BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I don't know where to start, and sorry for the long text. I don't know even if I'm in the right place, but when I wrote on PTSD forum, the members advised me to come here... .I've searched around BPD, and my girlfriend seems to has it (she was diagnosed with BPD, however, she refuses she has it, and she tells that her therapists told her she doesn't have BPD), she also diagnosed with PTSD and Bi-Polar, as I read they are very common to be together with BPD. Anyway, I'm not a specialist, and not a doctor, so I will just write my story.

I've met her about 1 3/4 years ago, she is the most beautiful and wonderful girl I've even seen in my life. She has a very complicated childhood and life, we are both 27. All was amazing. She had a lot of admires, but she always told me that I'm the only one who can understand her, and I saved her from her self. After sometime, she started to have 'flashbacks' and nightmares due to her PTSD, she became angry and depressed. She told me not to come, and after 10mins she called me and asked to come. After that, she just told me not to come, and if I didn't come - she told me I had to be with her and I left her. We went across good times and very-very bad times. When she was depressed, she always told me that I don't really love her, that I'm cheating on her, she told me I cannot hang out with friend together because I'm leaving her and she afraid to be alone. She wanted me to be 100% of my time together with her, and if not - that means I leave her, and don't carry her because she has flashbacks. She cut herself. She told me to go away from her, and when I did, she called me and ask to come back after 10min. Once she told me it is over, and when I was on my way driving, she called and told me she will met another guys, after 5 mins she called again and told me that I left her alone... .And I always came back to her, because i LOVE her and I want to help her to be there for her, because she also loves me. about 8 month ago, she started to be suicidal (she had several attempts earlier in her life), I always stopped her. She wanted to take pills, jump from hight building, and I always came 1 min before. I took her to therapy, she is visiting doctors and taking pills - but it doesn't help.

When our relationship was a total nightmare "bye bye, come back" I finally realised that I don't want to leave like that all my life, maybe I'm an egoist, but I just cannot handle it anymore. I took y things, and told her that it is over - she told me OK, just hope you will remember me. When I was on my way, she called me, and asked to come back, her voice was very strange, I came back - she took many pills, I took her to the hospital. After some time we separated again. I tried to go no contact, but I was worried about her, and we just talked via phone. And the interesting point is, she totally changed, she became again the happy person I've met, she told me she don't have flashbacks anymore, she feel much better, she started a new job, and everything is amazing now... .I'm not an 'idiot' and I knew it is just an illusion, but I believed in it, and we started again, a new white list. All was good for about a month or so, all was just AMAZING, just so NORMAL... .BUT, she started told me that I left her, that I will leave her someday etc... .After that, the flashbacks come, and now, we are back in the dark. About 3 weeks ago, she told me that she doesn't feel good in our relationship, and she want us to go on... .I took my things, and went away, after some hours she called me and told that I left her again, and she is about to kill herself, she will do it soon she told. I came her immediately. 1 week ago, she was in her bad mood, she blamed me, сursed me, I just told her enough, I cannot be like that anymore, I want respect! Took my things, and left the home, she called me 30 times, and I didn't answer, she sent me dozens of sms, and she run after me, she caught me and told now I will just kill my self in front of you, so you will see what you are doing, you are driving me crazy, and she started to run to the highway in order to just under a car... .I was shocked, I took her, and bring her home, she tried to close the door and run away from home and close me there... .I was SHOCKED! It has never happened before... .NEVER EVER. After sometime she became normal, she told me she is not good for me, that I should find a good woman instead of her, that I just need to be happy no matter what, but I could not leave her. Now she is back to normal, she is OK, in her good mood. And I cannot forget the day she tried to kill herself in front of my eyes.

I don't know what to do... .I just don't know what to ask. I just know that to leave a life like this, will be total unhealthy decision, it is not possible. But the problem is, I got used to her, I love her, and I don't want to find myself leaving with her suicide if I leave her... .Moreover, I even cannot imagine my life without her... .I'm totally stuck here... .I love her, love her very much, I want to help her... .But I'm blaming myself for the day, I came back into this relationship... .

Thanks for reading.

Matt.

Hi Matt,

How long has it been since the suicide attempt and the reconciling again?  That would be so traumatic to experience.  It is hard because the love we have for the person with BPD is real, even if the desire to end the rollercoaster is real too.

Have you ever had a counselor or therapist for yourself?  I think it is necessary to ground yourself and pay attention to your emotions, thinking, and needs apart from the influence of your partner.

I think that this is a good site for you because it offers tools and safe place to sort out all the emotions coming at you from your partner. The framework that I have found her is helpful but can be overwhelming at first. Breathe. Is the urgency to make the decision coming from your frustration and emotions?  From the vision of the suicide attempt?  From feeling isolated and alone?  You can deal with this and you will be ok.

Hopefully this site will can start to reassure you that you are not alone.

Thanks for your message. Indeed this website is very helpful! I found a lot of information here, however, all of the guides and articles are very general, maybe I'm wrong... .

Do you think out of my story that it is really BPD or it is just my imagination? My GF doesn't have all of BPD symptoms, she for example doesn't have drug abuse, or she do care (for a very short period) if she see that I'm in trouble, she do telling support sentences.

However, all the past actions were to much... .And I don't know what will come next, if she try to commit suicide in front of my eyes, just because she was angry, what she will do next time when she will be angry... .?

Welcome to the board. Living with someone with BPD is very confusing and difficult. I would suggest starting with the lessons on the right side of the page ------------------------------------------------------------------->. These lessons will give you lots of insight into BPD behaivor. There is no quick fix for this and there may never be a fix. This board will help you determine how to keep your own sanity in the midst of the chaos. We all contribute to the dysfunction in our relationships in some way. Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse.

Hi Matt,

Welcome.   I am glad you found us.   Please keep reading and posting.  We are here to support each other.

I would suggest you don't worry about the diagnosis right now, concentrate on the symptoms, the behaviors and not the labels.

I like what Foolishwizdom said, Do you have people in your life that can help support you?   Friends, family?   a therapist of your own?   You are going through a very difficult time.   There is a lot to sort out.   It is going to take a little while to work through this.   We can help.

How are you doing today?

'ducks

I try to be OK. I don't have any shrink or so... .I do have friends, career, and other stuff, however, I don't like to speak about personal life.

I understand that I need to be strong, but - the question that is killing me - 'Why'? The only 2 answers that came into my mind - I love her and got used to her she i a part of me, and the 2nd I don't want to leave hole my life with gilt that I left her and she died because I know that if I leave her she will not find a meaning to life and try to kill herself (she told it to me) or just I left her and lost my chance.

One more thing, we are about to marry next year, and now, I am not sure what I want, and tell it to her - you know, it is impossible, she will tell that I don't keep my word, want to leave her, don't love her etc... .

On the other hand, marry her seems like a very irrational thing to do, I understand that if after 2 years things didn't change just became worst, what will be next... .? If I thought in the past, that I will engage to her or marry her, she will be sure I don't want to leave her, but now I'm sure it won't be enough, it is never enough... .

So I am in a stage in my life where I need to decide, but how to do it, that is the question.   

Hi Matt,

There is a fine line between being strong and supportive and being caught in the cycle of conflict and dysfunction.   


Here are my suggestions:

1)  Learn everything you can about BPD.   Understand the illness and what you will be signing up for.

Have Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

2) You will need the skill to be able to emotionally detach at times from your GF, to be able to separate her issues from your own, and to not take personally the behavior of your GF. You need a very strong sense of identity and worth in yourself.   You can't be held hostage by guilt.

3)  You need to develop a safety plan on how to deal with threats of suicide.  That's stuff for professionals.   Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity.   It's important to have a clear well thought out plan in place that you will feel comfortable enacting at a moments notice.

what do you think?

'ducks

Hey Matt,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. It sounds like an more extreme version of what I've been through the past 2 years. There have been threats of suicide, but nothing too serious yet. But all the patterns of behaviour are the same.

I cannot recommend this fully to you, because everyone has an individual set of circumstances. My brain was be fried. I was becoming emotionally crippled, it was affecting my work and my happiness. She was in the process of attacking myself or herself with scissors... .luckily I was close and have a strength advantage so could stop her. But it was the final straw, I had to do something.

The balance between reducing the feeling of abandonment and getting away from your partner in times of extreme stress is difficult. I said to her, 'I'm staying with you, but we cannot be together as a normal couple. Just look at us.' I'm encouraging her to seek long-term help for herself and I've left it in her hands. I've conceded some of the burden to her best friend, especially on issues of 'threats to self' which I cannot engage with anymore. If she wants to see me and feels it is a way to get me there, I'm supporting the behaviour. When she's feeling positive and in the right frame of mind we can see each other.

This is the start of an ongoing process for me. But she needs space and freedom to address the problems herself, knowing that I'm always available to talk when she is in the right frame of mind. Knowing I'm not leaving her and want a future with her. As much of the general advice says on here... .gotta set boundaries. It's differently for each situation, but I wish you good luck. Please protect yourself too.