BPDFamily.com

I read the VERY helpful information on your website and it gave me much more insight as to why I ALLOWED the relationship to continue. My ex-partner has the BPD traits.  I have also read When Hope Is Not Enough and I Hate You Don't Leave Me.   I had never been in a relationship with someone with those traits, nor do I have family members with it. There was no substance abuse or other abuse in my family.  I have frustration with myself at times, thinking - what the heck were you doing?  It is VERY hard to intellectually know that walking away and not looking back is the best thing to do to end the cycle. However, emotionally, I could never figure out why I still thought about the person, "loved" the person, etc.  

My marriage ended 5+ years prior to ever going out on a date and the first time I became interested in someone again it was with this fellow.  So, because of your page, I get why I was attracted and stayed that way after so many cyclic break ups, reunited, break up, etc., etc. He and I actually are extremely similar when it comes to what we like to do & they are simple things - walks in the woods, watching a sunrise or sunset with a cup of coffee... . That was got the "hook set" for me I guess - he was filling a void & I was tired of doing things on my own and having the occasional pity parties for myself for my loneliness. We broke up AGAIN in the summer of 2015 and starting talking again the very first part of December.

So, after almost 6 months of no contact with him and with me learning and reading about his types of behaviors, he happened to enter my life again. Although I understand it didn't "just happen." Intentionally testing the waters on his part, no doubt. I felt after learning what I did, I would try being in his life. Practiced mindfulness, validation, being a positive influence and after only about 3 weeks, he became emotionally dysregulated again.  No surprise to me and I felt SO HAPPY - sort of a "well, that didn't work" type of mindset.

 

I now find myself having some sad times.  I know that's normal.  I am resolved to not have any contact with this person when he tries to call or text  - and I know eventually that time will come again from his end. I have blocked him, but he will come to my home sooner or later, asking if I want to go for a walk in the timber, etc.,etc. Emotionally, it feels like an addiction to me!  

So, my question is this:  1)  I read different things, but I am apparently not "out of side, out of mind" to him and he keeps coming back - WHY after SEVERAL MONTHS?  2) Is it like an addiction so to speak?  What else can I do for myself other than block his number, keep busy?  Read more books on the subject?  I don't consider myself as someone who thinks I'm "all that and more," however, it just blows me away and sometimes makes me so frustrated with myself that I can't just completely get on with life after being in a relationship THAT dysfunctional.

I have entertained the idea of when he eventually does come around, telling him to leave and not come back until he's had some consistent therapy and to let me know who it is.  

I know he has had some therapy for his issues because he talks about the therapist and throws out some terms that I've read in the books about BPD - he may talk about how he needs to work on his projections, his feelings of shame from the past, etc., be more mindful, etc. He hasn't been to see the person since last summer because he told me so and was not consistent with his appointments with her.  But then I think there again - I'm making up excuses to hold out hope?  I don't know... . 

hey dlbBPD and *welcome*

i think the title of your thread says it all. im glad you have been reading and have some idea of what to expect (or at least to expect the unexpected) as you recover from this volatile relationship. i think most here will tell you its not a linear process, and reading the experiences of others can make us feel a lot less confused and alone.

"1)  I read different things, but I am apparently not "out of side, out of mind" to him and he keeps coming back - WHY after SEVERAL MONTHS?"

people with BPD struggle with object consistency, yes. that means when we are not in front of them, they struggle to recall a sense of us, who we are, and who we are to them. i dont think "out of sight out of mind" is meant to be taken quite literally. when i wasnt with my ex should would be intensely lonely and telling me she missed me. she felt that way because she was alone, she felt empty, and didnt have the ability to soothe herself in my absence - she obviously did not forget i exist.

"2) Is it like an addiction so to speak?"

we all have different stories in this regard, so its difficult to say. you mention you have blocked him - what leads you to believe he will contact you again? do you intend to respond?

Thank you for responding.  I know it sounds melodramatic, but I got tears in my eyes.  The person who welcomed me to the website said reading stuff in books is one thing, "talking" to people on here is another.  To communicate with someone who "gets it" is wonderful!

I know he will try to come back to me because he has before. Showed up at my house after months saying, "hey, wanna go watch the blood moon rise with me tonight?"  I literally just stood there with my mouth open.  After time had passed and then - blam - like nothing ever happened?  That is when I started researching for myself, reading the books.  Most of it then made sense.  I know there are very common and typical traits to the behaviors, I just didn't realize that the person with the traits would still try to rekindle things after months had gone by. Because let's face it, he wasn't just stopping by to invite me along as "just" a friend. I had no contact with him and was getting on with life, with good days and not so great days.

As with any individual, this person has many fine qualities about them. In my profession (RN - hospice for last 9 of 22 years), there is definitely a sense of open-mindedness towards the individuals we care for/provide service to. So, it is part of my personality/character to believe that there is hope in all people and in all situations.  That is why months after that sudden exposure to him again, reading, examining my own feelings, values, and beliefs, I thought I could be present, be mindful, validate, not take it personally, etc. He is a worthwhile person, not just some  "thing" that is broken to be cast aside.   His next visit was to see if I could dog-sit his old and then-sick dog while he was at work.  We started talking, having coffee, talking about a relationship again.  3 weeks later the emotional dysregulation surfaced again and I realized that I certainly did not have the skills.

I came across this site and am reading and reading and reading - anything an everything I can for help with my own feelings. I see there are many more things that need to be done, other than validating, not taking things personally, etc.  Having a plan to get away when the conversation heats up, etc.  Wow.  So, I did not have an action plan and allowed the feelings/behaviors/verbal expressions in and that made it worse - of course it did :-)  I'm realizing I had part of it, but just a small part. I did remain very calm, talked calmly, but did not use the most helpful verbage.

I feel I cannot have a relationship with him, being the only one working at it. We TRULY have many, many interests in common, have had very good and open talks at times, and I love that. He volunteers to do simple carpentry work for elderly people out with no expectancy of any type of reward, other than a thank you.  And I love him for those qualities as well. The mental & emotional capacity/understanding/having a plan in place and having to use it on a daily basis is something I feel would too much for me to handle on my own.  Much of that comes from my lifestyle as it is right now- working mom, 3 teens, and this person disappears from life after an argument.  I see stories in here about partners who told the person get therapy so we can continue our relationship in a more healthy, loving way. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it makes things better, sometimes it doesn't work. I realize people have to walk away sometimes.  I guess I have the "what-ifs."   You asked me what I would say/what my response will be when he shows up again?  I would say to him- go get consistent treatment.  I will participate as well.  If not, that is your choice, but please don't ever have any contact with me again.  That is my honest, vulnerable answer.

He filled the I-wish-I-had-someone-who-loved-to-do-all-these-alone-time-things-like-I-do void.  Made me laugh & smile every single day.  Things that hit home to me. I am moving on with my life.  I have to.  I am going to take ballroom dance lessons to meet new people, new friends, with no expectancy of finding a new partner in life. Just to have some fun & scratch something else off my bucket list. I love the music and I love to dance, so I am sure to enjoy!

I have so much admiration for the people who tell of their situations in here that continue with the relationship with the individuals who refuse to get help; using the techniques.  This person and I are not married nor have we lived together. So when I am sent off on my way with all the profanities & etc., there is no coming home to me or visa versa. He's just gone. I don't feel I am mentally/emotionally strong enough to be in a relationship like that knowing the other person has no desire to explore why intimate relationships don't work for him - and no, it's not always the other person - as he claims initially then says a "whoops - I was totally wrong - sorry 'bout that."  I say that because in my original post, he has gotten help from a therapist. He even uses some PD traits language that he recognizes in himself. However, he is "too busy" to consistently continue to get help for it. He wants love in his life - a healthy relationship - but doesn't do anything to help himself.  I understand that is no unusual. 

Thanks for listening.  Sure is helpful.

Hi DLBBPD

I so feel ur pain! im in a very similiar situation ... .I wish we could talk. I am struggling breaking it off with my UBPDbf of 3 years... .

Maybe we can chat?

U are very strong!

You are so dead-on with all of this. The hard part for me as well is all of the commonalities of activities, the long talks, and not being alone in my adventures. Then it blows up, he is back in his town, in his condo, doing god-knows-what, with god-knows-who, only to send a text the next day or so saying, "sorry about our argument last night, I have to control that better... ." I feel sick to my stomach about it. There is no home life to be made with such a destabilized person.

I'm not sure how strong I am, however, I have a healthy self esteem. I am perfectly imperfect and I'm ok with that.  I feel very strongly I cannot have a relationship with an individual that has such strong traits and gets dysregulated on such a frequent basis; yells & screams profanities, and starts coming at me.   Now mind you, this last "try," I tried my best to stay neutral. However, I did not use the right communication techniques that are helpfully described in here.  I used some, but not all.  I did not walk away and take a time out. I did not have a plan.  I walked away, but with the last word.  That's not on the "to do" list in the lessons in here.  That's why I say, I can't do it; not without direct, face-to-face counseling for myself and for that individual.  On his part, I don't see that happening.  And I'm ok with that.  You can't fix, change, or take responsibility for the other person. Only yourself.

Remember, my relationship with this individual had cyclic break-ups and returns.  About 1 1/2 years worth.  I had several months of working on myself, learning about his traits.  It IS very, very hard! There have been times I've remembered that quote, "just breathe." Lots of crying.  I remained true to myself. I kept taking those walks in the woods, I kept taking myself fishing & building myself fires by the river.  I am a nature fanatic!  I have to say that I did not always enjoy  those times.  Sometimes NOT AT ALL.  I went, I bawled, I prayed. BUT I WENT.  You have to keep going on in life, whether you feel like it or not, because in the end, doing that for yourself DOES make a difference when the healing process progresses.

 

So you see, all the months of work on myself - exploring my values, beliefs, things I felt were good qualities, things I needed to work on - all helped.  I have a very strong spiritual faith as well.  Personally, that is very important to/for me.  I prayed for and continue to pray for him, but my prayers are different now.  I pray for his healing and happiness wherever that is at and whoever he is with.  I can, because what I did when I wasn't with him.  This last time - the time that lasted 3 weeks total? Yeah, I had to look at myself and be honest. Is this really what I want?  Can I do this?  No, not alone.  And I also know that is o.k. This last time was soo much easier for me because I already had muscled my way through a lot of pain, suffering. I went from crying every day to crying a couple of times a week.  When it suddenly happened again this last time, my first feeling after was - oh, no, Nope. Way in over my head with this.

What'll happen since I feel I am sort of ahead of the game in the healing process, is that in the very near future it won't matter when he shows up at my house again.  It took almost 6 months last time.  I imagine I will be able to smile a genuine smile and say, "No thank you.  You can't be in my life anymore.  I've moved on.  I wish you well."  Folks with these traits ARE worthwhile people. They matter, they count. They've some

times been though some pretty terrible things even from childhood. It doesn't make you a bad person if you can't participate in that person's life. The fact is - they'll keep going anyway - to different places, different faces.

Just breathe... .   get on with life even if that's the last thing you feel like doing.  I still have the "what ifs" at times. I found writing my feelings down in a journal helped too.  It was amazing to see how my mindset changed over the months!  It's all part of the process. You may try things that don't work. Try something else.  Don't give up on you.

 

You describe my last marriage recovery. It took me 2 years to get to myself.  I was freaking awesome for 4 years. Then I got with this one

not melodramatic at all :). talking it out and connecting with others here, i think goes a very long way. a great supplement to the therapeutic process.

whether to continue, return to, or end these relationships are a very personal decision with unique circumstances. i too really admire those that have worked tirelessly to improve their relationships, and many have seen real results. its not uncommon to learn about BPD, have a series of aha moments, and return to the relationship believing we are better equipped. relationships take two though. self improvement can improve the relationship, but it cannot force it to work to our satisfaction. my ex and i simply werent right for each other, BPD aside. thats okay, and it may be the case for you too. your self improvement though, is not at all in vain, and will go a long way toward helping you build healthier future relationships.


these relationships certainly do both fill, and leave a void. i think you have precisely the right attitude and great ideas. simply put, creating new memories, rebuilding our lives, doing what we love and meeting new people in the process; that is how we fill such a void. this attitude suggests to me, DLBBPD, that ultimately, and with the great work youre doing, you will be okay  . we are here for you every step of the way.