BPDFamily.com

My ex has very strong engulfment fears and only seems to fear abandonment occasionally.  His engulfment fears morphed into a fear that I was stalking him after the breakup, which has lasted almost 5 months.  I finally let him know that I'm dating other people, and he began to post his whereabouts online again, which in the past has been a signal that I'm painted white.  In the past I've gone right back to see him when he told me where he was, but this time I'm ignoring him.  After a few days of being totally ignored, he posted that he's bringing a "date" along to one of the places I know he's going.  Did the abandonment fears get to him, and he needed to reject me to feel like I wasn't rejecting him first?  I wonder if my perpetual ignoring him triggered him.  Thoughts?

Hi GEM, it's natural to wonder whether we specifically triggered certain behaviors or not. However, another thing to remember is that what we see happening on the outside is not always an accurate reflection of the turmoil they are experiencing on the inside.

Even while a BPD is in the clingy stage, in the back of their mind they are expecting abandonment, whether it's real or imagined. Remember one of their distorted thought patterns is: I'm weak and can't survive without other people to help me; I have to be strong because other people can't be trusted and will always fail/abandon me. It seems like both these thoughts should exclude the other, but in disordered thinking they're both present simultaneously and their reaction is often maladaptive and ineffective.

Do you feel like you could've done things differently to save the past relationship? How much of the breakup do you feel was your fault and how much was his? 50/50, 40/60, something else?

I don't feel like there's much I could have done.  My ex was like a bottomless pit of need.  His engulfment fears pushed him to constantly exclude me from major events in his life, and eventually I felt like I just wasn't a part of what was going on.  Meanwhile, he asked so much of me in terms of affection, finances, etc. and failed to reciprocate.  When I asked him to reciprocate, he called me "childish."  I miss him, yeah, but unlike a lot of folks here, I don't have an idealized image of him as my soul mate.  FWB is about the most I could hope for.

This behavior that I'm seeing now is very close to what I saw the last time he came close to a recycle.  He makes himself available to me, but he is not the type to humble himself and apologize.  I am supposed to come back and pretend that nothing happened.  I remember seeing him in person the last time he feared me rejecting him, and at one point he sat down on a bench next to me to try to get me to talk to him, and bolted about 30 seconds later because he couldn't stand the feeling of me not liking him.  I guess I feel the way I do because of his past behavior.  He can't stand being wide open for rejection, so his "date" (who might even be his brother) gives him a *reason* to think that I wouldn't come, other than not liking him.  It's a defense against abandonment.

Last time I pretended nothing happened and took him back into my good graces, the nice conversation lasted about 2 hours.  The next time I saw him, he hated me again and threatened me with a PPO.  Recycling doesn't exactly get me all starry-eyed.

hi GEM

sorry if i ask you this but why are you checking his posting online?

We share a mutual group of friends and he had made an issue about him attending the same parties as I am.  We are on the same invitation list so we can both see what parties the other is attending.  After having been threatened with a PPO twice, it's in my best interest to know where he is so I can avoid him.  I'm not checking any websites I wouldn't normally check, even if I weren't looking for him.  

If you logged on there, you'd see me RSVPed for only parties he's not attending, and vice versa.  I have to be fast to get there first!