BPDFamily.com

Over this past week I felt like I was getting much stronger, clearer. Gaining a new perspective, clarity. Basically kind of rising above everything. Today I slipped a bit.

I saw a therapist for the first time this week, which I was very excited to do. Because it was the first session, I didn't get a ton of time to explain my story, but I hit all the key points/behaviors of our relationship. She isn't diagnosed, but the therapist confirmed with me that this is textbook BPD behavior. Sometimes he would even chuckle and shake his head implying that he's heard it all before, sometimes saying it's just classic BPD. It felt very good to hear this stuff from him.

I also brought up the notion that she left a very wide open door for HERSELF to try and walk back through, to which he confirmed. Her massive leave-behind of her things, her actions on Facebook, leaving up our relationship photos, etc., it all points to her not being fully done with me. Sometimes I forget this and think of it as a normal healthy breakup and the problem is ME. It's easy to fall off that wagon.

Since I've been gaining clarity and realizing this behavior, I've told myself that this is then MY opportunity to shut the door for good, or let her back in (with boundaries - THERAPY). A part of me is scared though. #1, I'm scared that she's already moved on completely, and me worrying about these things is a waste of time. Then I remember that these people DON'T move on, and I remember the connection she has kept open to me. #2 I'm scared about her possible return. As much as I'd love to hear from her, I also don't. I don't want to reach out to her about gathering her things because I'm exhausted. She gave me anxiety when she'd call, now I have anxiety wondering if if/when she DOES call, she's either going to tell me she's coming to get her things or she's going to try a recycle.

I have been working on myself, recognizing and addressing some issues, basically rising above it. When it doesn't get resolved, though, it's hard to fully put aside these thoughts. I feel like I'm taking care of ME, but I'm also preparing to deal with her when the day comes. These people provide no closure, but I could bring myself more closure if I knew that she is or isn't going to try again.

6 weeks of NC can give you a lot of perspective, and it has, but we all still have to go through the motions.