BPDFamily.com

For those that have read in other threads about the upcoming work charity event I had with my ex, I wanted to start my own topic.

For those that haven't heard the story heres a quick run down: my ex pushed me away for about 3 months (Oct-Dec) and left me in limbo about our r/s status.  She would push/pull.  I also found out the other day that she had been on a date with another guy (R), even though she doesn't count it as a date.  We had an upcoming charity event through our work and she begged me to be her partner for the event.  At first, I didn't agree or disagree because I wanted to be and didn't want to be her partner.  I ended up saying I would be and she gave me ST almost immediately for 2 days.  After the 2 days, she called me to her desk to ask me about a co-worker's ex wife name.  When I asked her why she had asked, she said it was because her stbexh (M) had been on a date with this co-worker's ex.  I told her that I didn't appreciate that and that she was slowing my healing process with the push/pull and I thought it would be best for us to not be partners for the event.  She begged me again and said she had planned to talk to me (emotionally) that day and thats why it was such a big deal to her.  During this, I had found out she went on a date with R and she wanted to talk to me about that, as well.  Out of morbid curiosity I wanted to see what she had to say, so I agreed to be her partner so we could talk.  Now, on to the story.

On the day of the event, we were together 1-1 quite a bit.  We talked very candidly about the past year of our r/s.  She admitted to me that she had went back to M early on in our r/s but didn't tell me about it.  She said she while she was doing this she had felt that she wanted to be with me the entire time, so she left 'for good' shortly after to focus on me (revelation #1, as I had no idea she had ever gone back to M though I had had my suspicions).

She also told me that she had lost faith in me because my marriage wasn't ending fast enough for her.  She felt like she would be waiting forever for me to finish mine.  I pointed out to her that she had been wishy washy the whole year over her and M's divorce (she had told me the entire time she was doing it and it would be final "any day now," even though it wasn't... .she had been lying).  I told her that I had always kept her up to date on what was going on and it was obvious now she hadn't done the same.

We talked (briefly) about what had happened in July and how I had lost trust in her.  She also admitted that she didn't have trust with me (the reasons weren't valid, she admitted, but she couldn't help it) for almost the whole year.  I pointed out all the things we said and did and she said she meant them but she felt I didn't mean them back.  That's BPD for you.  I moved on into what has happened since Oct.  I purposely asked about why she had left our r/s vague but went on a date with a new guy (R).  By the way, I know R (she said I didn't know the guy, but I did).  She told me how she commented on his instagram page and he replied to her and within a few exchanges they agreed to go to dinner "as friends".  She was adamant that they both had agreed to it being just a friend dinner.  However, I dug into conversation and she pointed out that he kept telling her how hot she was and this or that.  I calmly simply said "so, it was a date."  She said "no," which I replied with "yes.  Friends don't hit on people on a non-date.  He's obviously working on getting romantic with you."  She seemed appalled by this tactic (his, not what I was saying).  She also told me the entire time she was with him all she could do was think of me.  I told her that I appreciated her thinking of me, but bluntly told her that at some point during this date process, if she had really meant to be with me, than she should've put a stop to it and she didn't.  But, like everything else with her, I feel there is more to it.  She doesn't realize she actually told me they had been out twice, not once like she claimed.  At first she had told me she met him for dinner after work one day.  Then, later in the day, she told me that she had dinner with him on Sunday.

She told me that she loved me and she had a seriously fu**ed up way of showing it.  She said she knew she was a time bomb and would blow up on me.  She said that she loved me enough to let me go on with my life, without her if I chose to, but wanted me to know that I would always have someone who loved me.  It was a sweet thing to say and in that moment, I know she meant it.

She did ask to see me today, but I told her no.  I was going out with some friends and then I was going to get my child and (frankly) she doesn't fit into my plans anymore.  I'm trying to figure out how to let her go gently, but I have a feeling that won't happen easily.