BPDFamily.com

BPD or Narc, or some combination thereof, is what I am dealing with.   Looking back I feel stupid and naive and just cannot believe that I didn't really "know" this man for 20 years.   I am confused on so many levels.

I have posted before but not in a while.   Basically, I have 3 kids, one from a brief prior marriage but raised by the husband I am currently divorcing.   Kids are 22, 16 and 7.   Husband always had a "controlling" edge to him but it was very subtle.   And way overshadowed by the things he SAID to me, such  as how I was his "ultimate priority" and how beautiful I was, basically saying all the right things.    In retrospect, I fell for it big time and yes I had self -esteem problems (still do) and was very needy.    We dated a short time, and got married (all within a 9 month period from meeting to marrying).    He pushed to move things along to marriage - he had been married before briefly just like I had.    I liked his "take charge" way of doing things, for example stepping in to help raise my son, making what seemed like a solid financial decisions for us (though refusing to ever have a joint bank account claiming his ex wife cleaned him out when she walked, and he feared the same).    Also should mention that I was 26 and he was 36.    He seemed very organized, get the job done type of person, and it was so easy to let him take charge and again his judgement seemed good.

As time went on, little things stood out.  For example, we had a very small wedding and a brunch for only 20 family members.    He became irate that the hotel where we had our brunch put up a sign saying "Smith Family event"  when it was my maiden name, and not his (our) last name.   He snapped at the event manager "take that down now!".   Sure it was an error but it seemed out of place to be so upset for what was a small event, to express it that way to the event manager for what was an honest mistake.

We moved as needed for his career, and over the years, he would get upset with my mother and vent to me about that... .he didn't like my stepfather and granted, my stepfather was not such a nice person.   He had mental illness.   But my husband would go on and on about how my mom was such a bad influence on our kids (by then we had a daughter together) and she lacked good judgment, how could we allow her to be around our kids for long periods of time when she chose a man like that?  Something must be wrong with her and it could influence our kids badly... what he said seemed to come from a place of LOVE for me and our kids.  It put a wedge between me and my mom.   I found myself telling my mom how bad of an influence her husband was, I am sure very hurtful to her.  And when she asked to have my kids for a week over holiday breaks I turned her down- I was so sure my husband was right.    I would tell her "H is such a mess mom, I can't allow that".    I would later find out that my mom emailed my husband asking why I felt this way, and my husband would say "Californiamomof3 sure has a mind of her own".   Basically, throwing me under the bus.   This type of modus operandi would continue in many other scenarios... .especially with my son.    My husband would come down on me for not disclipining our son, and why is he alway the "bad guy" enforcing rules, so I found myself becoming more of a harsh disciplinarian having what I felt were better boundaries and my husband was helping me to be a better parent.   But again, behind my back, I later (much later) found out he was telling my son "your mother is out of control,  what is wrong with her?"  I was so clued out!    I thought I had this perfect little family,  I was in heaven.

Fast forward to about 5 years ago.   My husband who always seemed to have a hard time talking the way couples do,  not affectionate, no real intimacy, became even more withdrawn from our marriage.   Constant  blowups over things I didn't understand,   he would tell me "you have to change, you have to change".   But no content.   I wanted so desperately for things to work out but the door slamming, abruptly leaving for work with no goodbye, just feeling like a doormat... .it wore me down and I began to cry out for help.  My way of crying out was to argue with him, we had many verbal arguments that I escalated just in hopes of "getting" something out of him.    But over time he made it clear he was not vested in our marriage, he took off his wedding ring and moved into our son's room.    By then, our son was in college so he saw none of this behavior.    I was so heart broken, I could not figure and fix what was wrong!   I didn't know what was wrong.   I was in my 40s, he in his 50s, this is the man I had figured on growing old with... .we always bought what he wanted, traveled where he wanted.   Any needs or wants I had were put aside but I was ok with that.      When I did something like take our kids on a beach trip, he was livid.    I could not make a decision of my own without his approval and that was frustrating - but was not a reason for divorce, I so badly wanted it to work out.

Marriage counseling didn't go anywhere.   He was very vague, could never get anywhere.   I knew his mom was BPD and his dad suffered from depression but he never wanted to talk about his childhood beyond saying it was fine and not "as bad" as his siblings portrayed (they made it sound very abusive, the dad physically abusive and the mom in and out of psych wards).    One of our daughters also has BPD and she was having problems but I don't think looking back it was the reason my marriage imploded.

I always said to my husband, the only thing that mattered to me was keeping our family together.    I said this when he was stressed out from work - I told him we can sell our big house, our cars, whatever and go into an apartment.   He would say back to me "that is such BS, you know you would never be happy in a small apartment, I have to work to make sure you have a Kardashian lifestyle".  Nothing could have been further from the truth!   And he came to constantly compare me to the Kardashians which made no sense, neither of us had ever watched the reality show to my knowledge... .he was like another person, I didn't know this person and I came to not know what was coming out of his mouth next.

I finally felt boxed in about 18 months ago... .he had been calling my father out of the blue to say "I am going to divorce your daughter, there is no one else, but I can't live with her anymore".   He would say terrible things about me to my friends, and our family and his family.   To be honest I was SO embarrassed.    He was airing our very personal problems to people who I loved and wanted their respect.    One day after a horrible argument I asked him to move out, and when he wouldn't, I did.   I filed for divorce which I now regret how quickly I did everything but literally I felt if I didn't do this,  no one would respect me.    I suspected he had a girlfriend but there was no evidence, other than his acting very protective of his cell phone... . it didn't make sense he would have a gf because he seemed like a non-social person.

Fast forward, the divorce could not be more ugly, and he blames me ever chance he gets.  I recently found out he was dating someone.   I found this out thru my 16 year old.    Now, my son is not talking to me at all, he clearly has been alienated and my 16 yr old with Borderline just elected to live with her dad a few weeks ago.   She and my stbx have always had a very complex up and down relationship and I Have no idea why she picked up and left my home to live with him, but she did.   The only one I have left now is my 7 year old who I have every other week.   The family I loved is gone.    And the person he is dating is someone he  worked with at a company a few years ago.   This is what bothers me... .he is 56 and she is 30.   She looks just like me at that age, and she seems to enjoy all the same things he enjoys.   I am just shocked... .I feel that I Have been replaced with a younger person who looks and acts like me (she seems very naive as I was at that age).     My kids have no idea how young she is, my 16 yr old told me she is about 47.    There is no way, I looked her up and was able to see both her year of college graduation (2007) and she looks 30 anyway.    

I am very confused.  Was he cheating on me with her years ago?   He used to refer to a "friend" who told him if I wouldn't change then he should not be with me... .is that the friend?   Does it matter?    I guess it does because I never understood why our marriage fell apart and he was so mean to me, so not caring what happened.    He has this woman (girl) staying at our home with our minor children;   they just met her for the first time a couple of weeks ago and already he has her staying over.    

I feel he has "won" on so many levels.   I am all alone most of the time, esp now over the holidays, he fights me tooth and nail in court to have the kids more and more, and on top of that he has not had to make any changes like moving (which I did and as you know it's a ton of work),  he still does all the things he enjoys and on top of that has a girlfriend who is basically like me but much younger.    I am in very good shape but she is too.    And she is so much younger.    She looks like his first wife when they got married, she looks like me when we got married!  Right now to her hair color and hair style!    It is freaky.    

Please help me to understand all of this.  I do have a good therapist, but this is new information that is so hard to comprehend.   I only found out about her age and saw her photo last night thru Facebook.   As an aside, he told the kids he met her thru friends (a lie, he met her at his previous work), and also I had set up a match.com account because I knew he was on it for a long time (about a year).   I was curious about why he was on it when there was this rumor he had a girlfriend.    As of last week, he was still showing up as "active" on the match site, and by that I mean he was logging on almost every day.    Why if he has this girlriend and everything else in  life, would he be still looking?    He told my 16 yr old the girlfriend is going to be around for a while and he is happy with her, they have been dating according to him for 4 months... .yet he was on match al the time, I could "see" him on there and my friend even reached out to him to see if he responds.   He does.   He badmouths me to my kids, they are totally programmed to defend him, even my 7 year old sometimes does that even though she tells me "daddy is a cold man"... . I am dating but no one special right now, and again so hard to think of this young person stepping in to what was my life.     I feel that i will never have all three of my kids with me again... .it is me and my 7 year old, and I am extremely unhappy with the custody arrangement so I am going back to court  based on his alienation to try to cut it back from 50% to less.

I know this post is all over the place.   Help though?

Hi californiamomof3,

What would winning look like to you? In 1 year from now, 3 years from now, 10 years from now, what does that life look like for you? Inner and outer life, relationship with kids, friends, the works.

BPD/NPD is baffling behavior to try and understand, although it is possible to get to the bottom of it and eventually understand -- my experience is that empathy is how you do this, and also that empathy has levels, and each level can have many different emotions associated with it. Not all of these emotions are easy to feel.

Thanks... winning would look like having all 3 of my kids in my life, and learning to let go of the pain that i have from feeling "tricked" by my husband.    I cannot change the past I realize that.   But, he is able to get my kids "empathy" somehow to the point they do not wish to be with me.   I really do not understand how thing will change if at all.   

Each child may have a different relationship, and require a slightly different approach. Do any of your kids respond to validation?

What to tell kids about a high-conflict co-parent

In this article, Bill Eddy writes, "Many parents have asked us about how to raise a child or children with a co-parent (whether a spouse, former spouse or unmarried partner) who is “high-conflict.” It is very important to avoid being accused of “bad-mouthing” the other parent, by speaking negatively about him or her to the children and providing too much information about adult issues, such as a court case. On the other hand, you want to protect your children from the blaming and uncontrolled behavior of the high-conflict co-parent, and to provide the children with coping skills and help them not blame themselves. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203238.0