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Title: Feelings . . .and confusion Post by: ApChagi1 on December 21, 2015, 10:14:58 AM My dBPDw and I have been separated a few months, and quite honestly, it has been a nice break. We were talking on the phone last night and she said I sounded "weird". I said I was feeling depressed and lonely about the holidays. My actual words were, "I feel depressed and lonely about the holidays this year." She regularly complains about how I don't express my feelings. However, after I said about how I was feeling depressed and lonely, she went off about how I make everything about me and that I ask her to act as my therapist. I really really don't understand this. I was genuinely trying to express my feelings, but it ended up in a fight about how I make everything about me. It really seems I can't win with this, or much of anything lately, to be honest. I'm wondering why I try any more at this point with her.
Title: Re: Feelings . . .and confusion Post by: ProKonig on December 21, 2015, 10:43:58 AM Yea... .I know what you mean. We always regret our choice of words after and wonder whether we could have expressed anything a little differently. You're really stuck between a rock and hard place with situations like that. Say 'I'm sorry you are feeling that way,' and it sounds like you don't feel the pain too. Say, 'Me too,' and it's sometimes interpreted as 'suck it up, I've got problems too.' My wording is generally, 'We're in sync, it's hard for both of us. Let's keep trying our best.' Walking on eggshells, as always! Good luck!
Title: Re: Feelings . . .and confusion Post by: Skip on December 21, 2015, 02:28:36 PM You're not going to get consistency with an impulsive person. Next time, it might be fine.
I suspect she was feeling that you were blaming her. Title: Re: Feelings . . .and confusion Post by: unicorn2014 on December 21, 2015, 04:37:30 PM I'm sorry you've experienced that and I've experienced it too.
The best thing you can do is be sure of what you're saying inside of yourself so when your BPD wife reacts to you you will not be swayed about by the power of her reaction. Its hard to do. Title: Re: Feelings . . .and confusion Post by: MapleBob on December 21, 2015, 05:45:39 PM She regularly complains about how I don't express my feelings. However, after I said about how I was feeling depressed and lonely, she went off about how I make everything about me and that I ask her to act as my therapist. Your best strategy is probably NOT to try to understand the contradicting messages that she gives you, but to find ways to mitigate them. Honestly, she probably means that sometimes she wants to hear about your feelings, and sometimes she doesn't. It might even be that she only wants to hear about the positive feelings as they relate to her, but not the negative ones (and certainly not as they relate to her!). And yes, that's selfish and disordered. Can you live with that? It's funny, because my uBPD ex was the same way - she wanted me to essentially be her therapist, but that was not a two-way street whatsoever. |