BPDFamily.com

happy holidays everyone!

so i've been NC with stepmom who has BPD (she's my only parental figure) for... .3ish years now. I just had my first child over the summer and everyone in my small family that i DO have contact with has respected my wish to keep this private from my step mom... .or to not volunteer the info i should say.

i'm beginning to feel torn on remaining NC. I don't wish to reopen the door to unnecessary drama (sp? sorry)... .or the unwanted constant concern -- i just don't feel SAFE when in contact. then there's my concern if someone slips and says something to her about the baby, what if it sets her off to do something which would put my baby (or me or hubby) in danger?

fears aside, how can i weigh this decision? and if that's the route i go, how do i navigate that? has anyone been there done that?

and then there's the revived contact with my younger brother (her son) an his new family. this nc with him has been happenstance - he's always been in charge of who he talks to and when so he has not been in touch. his wife and i have begun contact via social media and she has invited me to my niece's bday party. in asking if stepmom will be there the reply was "i hope not, i did not invite her but she has been known to just show up. she did this today." for one, this sounds like what i've experienced personally. and two, i suppose it's okay to relay to them what my boundaries are as far as my step mom's concerened in hopes that they then will not volunteer info. and if she should show up... .i guess i use what i've learned to navigate the situation that arises and leave. i suppose i just mention this portion for support/thoughts.

thank you - alsways grateful for a place to turn to where people know the feeling and can share their experience. nice to feel/be supported**hugs

Please read some of my more recent posts. We are in same situation. I am realizing that although our pain from BPD people will always be there, we have to focus on our children. Any sane person keeps even slightly toxic people away from their children. Go back to NC with your stepmom and anyone else that can slightly compromise your own mental health. You have a responsibility to stay healthy financially, physical, spiritually and emotionally stable for your child. Trying to bond with sick relatives over a newborn is tempting but not realistic.

Congrats on your newborn. It's a beautiful process watching a child come into the world. My bio mom and I lost contact (I am being polite) when I was a young teen. Her & I crossed paths in a restaurant years later. We talked for maybe 5 minutes. She went home and started calling people saying I was using drugs. One can only imagine the accusations she would make up about me and my baby. She told the world I was a major drug dealer and she had to cut me off for "tough love" purposes. I do not need someone like that in my life.

Please deeply contemplate what I am saying. I have the battle scars to back up my words.

Stay well.

I just saw a post this week that pretty much said a lot to me about this.  I am NC with both parents and all associated family, as they are toxic or support toxic behavior and cannot understand what I experienced growing up isolated as an only child in a house, alone, no family or friends present, with two people with manic-depression/bi-polar disorder (diagnosed, both of them), with PD behaviors. 

Overall, with neither of them in my life I feel safer and saner.  I also tend to feel guilty, and wish I could share life events with them, especially my mom, as I was parentified into being HER caretaker, and so the relationship was weird, but it's what I had.

After almost 2 decades together, since age 19, FI and I are finally getting married this coming spring.  I wanted so badly to be able to share at least photos of my dress, the rings we just picked out, the veil I plan to try to make, and other things with mom.  And she recently found me on facebook.  And the panic I felt at that showed me that I am NC for a reason.  She steals my identity, sues my name and phone number on hot checks, credit accounts, etc.  And then denies it and only stops if we are NC.  I am not sure why, but keeping in touch is giving her permission to treat me as an extension of herself.  Being NC stops it. 

Another person had a post of being NC for 20 years, and it pretty much stated that if you had to go NC, it was for a reason.  If changes have not been made, NC should stay in effect.

thank you for the feedback/support :)

met sister in law (and niece) for first time this weekend, which went fantastically! she respects my boundaries and will do so when visiting with my step mom. apparently she is the ONLY one in contact with step mom at this time (out of myself, my brothers, or my uncle) and it sounds like that contact won't be for very long as it seems that step mom has gotten worse.

i will NOT be breaking NC with step mom as it sounds like there has been zero positive change or desire to take responsibility for her actions. i don't care so much for the past (in regards to her taking responsibility), just sounds like she's up to her old ways and then some. unfortunately, it's just not worth the drama, lack of safety, etc. any hesitations i was having before have all been laid to rest.