BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. I'm new to this. I've been with my BPD husband on and sometimes off for 24 years, married for 14, 2 boys of 13 and 11.

I couldn't begin to tell you about this time in this amount of words, but throughout the realshionship I've been controlled, accused of all sorts, holidays have been ruined by his outbursts over nothing. He drinks too much, this causes him to be even angrier. He spent the majority of the children's lives in the pub, he literally spends no time with my sons, he likes to cook, so he does do that. Recently he's sensed that I've been backing away, I felt dead inside, because I was scared of him, and he was not nice, I found that I did not really want to sleep with him, this was the problem for him- he just didn't get that it was his fault that I did not feel romantic/amorous. This caused him serious issues. Which of course made his behaviour worse. Over the past few weeks his anger etc has been increasing, this culminated with an episode that resulted in him coldly saying that if I accused him of projection again- he'd 'slit my throat' this was in front of my children.

I'm away from him now, he's now trying to get everyone on his side and blaming me for causing him to say this.

I actually feel broken, I know I shouldn't. But I crave him. Nobody rational can see this. I can't seem to see a way out. I know I can't have him back, because it's not right for my sons.

It's reassuring that I'm not alone.

You need to focus on the safety of your children above all. Never think he would not hurt them when he is dysregulated. No normal person threatens to kill their spouse; the kids are collateral damage to 'teach' you a lesson. It is not about you or him now. Your kids must be kept safe and they need you.

hi Ilovehedgehogs

I want to *welcome* you to the family here.    I am very glad to hear that you are in a safe place now.    And I want to commend you for taking the brave first step of reaching out and sharing your story.   We all know that isn't easy. 

The relationships we all find ourselves in are not like average relationships.  The bonds we form are complex, intense and complicated.   I understand what you mean when you say you crave him.   

Reaching out for support for yourself is a very good thing.   Do you mind if I ask, have you connected with any local support where you are?   Some one you can talk to, even anonymously, about the threat that was made?

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.   Please keep posting here and let us know how you are doing okay?   Reading and sharing with people who have experienced what you have will help.

'ducks

I like your response better than mine! 

Hi Ilovehedgehogs,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how that would feel scary and hopeless. We're glad that you have found us. Many members here share similar stories and can offer you guidance and support. You don't have to go through this alone.


I sent you a number. It helps to talk to compassionate person in real life. Can get you to give the number a call?

 Hi. He's moved out, I've been to Women's Aid and the police, they are coming to my home tomorrow. I didn't make a statement though. He is requesting to see the children though. I've been here before-without the violent threats. And I'm scared I will cave in and take him back. It's the same pattern over and over again. But I know my sons deserve better than this. And so do I. But I've never had any other relationship. This is 'normal' to me. This sounds so rubbish, but I've got an actual female friend who is not related to me, coming round for a drink tomorrow. I haven't been out since 2014, it's not been worth the aggro after. ("I don't tell you you can't go out" but when you come back I'll accuse you of all sorts)

What is really bothering me is that his parents are already manipulating me into taking him back.

hi Ilovehedgehogs,

It is certainly understandable to be upset by contact with his parents.  I probably would be too.  You really aren't under any obligation to talk to or listen to them this week.   Or at least until you have gotten through the conversation with the police.   It's perfectly acceptable to say to them "I can't talk to you about this right now, we will talk later."

Is there some one available to help you through the police visit, a trusted friend?  Spiritual advisor?  someone from Women's Aid?   Perhaps it would be helpful to have some one with you, to provide moral support.

This is a lot to sort through, you will want to have all the resources in your corner that you can.

'ducks

ilovehedgehogs,


These forums are a safe place for you to share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated. My situation was different but I recall going back to my ex wife often and I felt isolated and I couldn't see living life differently at the time. I completely understand.

Thankyou for all the support. Everyone is playing down the death threat now. It's like it was ok. I know 'normal' people do not threaten things like this. I'm back in my home now.

It feels ok. I hope I can do it this time. My friend works for social services in mental health. So if he sends a particularly nasty message. I'm now sending them to her to analyse. Which is great, because the abuse is just normally meant for me. But somebody else is 'hearing' it. It makes me feel good that I have support.

Their family probably doesn't want a light to be shined on this stuff and that's why they are downplaying it. It's good to hear that you know that it's not right. We've walked a mile in your shoes. We're here 24 / 7 365 for you.