BPDFamily.com

As I begin what has started out as a chaotic journey of divorcing my unBPDh, I've been reflecting back on the roller coaster ride of my marriage.  Every holiday, birthday, trip with and with out the kids and I can almost pinpoint when his behavior changed, when he realized he could take off the mask with me. The flowers for birthdays, wedding anniversaries and even Christmas gifts stopped. It was like he didn't have to try anymore but I was still required to make him feel loved, cared for and special. To drop everything when he needed something done for him or needed me near him.

I also realize that as the behavior became worse, the time between rages became unpredictable (At one point I could almost predict where he was in a cycle) and I slipped into a haze. I look back on family trips and even trips as a couple over the last 2 years and realize I was a zombie caught in a haze just going through the motions. He would rage and then demand an apology or just act like nothing happened and want to move on with the day and I'd slip deeper into that haze. Thinking what just happened? And how can he be over it, I'm not... .Even what should be simple conversations between a couple, you know the ones that you talk about things that interest both of you and have a dialog around them became monopolized by conversations about him only and his job for sometimes hours. I remember listening and actively participating for the first hour and then my mind would begin to wander thinking about things I needed to do around the house, with the kids or ideas for my hobby, all while nodding and some how staying engaged... .why?

Its amazing how once you wake up and step out of the situation that you can then look back and see how quietly unhappy you had become, but you too had put on a mask to deal with your next interaction with your spouse. Will he be happy, sad, mad, charming, angry, playful? Will it be my fault or the person on the road, in the airport, at work, or behind the cash register?  How often do we look for signs in their demeanor, facial expressions, tone of voice, stance and even the intensity behind their eyes, in an effort to figure out what todays mood holds?

I'm in week 4 of strict no contact. Week 6 of no verbal contact. I've successively resisted the urge to pick up the phone when he called and didn't respond to his text messages. Which was hard as I've always been there when he's expected me to be.

After a circus act by him when trying to get him served (evaded for a week and had people covering for him at work and where he's living saying he didn't work there anymore and moved) he finally hired a lawyer and our court date has been moved out at his lawyers request for a continuance. My lawyer wants me at the court date... .any advice? I hope he doesn't come, I don't want to see him. I think its because I don't want to see the hate in his eyes I know is there now. Last time we spoke he asked me to promise him I wouldn't hate him and I said I couldn't promise that. The truth is I don't hate it, I'm angry with him and disappointed in his recent behavior. It didn't have to be this way.

Anyone else successfully maintained NO CONTACT during a high conflict divorce? Any other chaos to expect?

I'm also wondering if he will stay away from us during the holidays. I know he had a ticket to come home. And as that date approaches I'm trying to fight the anxiety I feel creeping in.