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I met with my ex gf today.  She left a month ago but we agreed to exchange gifts.  I have been doing awful at NC. But since Monday I haven't contacted her.   Over the weekend she suggested Christmas Eve lunch to exchange gifts. 

This morning I was dying to send a text to confirm. And she actually beat me to the punch by texting me. So we met. I had more gifts for her which I knew I would. Sadly i bought them after our break up .

Anyhow, I was strong during lunch. Didn't talk about us or get emotional at all.  Then afterwards we went to her car.  The exchange went good too. I left acouple of the gifts and told her to open tomorrow (she won't be with family till Saturday as she doesn't have custody of her children and her mother lived twelve hours away). She's living with girl ten years younger and will be doing Christmas with them. So I wanted her to have gifts to open tomorrow.

Before I left she gave me a hug.  And she asked if I was going to send her a merry Christmas tomorrow.  I told her I'm trying to pull back. I expect she will message me though when she opens her gifts.

I know not to read anything into it. I know she's moving on. Though I don't think she's met anyone yet. 

I keep praying that she will have a change of heart.  But I think she is enjoying her single life style for now. And I know it's only a matter of time till she meet someone and fall in love.

At least she is left with a positive memory of us to help erase or lessen any negative ones she holds. Time erases bad memories just like it helps heal us.

I sort of expect that this was the last time I will see and/or hear from her again

Honestly, she doesn't have the capacity to love.  Not love in the sense that you're using it, anyway.  That's the nature of the disorder.  She doesn't love herself, she can't possibly love anyone else.  Sure, she'll 'think' she's in love, right up until the moment she's not.  Think about it, it happened to you that way.  Why do you think whoever she moves on to won't suffer the same fate?

Time doesn't erase the bad memories for a pwBPD.  They will always remember (and feel) the 'bad' things you did to them.  At least that's what my ex told me when we were discussing the disorder during a time of lucidity.  She had told me that she remembered I was good to her and that made her miss me, but to people that had done 'bad' to her (no matter how slight that bad was), she never forgot it (and still held grudges toward them, some of them went as far back as high school... .she's in her late 20s).

Perhaps it is or isn't the last time you've heard from her.  Some attempt to re-engage and others don't.  Usually the ones that were nice to them they try to recycle at some point because they remember the good times.  But, the cycle is usually shorter before they discard you again.  Look around this board and you'll find very few success stories (unless the person is medicated and been through DBT - which still is no guarantee).

The clock is ticking before she attempts to re-start something.  Trust me... .it took mine 3 years to re-engage.  We just ended a 1 year r/s (previous one was 4 months).  It's been a rocky year (I'd say our first "hiccup" was about 3 months in but I kept going like a fool), but she's already moved on to a new guy.  She started discarding me in October, limbo up until I found out she had been out with the new guy (a few days ago).  Honestly, I think she would've had me on 'stand by' had I not found out and finding out was by a crapshoot. 

Trust me, it isn't over.

Except I'm not one hundred percent sure she has BPD. That's the thing. Either way I guess no guarantee she will or will not try to come back at some point.