But on the flip side we are welcome to come and visit them anytime. Is this type of contradiction part of BPD?

Interesting thing is that most "confusing" "contradictory messages" tend to make sense to them.  Then, they berate you for not understanding, which only makes you feel ostracized from them even though you are innocent or naive about it all.  Don't try to understand their behavior.  In my opinion, just tell her you understand her frustration (even if you don't share it).  However, if she is willing to forgive, you will, too.  Or just let her simmer on her own time, which might take a while, but she will simmer down.  Then, it would be like it never happened.  Difficult to keep track of, but typical scenario. 

Nicole76, Those "issues" sounds a lot like the sort of gripes my SIL comes up with.  I've heard that people with BPD have black and white thinking, they either idealize or blacken people.  I don't know who my SIL idealizes.  But in my experience within the family she is always interpreting the worst in everyone's motives.  She can treat the best intentioned person like the worst criminal.  Like with my mom --When my mom calls her up, she treats her like she's rudely intruding on her busy life. Then my SIL turns around and accuses my mom of treating me and my kids preferentially.  As if there is no connection between the way she treats my mom and my mom avoiding her. 

I don't know any straight answer to whether to call her on it or leave it be.  On one hand, if you confront or take issue with a BPD, they start making things up.  i guess because they don't like their reality challenged or to be proven to be the one at fault.  Their reality is already so tangled, and when you attempt to straighten it out, they make more crap up to justify why your the one at fault.  But if you let her get away with it, it doesn't do much good either.  SIL and I have a mutual friend that she respects, and this mutual friend has really strong boundaries with her and is very quick to say when she's not going to tolerate being accused or treated like a servant.  And that works for her.  I see that my SIL respects her in a way she doesn't respect other people.  And it probably helps that my SIL needs her around. 

If you confront her, you have to be careful how you do it.  No JADEing.  (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  A few years ago, I had a convoluted email exchange with her about some old gripes she had.  My instinct was to JADE, and her response just got more ridiculous and convoluted.  At the end, I had to really examine all the ways she was manipulating in her email.  I'm not that smart, and it was really difficult for me to pick apart and explain in what ways she was out of line.  Like she was trying to tell me what my motives where or tell me the content of private conversations I had with other people.  Uhh, yeah, I have a right not to be a part of any conversation with her where she's going to do something like that.  At at the end, the final statement I could make was that if she was going to keep interpreting the worst motives in me, then we didn't have a relationship.  That should make sense to anyone, right?  You'd think it would. 

Anyhow, I wish you the best in dealing with your son and DIL.  Our family has been through a lot dealing with a BPD inlaw.  But in a lot of ways it's been a growing experience.  My family is the easy going "turn the other cheek" and "never take more than you give" kind of people.  We don't like conflict.  But it's really forced me to define my boundaries in a way that I never had to before. 

This reminded me of an ex-friend who is probably NPD/BPD. She told me, just before I went NC, that she had been smearing me because she assumed I was doing that to her! I would never have done that and still wouldn't smear her. She smears herself by her bad behavior. One of my friends, who is a close relative of hers, told me that the whole family knows she's mentally ill.

Deb, That's interesting that she told you that.  My SIL is hyper sensitive to people talking about her and saying bad things about her behind her back.  I do talk about her behind her back.  But I don't consider it gossip like she thinks it is.  Initially I found it so confusing interacting with her because she would accuse me of having bad motives that I didn't have.  I was always coming up short in meeting her expectations.  I was always offending her, even when I was bending over backwards to be nice to her.  It's not something I had ever deal with before.  I had a tendency to easily doubt my perceptions to begin with.  I knew what she was accusing me of wasn't right.  But I needed to talk to other people to verify that my reality was true.  Now after so many years, I've seen other people go through the same confusion and inner conflict after interacting with her, and I've been in the position of validating their reality. 

SIL does talk about other people behind their back.  But she sees herself as justified.  I don't take any story she tells at face value.  Even if she tells me a story about how she got her hair cut, and she smiles as she tells me she didn't like the cut, my assumption is that she's leaving out the part about how she went into a rage over it. 

My BPD brother has a distorted image of me and is a master of rewriting history - in a way that makes him the hero. My favourite was when he started telling friends and relatives (he had never brought it up with me) that I owed him $15000 (when in fact he owed me several thousand after years of unemployment). It turns out he was referring to something nice he had done for me 14 years earlier; he was a landscape gardener and he had offered to makeover my  tiny 9 foot by 9 foot courtyard. He did our mum's backyard as well. It took three days and I paid for materials; he never asked for any payment. I sold the apartment a few years later. 14 years after that he is saying I owe him 15000 because I made a profit on selling the unit and part of that was because the courtyard had been improved so he deserved some of the profit.  By his logic every tradie or handyman who had worked on my place should have also received a cut. You can't win against such 'logic'. Even though the friends and family he told didn't challenge him directly on what he said (for fear his anger would turn to them), they did dismiss it as part of his ongoing rage against me.  The sad thing is he took what had been a positive memory of him and turned into a negative one.

Nicole76 it is our instinct to call them out with their lies and distortions, I have done this.  What I learned is because I am not dealing with a rational person, but someone whom is mentally ill, NO GOOD WILL COME FROM THIS!  Sometimes we have to learn for ourselves, but no matter what we say, bringing in others to back us up, proof, etc. they will never agree they made something up, lied, etc.  I am not good with confrontation and back off before really defending myself and she is so good with words... .I can never win.  My advice is try if you must but understand, no good can come from calling them on the carpets.

MUCH love to you, Deb13. Good plan for the holidays, and the rest of your life, really! 

One thing I've noticed is that while pwBPD can be incredibly insincere (split, turn on a dime, rewrite history, make you question your sanity and reality), they can sniff out a lie or insincerity in a heartbeat in someone else and make heads roll. So gifted that way

But I have another idea for you. "Calling out" a pwBPD never works, at least IMO. Whatever issue there is will never be her fault, she will never claim any responsibility for her part, can never see that she is perpetuating drama by bringing up the (trivial) past over and over and over again. And really, she actually feels incredibly hurt by something minor that happened years ago. At least that's the nice way to see it. She's an empty pit who feels abandoned all the time if she has BPD. That sucks. I would not want to feel that way constantly. Plus, it's leverage over you. May explain why you are always welcome at their home--she's in control there or feels more comfortable on home turf, she gets to be the more "welcoming person." It doesn't have to make sense, really though!

Similarly, my uBPD mother operates from chaos because that's how she grew up and chaos=love. If we're peaceful and calm, something must be wrong, so she creates drama to feel SOMETHING. While it seems crazy to you and me, pwBPD are emotionally about 2 years old. Grudges and tantrums are very real to her. BUT, they crave attention and sympathy. They love playing the victim. If you really want to bury the hatchet with DIL and help her move on, perhaps acknowledging how incredibly hurt she feels is a step. Pull her aside, tell her how much you care about her and want her/her family to feel a part of your family. You've heard what she's said about that party and her family and after some thinking about it, you now get how hurtful that was. Apologize *sincerely* for any part you or your family may have played in making her family feel less than welcome and for the ditzy relative who mistook her mother for a server. Even if it was totally all her perception and not based in any reality. Ask if there's anything else she is upset about, and really listen. Acknowledge it (even if you don't agree with it! Acknowledge her hurt). "I can imagine how much that must have hurt. I didn't know you felt that way. You were really sad. I get that now." Whatever. Then find common ground if you can. Use SET.  It sounds like you would like to have a better relationship with her because she is a part of your family and you respect that she is married to your son. You had a party to celebrate their marriage, for goodness sake!

So my uBPDm does this ALL THE TIME. She tells people crazy, untrue things about me. often people who do not matter (like store clerks) so I can hear. Rather than telling me, "I wish you would visit more often, I miss you," she'll tell a clerk "My daughter never visits." And guess what, I'm visiting RIGHT NOW. I'm right here with you and you are making this time together miserable. Plus, I visit ALL THE TIME. Now I feel like visiting less. It's BPD self fulfilling prophecy!

Or, I meet her friends/acquaintances, or receive a business referral from someone she knows and I get the side eye for awhile until this person realizes I am NOT what she described, which I can generally gather is not a nice person. It was really hurtful at first, but now I realize that once people get to know me (if they matter), that their impression of me changes and improves... .and they don't believe her version anymore. And sadly, that has backfired on my mom a few times. The schadenfreude feels temporarily good (ha! they see you as not a nice person for saying mean/untrue things about your daughter), but then it's just sad. She feels like she is competing with me on some level and is jealous of my success/lifestyle. Now that I'm older and my life is less a reflection of her (like my grades and good manners were when I was a kid), she can't stand it.