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This is what is most weighing on me at this point.

I was happy with who I was and what I had before I started being with her.

Now I find that my life is surprisingly 'safe' and empty.

I think that fact is what pushed me into enmeshing so deeply.

I want to get healthy, and have a life I'm happy with that I could actually share with someone.

But I feel like I'm starting from zero. So many ways to go.

I'm just curious if anyone went through this feeling and if they have any thoughts in hindsight on what worked for them or didn't.

I'm working on what I can, but it would be encouraging to hear any sort of success stories from people who were where I am now.

Thanks!

This time I had a brief relationship and it's easier. After my first separation from a difficult husband after 5 years of marriage - who wasn't even Cluster B- and an immediate brief relationship with a cerebral narc (big mistake when I was most vulnerable), I was an emotional wreck who had screwed up her career and was down with OCD and PTSD. I also had very bad hair :) I had some 12-step ANON (for families) experience and some therapy experience. I felt I was still at a point where I could sort this out without medication but I was not resistant to that either. I went back to CBT workbooks for anxiety, read a lot and lot and lot about emotional abuse and got validation for for my experience. I joined some live support groups. Only after that validation and fully understanding what I went through in terms of emotional abuse did I start thinking about my FOO issues. I had an understanding of them partially due to some prior therapy. For a while, I was unable to work. I first put my sleep cycle in order and started to live with a program. Strict, hourly program for all my day that consisted a variety of things. I forced myself to do those things despite zero motivation. Normally, we tend to want motivation first and act after this. In recovery, if I waited for motivation to come, I would probably have to wait for a decade. I just started doing things on my program without depending on motivation (This is an Al-anon method, too).  I would cry while doing certain things because I didn't want to do them. I experienced intense frustration. I had this Anon motto: " I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime." It's from that Just for Today poem by that Kenneth Holmes guy. I started with 15 minutes instead of 12 hours, I then moved up to 2 hours. At first, I couldn't find anything to put on my program. So, I just used that poem as my program. I also had to remind myself to exercise because when I'm sad, I turn inward and stop bodily effort but actually it's very good. I started getting more in touch with old friends but didn't force myself to have fun. I just went to things and didn't judge how I felt. I accepted that I would feel shyt for a while regardless of the activity. I still went. Being looked after by friends helped. Tomato soup, chicken soup:)) Then the sun started shining slowly. I cried when I first laughed. 

   

I think I"ve accepted that whatever I do, it will take time to achieve healing and true bettering of myself and my life. I think I have mentally blocked out the next 6 months where I can't expect to be cured of this, but I have that time to keep moving forward, to keep heading in a direction I want to be in.

Hopefully by the end of that I will have made real progress. I look back now on what I've managed to do in just a month, and I think I'm a little amazed.

It feels like I've moved up through so many layers of darkness already. I know there are more, probably much much larger layers to work up through, but I need to keep moving, even if it's slow. Even if I fall back a bit at times. It is truly exhausting and overwhelming at times to always have this weight on me that I'm carrying, but sometimes it is much lighter than it was. I need to just keep trying things. Some will work, some won't, but I won't know until I take the steps to try them on.

I find myself wishing I was a lot of other people, living a seemingly normal, less pain-filled life. I look at them and wonder what it's like to wake up every morning without this burden, without even knowing what it is like.

I don't know what I'm saying, really. Life has become this rollercoaster where I'm excited one minute, and claustrophobic and lonely the next. I keep looking for hope by checking old posts on this board and then seeing what the people who made them are saying now, after a lot of time has passed.

Hope is such a valuable thing for me right now. I keep moving forward because I have hope that there is something better to move forward to. Sometimes it feels like blind faith. Like I really don't have any other option but to take the steps forward, even though it looks as dark in front of me as it does behind.

I'm just so tired of this, and I have so much further to go. I keep hoping that something I do will make a huge difference for me, but I know that's unrealistic.

"Those who are happy now: How did you rebuild your life?"

Brief background:

A four year marriage with many moments of horror and violence. In the end discarded as garbage. The last months I was referred by her only by the name "Fukkr".

I used the abuse memories to serve as a wall to never allow or make contact with her again.

I relaxed and grieved about a month.

Tired of storms... .and wanted to see a rainbow even if I had to walk thousands of miles to get where it is at over years if need be.

I vented on this site some probably stupid sounding stuff to members here a long the way. LOL

I decided I am going to have one thing now in which to pour all my energy into that will be fun in the process. Guitar. I already played guitar but I spent a ton of time learning new songs and advancing my skills. For a positive and or new brain refresh I changed musical tastes from  typically darker type of stuff to more hybrid sounding music and stuff that oozed of positivity and meaning with bands such as the Avett Brothers.

After many months I began to casually playback the relationship film from day one to the end in slow motion and learned a lot in the process about her, me, people, life, God etc... .etc... .etc... .

The entire time since the breakup pursued my dream job with a never quit intensity by contacting employers over and over again telling them of my interest in a specific position. After working a job that I didn't like just to survive and pay bills, after a year of that things changed and I landed the dream job. My own wife had mocked this dream and never believed at all. I didn't seek it now to prove her wrong. I just had more of an attitude that I can accomplish whatever I want to and her opinion of me or anything is not an a absolute truth and means nothing anymore regardless.

Thank you, Awakened One. That is fantastic.

I also started taking guitar lessons. I had always meant to, but never committed. It was an easy step to take to building me life into something I actually want.

It was the low hanging fruit for me. The other stuff is going to be harder to figure out, I think.

Good for you and know that these days learning guitar is a lot easier to do and fun. There are tons­ of video tutorials and free guitar tabs on the net.

Yeah, healing doesn't come fast or easy most of the time. Depends I guess on what exactly needs healed or rebuilt right? After reading some of your other posts I would say that you seem to be vary aware, intelligent and motivated and your only one month out.

I have to admit I am a bit suprised by the lack of responses to this thread. As I mentioned in another thread I haven't read much here of members looking at any positive aspects of themselves so I guess it makes sense then that they aren't happy. Still would of estimated more than two members believe to be happy or rebuilt anything. Even the senior members apparently are miserable.

Hi all,

I think there are a lot of members who move forward, rebuild their lives and find happiness - they are probably not posting here much any longer and some have left.

This is a great place to launch your healing, but for some there's a time when they want to put a full stop on their experience and immerse themselves in a new future. You can hardly blame them... .

I think the healing process is different for each one of us.

It takes more work to piece your life together after a 25 year marriage than a comparatively short term relationship.

I'm not suggesting the harm and trauma is always in proportion to the time you spent in the relationship, but rebooting your life when your older presents a different range of challenges and the collateral damage can be harder to repair.

Willingness to do the work and face up to yourself is a big, big factor in healing.  But even that isn't a magic wand.

Some of us were healthier than others and their recovery is comparatively fast. If you have deeper rooted issues it takes more time and effort to get healthy.

It's over three years since my relationship ended. At times moving forward has felt like a relentless slog through a dark tunnel, but things have got brighter and I think I'm much healthier than I was at the end of my relationship (and during large parts of it).

There are no quick fixes and you still have to deal with all the other stuff that life throws at you.

The important thing is to do your best to keep moving forward without punishing yourself for not healing as quickly as you might like (or at the pace that others expect).

When I look around me now I see a lot of unhealthy relationships and people struggling with their own issues who could live much happier lives if they put the work into themselves

Reforming

I am still very hurt over my relationship, but I know one thing: I'm much better than I was when I was still trapped in it. At first, just discovering the extent of my pain and how severely the relationship had affected me was horrifying - I had to face up to the fact that I was dealing with the emotional equivalent of third-degree burns, not a few cuts and scrapes. Then I had to accept that healing these will take time. At first I kept trying to force myself to feel better - I tried new hobbies, I phoned up friends, I threw myself into my work, and every evening I collapsed into bed and cried and wondered why it wasn't working and I still felt bad. There are no quick fixes and you have to learn to be patient with yourself. I think that's the first step to feeling happy again.

Further on, I often respond to upsetting painful memories by thinking about what kind of person I would like to be and what practical things I can do to grow into such a person. I can't control other people's actions and thoughts. I can't make them love me or want me around. But I can choose to be a loving person myself. I can't force others to respect me. But I can respect myself. I want to be kind, I want to be assertive, i want to be trusting, I want to be gracious - all of these are qualities that are in my reach. Often I want to let my ex know how much he hurt me, and sometimes I want to say hurtful things to him too. Then I remind myself that this doesn't fit with the kind of person I want to be, and I choose not to do it. Every little choice like that helps me to become happier.

One thing that has really upset me is that I used to be such a trusting person and right now I feel as though I will never trust someone enough to be in a romantic relationship. I'm too scared of a repeat of what happened. A good friend said to me, "You will learn how to trust people again, but you will never be naive like you were." Hearing that helped me too, because I realised that a lot of my past trustfulness really was just naivete. My future relationships will be more valuable because they will be grounded in real trust, even though it has cost me something to develop it. Now I don't see myself as having lost something, I see myself as learning something.

The final thing that has helped me get back on track is reminding myself that even though my pain felt isolating and uniquely excruciating, it's not uncommon. Maybe most people feel like this at least once in their lives. Would I tell another person who was feeling it that they're broken and doomed to be unhappy forever? Would I believe that about them? No, of course not. So why would I believe it about me?

  Hello all... .I'm right there with Reforming... .slowly creeping up to 3 years out free and clear :D

My story ended up being about 4 years and ended with a twist and a bang.  I'd had opportunities to learn about BPD and the cycles before the end so the only surprising thing was that I continued the dance even after knowing what I knew.

The year after was not brilliant, though maybe some reckless "fun" in my biography.  I was learning how to be normal again. I did take steps with therapy and not getting into new relationships until I'd... .well... detoxed.

Thisworld is spot on, forcing yourself to do things even when your spirit is fighting tooth and nail against it is a boost towards recovery.  Allow some time yes, but after a while and you know when, forge forward even if you are faking it til you make it.

As for me, I've moved well beyond my ex, I can now see that as a necessary experience rather than a lost love.  I learned a lot about myself.  I'm happier and healthier than I've ever been physically and emotionally... at 43.  I'm in a great relationship now that would not have been possible if I had stayed. I've traveled the world, a dream of mine since before the Ex and may never have happened.  

Do I still think of him, of course.  But as one member who has probably moved on said, it's like the radio station that fades to nothing as you are driving out of town.  I can tell you what seems a catch-a-phrase here is when you take what you can learn from the experience then walk away from it, as difficult as that may be at the time... .the rewards of a happy life are yours to be had.

When you are free from the FOG you really get an appreciation for what life can be like when you aren't in it (the FOG), and it's truly beautiful!  We miss out on so much when we get mired in these complicated relationships... .sometimes years of our very precious lives are swallowed up focused on the struggle.  That's no Bueno!

PS. Keep visiting this site once in a while... .it's a good reminder of how far you've come and a reminder to disallow future disruptions to your peace.  Happy holidays my friends! Cheers to an incredible 2016!  

Like many that have posted, I forced myself to fake it till I made it. I forced myself to try new things, go out, meet friends, and smile when all I wanted to do was cry. I exercised and spent time in therapy learning about myself and finding myself again. I also surrounded myself with people who love me. I am lucky I have friends that would sit and listen to me vent over and over and not say a word. They just let me get it out of my system. I can never repay them for that. I learned about the disorder and that helped tremendously.

It's been about a year and a half for me since I left that six hear toxic relationship. I look at myself now and can't believe the things I have accomplished in that year and a half. If you told me on that first day I would be where I am now i would have never believed you. My life continues  move forward and I continue to push myself in directions I never would have thought possible. Do I miss my exBPD?  Yes.  I miss the person I thought she was. But I also know I would never be who I am now if I was still with her. She would never have allowed it. And for me that is sad and a good reminder. The person you are with you enhance your life and make you a better person not try to silence you.

Happy Holidays. You will do great. Just stay the course and stay strong. You got this.

I did consider that fact that I think most who have managed to move on (escape) and find happiness would have no real reason to revisit this board except for occasional updates should the thought occur to them. Or to help others, which is awesome.

I even sometimes wonder, when I feel pretty good, if I should continue visiting as often for fear that it will focus my mind too much on the events I'm trying to move beyond.

Your responses have been very encouraging to me, and I thank you for that.

I guess eventually it will be like everything else you miss in your life. Like missing old friends or having amazing times in college. I think of them, miss them, maybe enjoy the thought as well, but then I get on with my day and don't think about it again for possibly a long time. I don't sit around crying, wishing I was back there and not here. It's just another part of my life that I lived and had value to me.

I will miss the way I feel, but possibly not the person I was with, because once I get distance and perspective, I will see that person and that relationship differently, and even if I could get back with her, we could never relive the past because we are different people then we were. And once you see things clearly, it's hard or impossible to lie to yourself about it.

Time will tell.

When I decided that the joke of a marriage was over, I was devastated. I didn't think I would be ok again. Contacts from him gave me stomach aches, I  would start crying and shaking. I had a few really bad months. But I made myself put one foot in front of the other. I also educated myself on recovery from the after effects and surrounded myself with loyal true friends. I realized that I had nothing in common with him and our definition of love was completely different.  I changed my thinking into a very positive direction and worked on starting and ending each day in gratitude.  I've grown into a better person by being kind to myself and loving myself for surviving this trauma.  My friends have been amazing and supportive, but I applied the tools myself. Most importantly I forgave him, not for him, but for me. I chose not to carry the resentment and poison in my body. Yes, there are days when I remember and hurt, but I replace it with good thoughts and the knowledge that I'm free and have survived.  Hope this helps a little.  :-)

Hey there,

I am having a difficult time focusing at the moment in order to express what is happening as I am in the process of rebuilding my life.  It is a work in progress moving in a very positive direction.

However, I did want to express my gratitude for this thread and reading the stories of others.

Thank you so much for this thread!

4.5 years ago I broke up from a 9 year relationship with an histrionic.

What "saved" me was that I was traveling at that time, a few weeks in Thailand. I work online so I decided to extend my trip as breaking up meant I had nothing to go back for.

The few weeks turned to a year. The year to 4.5 years.

Two days ago I moved into my first long term accommodation in all these years. I've been traveling all this time.

The traveling gave me interest, it was the biggest adventure I could have imagined. As I was 32 when we broke up and after being with 1 girl for 9 years, I felt very much like a virgin. So girls became a big part of my adventure, I learned pick up and became very good with the ladies. Had more than 120 girls in this time, from one night stands to longer long distance open relationships.

Then 3 months ago I was discarded by my exBPD and was so exhausted from the breakup that I couldn't continue to travel any more. So here I am.

One bad relationship set me on this journey, another bad relationship ended it.

I love my life... .It's been a huge adventure. I'm signed up to study film from January , it's a two years program and I'll take it semester by semester and see how it feels. Still hard for me to imagine that my trip is really over.

Oh, that's good.

You can drive slowly, stop to pee or look at the landscape, even stop for a coffee, look in the rear-view mirror, but just so long as you keep driving, even if it's only in first gear. 

And to continue the metaphor; eventually, you tune in to a new station and listen to that one for a while before discovering you can switch stations to suit your taste at the moment.  :)

I rebuilt my life by realizing I can only control myself. I had to decide what were deal breakers for me in all relationships in my life and what were negotiable items. Next came sticking to those promises I made to myself. Life is exponentially better for me.  |iiii

So true balletomane. I find forcing myself is counterproductive. I socialise and have a good time. Ex is still a semi-permanent distant drumbeat in my brain. I live alongside that, accepting it. At the beginning it was permanent and deafening, drowning out everything else. But although I socialise, I still need days to do nothing. And I don't criticise myself for that, although I wish it were not so - but l'm recovering from emotional third degree burns ... .and it takes time. I congratulate myself when I am energetic and finish undone jobs.

I'm going back to drawing and rediscovering my creativity in the new year. Couldn't pick up a pencil at the mo, but then all of my energy is being expended in getting through the "festive season"  

Apols for my reply being incorporated in the above post; I haven't worked out how the quote thing works yet... .

This is very powerful to me (day 19 NC). I have a high expectation from myself to be happy because I am a nurse. I see things that are enraging and horrific. I mean, ever heard the screams of an amputee? I should reserve my tears for that sort of loss, no? The notion that I let myself feel sad over such a stupid thing (a breakup) makes me feel ungrateful.

Reading that I am allowed to feel like doo doo for a while (even if I am at an event that is supposed to be fun-filled) makes it all better. Like the pressure is off. Like, I am allowed to let Eeyore voice-over my life for a while. I was always compared to Tiger... .I wanna be Tiger so bad again. I read things like, "the control over your happiness is in you," and its like... .where's the button to turn the hurt off? No. It doesn't work that way. I will make myself do what I must and forgive myself for not responding the way I always expect to. Maybe without noticing I may even have a good time some day again. Meantime, I am planning a tour and writing new songs for an album. I highly encourage playing instruments. I once thought I'd only ever play other's music, now I make my own and play around town.

One day at a time.

I am 4 1/2 years out of a 5 year relationship.  The breakup shocked me and I spent a lot of time crying.  I also spent a lot of time exercising, getting therapy, reading, walking, and meeting new people.  Getting massage and acupuncture.  It hasn't been easy or linear.  Just this last week I was soo sad that here I am, still alone and not dating.  I haven't met anyone that I think I would like to trust with my heart again, although I am open to the possibility.  I have taken the time to really look at all of my relationships.  I have had to back out of a few enmeshed situations with people that I really love, but who treat me poorly (while telling me how much they love me!).  Glad to know I finally see that kind of behavior as not belonging in my life.

I am really very happy with my life, and thank goodness I no longer am intimately involved with someone who has a mental illness and personality disorder- np matter how great most of the moments seemed to be I do know that I never ever ever want to experience that level of emotional betrayal and pain again.  I've been able to save up some money and increase my baseline health, so I'm feeling accomplished with that.

I look forward to the future!

Hey HF-


I did empty for a while, more relaxed but empty, stalled.  Then I started to realize that you ever notice we value something more when we lose it and get it back?  Everything became brighter and I started to enjoy, and be grateful for, the little things: a warm spring day, a nice hike, a mellow round of golf, and pleasant bike ride, all the things that were my life that I had taken for granted became golden.  It was also practice at the new-found skill of living in the moment, being grateful for the moment.


Which is the good news really, endless possibilities as you create the life of your dreams.  And someone once said if you ain't got nuthin' you got nuthin' to lose, and someone else said if you've hit rock bottom the only way you can go is up.  So what does up look like for you HF?  A compelling future starts with a strong, clear vision, followed by just one step in that direction, and another... .

I think that this is a good topic because it might offer some folks a bit of perspective on the grieving process for relationships.

Maybe this is useful, or maybe it isn't, but I never looked at it as a rebuilding process, or even much of a process at all. I think that when I focus too much on the process I begin to lose my sense of self and my freedom to make choices as needed. A process implies some kind of goal. I think it's good to have goals, but unless we're enjoy our everyday lives it is very difficult to think of the bigger picture. For me, that 'bigger picture' started to come much later, after I had really began to embrace who I was.

Again, this wasn't an unnatural process. I try to push myself out of my comfort zones if it makes sense for me at the time, but sometimes it can be counterproductive and cause more anxiety than it does good. This is, as I see it, how we come to know ourselves. It is in the knowing that 'just right' mode of life. Not too hot nor cold. We can accept change and test our limits, these are positive things. But remember that it can be an important practice to find activities that help us decompress and think about how we are!

Hey homefree, I agree with what many have posted above and will add my two cents: I was once in your shoes.  I lost myself in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD and nearly destroyed myself in the process.  Now I make my life a journey towards authenticity -- a continual pursuit of my personal truth.  It's easy: just pay attention to the little things that engage you and then follow these "golden threads" to see where they lead.  In Greek mythology, Theseus slays the Minotaur and emerges from the Labyrinth by following the thread that he unspooled on his way in.  In similar fashion, I think it's crucial to pick up the thread of your life in order to emerge from the BPD Cave.  You can do it, my friend.

LuckyJim

Hi homefree,

That fact that you are thinking about the steps you are taking and where you want to head shows that you are on your way.  |iiii  Keep taking one step at a time. It's been almost 4 years since the end of my relationship with someone with BPD and so much has changed. I feel well and happy. Along with therapy, NC, and self-care, I have learned that I wanted to be saved as much as I thought he needed saving. I learned that no one was going to do that for me. And I learned that I didn't need "saving," but rather, I needed to understand my needs and take care of them directly, instead of indirectly, by trying to rescue others (like pwBPD).

It hasn't been easy, but with time and patience things really do get better. Sometimes we've got to crack a little to see where the armor was holding us back. 

There is hope, homefree. Even more than hope—there's joy and abundance and love to be shared. Stay the course and  treat yourself like the most beloved friend you can imagine. The energy it takes to quash our potential could be better used to spread some good cheer around, yes?

heartandwhole 

I was in a co-dependent marriage to an alcoholic for 20 years (I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw). I was the person to leave the marriage, it was my choice.  My marriage had truly died years before.  I have never regretted the choice to leave.  *We (my ex, my son and I) all benefited from that choice.

When I finally left I had a lot of social anxiety because I had been focused on my life at home and hiding that life from others.  So what helped me was reaching out to others and stretching in terms of my relationships with people... .being honest about my life and feelings, going out with friends, meeting new people, going to new places and doing new things.  It was scary but I pushed through the fear and with every new person and experience my confidence and self esteem grew.

I eventually (a year post divorce) decided to check out what on-line dating was about.  There I met the man I am with now 5 1/2 years later.  He's terrific and we are very happy together.

Leaving a relationship is always painful but isn't always a bad thing.  Taking that step to break dysfunctional patterns for me turned into something positive.

* I got out of an unhappy marriage and created a new fulfilling life for myself.

   My ex lost his wife, his son, had his 3rd DUI, lost his license, his job, and his retirement to pay for the lawyers.  He hit rock   

   bottom and has now been sober for more than 3 years. He has a new girlfriend, new job, and sees his son... .Life is looking up.

   My son has happy healthy parents that have demonstrated that people can change for the better.

Panda39

Just a question for you all... .

If you had the power to take the experience of your last relationship away, would you?

The reason I ask is because many people post break up see it as a blessing in disguise. A kind of awakening.

This was definitely the case for me. If I had not aligned with a disordered female(s) it would never have forced the introspection I went through. It forced me down a path of self-discovery and like most here highlighted how much our childhood can affect our adult life and interpersonal relationships.

It wasn’t a nice experience but its when we suffer adversity that we truly grow. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I know my situation was a little bit different (not in a relationship with a pwBPd) but I would not have changed anything.  I might not have had my son (who I love dearly) but also because the end of my marriage was a period of enormous emotional growth.  I have come to appreciate who I am, I have learned that doing things for myself is not selfish, I have learned to ask for the things I need, I have learned to not listen to that inner critic, I have learned how to push through fear and I have learned what type of partner I deserve... .I have learned to love me 

Panda39

Like what you're sayin', Panda39.  It's a journey towards authenticity, in my view.  Got away from that in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Now I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

Yes a big one for me too LuckyJim

Are you reading any books on this subject?. Living a life of authenticity?

I would be interested in hearing any recommendations.

I am happy today. Or much happier, at least.

It's been one 20 months since we broke up. For the first year I focused very little on my past relationship. I had as little contact with my ex partner as possible and focused on doing things for myself; long walks, listening to music, eating good food, hanging out with my daughter, ruminating over the last 20-years (sometimes writing in this forum). My ex partner wanted to have much more contact with me, but I declined. I let myself be bitter, but I won't engage because it is over and I really wanted it to be. I felt my stress level going down tremendously since we broke up and that felt very, very good.

When we had to deal with things that had to do with my ex (house, kids) I was distanced and very crass. She cried, I didn't. I started to feel like she was a stranger to me.

I started to date a girl during the first year. Nothing came out of it but we became good friends. She moved in with me as "housemate" and it's been an interesting process to get to know another person in depth. I have come to realize that we're both odd people, and I have started to think that it probably wasn't easy for my ex wife to have BPD *and* live with an odd and sensitive person like me.

In September/October I met another girl which quickly became my girlfriend. We are very much in love with each other and I now have the love life I always sought. Since then it has become difficult for me be as distanced as I would like to be towards my ex-wife. I feel good about myself which means I become nice to people, including my ex wife. And I don't think she deserves me being nice to her, so it feels kind of strange. I find it difficult to deal with her "let's make up and be friends"-stuff. I truly despise her. The scars I have are for life and f*ck her for backstabbing me. God knows how I will feel about it in the future, but this is where I am right now. And feeling good about it.

For me, my emotion have rebound from hitting rock bottom to being hopeful in a few months. I am kind of an optimist I guess.

In reality we are still in the process of filing divorce paper and to sort out some children issues. I have been introspective about what happened in these few months. I find these are the main things.

1. Accepting and letting go. My initial plan to lead a separate live as a dad and my two dear kids has fallen apart in the most horrible way. My older son has alienated from me and he treat me as the enemy. That's when I sank to the rock bottom. Since that I have accepted it. I have done everything earnestly. Nevertheless it has gone horribly off track. I have accepted it and it is hurting me less.

2. I have enrolled in a writing class. This has worked magic. It give me opportunity the explore my emotional side. Everything I finished something, usually just some simple short prose, it gives me a lot of satisfaction. And for some silliness I have been moved to tears by my own writing.

3. I decided I want to date another person. This is very premature as I am still working on the divorce. I have meet 0 person so far and 0 in the last 15 years. But by flipping the mental switch on, I have opened the door for myself. I want to bond with some person. I never have a chance to do that all these years. Unlike when I was young, I am clear and unambiguous about my intention. That make whole lot of difference.

I hope I will be writing some really positive in the future.

 Thank you everyone for taking the time to share how you rebuilt your life, it really helps, please continue to share - it really helps just to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel! 

Hey anon72, I suspect that many of us take on a false self, or persona, in order to survive the stress and turmoil of a BPD r/s.  Under pressure from my BPDxW, I allowed myself to lose touch with friends, family members and activities that are meaningful to me.  I lost myself for a while and became a stranger to myself, which was not fun, believe me.  Returning to my authentic self has been integral to rebuilding my life.  No more faking it.  I listen to my gut feelings and try to act in ways that reflect my core.

LuckyJim

This was my experience too. I found myself pretending to like things I dislike, dislike things I like, and agree when I didn't agree just to keep the peace (and it wasn't peace, it was a toxic inertia). I lost touch with family members and friends partly because I felt anxious when I wasn't with him, as though things would start to go wrong if we spent time apart; and partly because I couldn't tell any of them the truth about what was happening. I suspected (rightly) that they would be angry and alarmed if they knew how I was being treated, because unlike me, they "wouldn't understand him." When he dropped me like a broken toy, I felt like a broken toy. I'm still learning how to be myself again.


In a nutshell, yes. I'm not at the point where I can be grateful for the experience of abuse. No matter what it taught me, if I could take that experience away I would.

Hey balletomane, You nailed it!  That was my experience exactly.  It's weird when you find yourself pretending to agree when actually you disagree, in order to avoid a firestorm.  Toxic inertia, indeed.  Right, you remain silent because you know others would be horrified to hear what is really happening.  Not fun and terrible for one's soul.

Understand that you're in a lot of pain but, from my perspective, it will lead to more happiness and I'm glad you're out of the r/s.  It's hard to make the break, for a lot of reasons including "toxic inertia," but you did it so now it's a journey towards authenticity.

LuckyJim

Never ever will I be grateful for being savaged and belittled and humiliated and turned inside out, brought to my knees with grief and hurt and misery such as I didn't know existed. After all this time I still fear for my life not at his hands but at mine.I haven't found strength, I despise my weakness. It is good that there are those for whom it was a voyage of discovery, that they have landed safely with new strengths and perceptions but I am not one of them. I have lost my belief in love and humanity and dare not hold out my hand to anyone for fear it is taken hold of. This is not something to be grateful for.

Hi Sadly,

Painful experiences can be the catalyst for personal transformation, but I don't think anyone is ever really "grateful" for the experience of abuse itself.  I think a person can be grateful for the opportunity to heal old wounds, break old limiting behaviour and emotional patterns (or is it more accurate to say, get to a place where you have more options, more tools in your toolbox) and move towards wholeness. 

You sound like you are suffering.  What sources of emotional support do you have in your life right now?  I get the sense that it can be difficult for you to even ask, as you say, "dare not hold out my hand to anyone for fear it is taken hold of". 

This online book was written for survivors of sexual abuse and rape (which may apply to you as well, I don't know), but you might find it helpful either way because it includes the theme of learning to trust.  www.ninaburrowes.com/books/the-courage-to-be-me/preface/

eeks

Sorry, I think I misread the title "those who are happy now"am in the wrong place, in more ways than one. Thanks for your reply though. Yes, I was abused as a child by my grandfather. Have been on and off here for over a year now. Moved over 250 miles away from my exWBPD,  got a new job, turned my life upside down and then let him back in. Now destroyed all over again. Week, pathetic. Sorry to those who' s hearts lifted at the sight of happy in the title and then got me.

Thanks Lucky Jim for sharing, makes complete sense :)  That is exactly what I am working on doing.

Sadly, I am still a newbie, but just wanted to say:

1.   

2.   You have done the hard work before, so you are far from weak and pathetic, but very strong to done what you have done!  Am sure you can rebuild it more quickly this time :)  I can't possibly imagine the pain that you are going through, but the fact that you are on here means that you are looking at moving forward from this pain - which is a huge positive :)

Take care,

Anon72

  thank you. All the luck in the world x

Slowly. One lurching step at a time. Lots of stumbling. Lots of falling. Lots of collapsing in tears. Lots of throwing myself to the ground, kicking and screaming because I didn't want to do it/feel the way I did anymore. Lots of picking myself up again to go to work, take care of my kids, pay bills, buy groceries, cook dinner, clean the house, take a shower, wash my hair. Lots of hands yanking me up and dragging me along for all the same reasons. Either way, lots of days spent staggering through my life like a zombie - actively shoving all the things I was thinking/feeling out of my way just so I could make it through whatever I had to do next.

Slowly. Finding a good therapist. Being directed to this board. Realizing I wasn't crazy. Learning about the disorder and how it works. Understanding the role I played in this dance. Having a whole community of people who'd been through the same thing, felt the same way, were struggling with the same issues/problems/questions/concerns. Feeling, for a very long time, that this was the only place I could be myself, and find the understanding/acceptance/help I need in order to really live/be anywhere else again.

Slowly. Letting that happen. Making the move I'd been longing to make to the desert. Looking for work in a field I found fascinating, and being hired to do a job I really love. Meeting, talking to, and connecting with other people in person over something other than what I'd been through with my xpwBPD. Finding a vintage trailer to live in, work on, and make into the home for myself I've never really had. Allowing myself to care. Allowing myself to be interested in, and moved by something other than my own pain/grief.

Slowly.

Six years slow come July. Faster with each year that's gone by. Easier. Less traumatic. Less resisted. Less painful. Change becoming more of a habit, and less of a wish/hope/surprise when you realize it's happened. That you're different. That you're better. That you're moving on, and healing. That - while you were busy just stumbling, staggering, dragging yourself through every day like a zombie - you somehow managed to start living again.

Slowly.

I'm not completely happy right now, and I'm still feeling like I'm rebuilding my life. But I sure have made some progress! Here's my synopsis:

Got married in our 20s; her FOO was kinda messed up, and she had learned better ways to be an adult by then. It was her third relationship and my first. She would get depressed upon occasion, and did become emotionally abusive, but it was rare. A decade and a half went by, and it was good. We retired early, with dreams and plans about building or buying a boat and traveling. Living together 24/7 without outside jobs and friends there, and most of personal support networks left behind (moved across the country from friends and family), things started to go downhill. She got more abusive, I got more codependent/needy. The depression that brought this became more common.

Six years ago, (Fall 2009) I realized I had to do something, I had to break free of abuse/control, although I wasn't using those words at the time. I started working on it. I didn't have all the tools I needed, but I was doing the best I could. Another three years later, I stumbled onto BPD and found my way here. I grabbed the last tools I needed and ran with it. My marriage improved, the abuse stopped. 2012 and 2013 were much better. (We were still working on boating projects and a boating lifestyle together) I felt like I was building a happy life for myself at that time.

Late 2013, she was brought low by the death of somebody close to her. I supported her, but it was a very hard year. Late 2014, she had to blow up our marriage to get herself free, and she did blow it up, and did end our marriage. Early 2015, we split; I got the boat, she moved her stuff off. I was pretty lost and grieving for a while there, but was finding things to enjoy by summer 2015.

And from there on, I've been rebuilding my life still. My plans were to live on my boat as 1/2 of a couple, and I had to re-define that as a way I could live solo on my boat.

I'd never trade the lessons I learned over the last ~seven years for anything. I am enjoying my life some of the time. Other times I feel depressed and lonely. I am seeing glimpses of a future I'm really excited about. Some times I'm excited about things I'm accomplishing. Other times I feel like I'm making no progress, procrastinating, and beat myself up over it. I'm pretty sure I'm on the cusp of something amazing.