BPDFamily.com

I am not sure my wife is BPD, however she displays a lot of symptoms.  It is good knowing that I have some idea of what is going on. However it provides me with several obstacles in my daily interactions. The constant ups and downs drive me crazy. I will list a few examples of what happens, I just need some sanity because now I question myself.

-Get upset easily based on how I speak or "make faces" when she talks to me

-Once she gets upset there is nothing you can say to defuse the situation

-Insults me or list her complaints regarding me in general

-Always getting into some drama work or family

-Is very cold and black and white

-Everything is my fault (Mathematically Impossible)

-Remembers everything bad or has selective memory

-Puts words in my mouth, when I speak I did not say that she replies that's what I heard

-Everything is about her, I make concessions to accommodate her but she won't do the same

I know I need to get out of this situation, I guess a lot of us have hope of change or cling on to getting a crumb of affection.  I know the game is over at the end of the day it does not get better without work (a lot of work) I am tired, and I just want to be happy at the end of the day.  I feel like I am a hostage negotiator who loses more than he wins. I have no desire to cheat but I can now see why people do.

I have come to the conclusion that I can only work on me and prepare myself to leave.

Working on you is def first step.  I recently started therapy after being resistant for a long time. Finally starting to see the caretaker I am. Starting to get stronger too. You don't need a diagnosis of BPD just the irrational mood and putting someone down is hard enough.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  Keep working on you. 

Hi Leo-

Based on the information provided I am not completely convinced that she is BPD, although it is very much possible that she is.  Typically you will see things spill over in to bad behavior patterns and real life consequences if they are actually BPD... .here are some examples of my experience with my ex BPD GF -

- several past relationships, all ending domestic violence situations

- infidelity and sexually promiscuous behavior

- complete panic during times of perceived abandonment (try and go away for a business trip and see what happens)

- refusing to work

- Shop lifting

- complete inability to keep a reasonably clean and organized car or home

- problems with personal hygiene

Here is perhaps the biggest -

The utter inability for the person to admit that any of those things are going on in their life.  So they are in a sense completely delusional.  

For instance- I had a women call me several years ago to tell me that my BPD GF was sleeping with her husband.  There was incontrovertible evidence proving that she was doing this.  To this day she denies that it ever happened.  It is as if a whole phase of her life was simply forgotten.

This my friend is BPD!   Does your wife show any of these behaviors?

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Some of those behaviors she does have. The infidelity (may have done I do feel like something is up, wants a open relationship. I asked her she was seeing someone else and she said no but stated if i was seeing someone else it would lift a huge burden off of her. I did press her more but she would not go into detail and maintained that she was not seeing anyone else. This has yet to be proven but I have not gone as far as checking her phone and recording conversations when I am not home, part of me does not want to know this will speed up the exit process) and promiscuous past.

She has something this is not normal what I am going through I have other relationships and this one definitely takes the cake.

I second guess my version of what happens, think sometimes I am crazy.  She may be very high functioning but she has been dianoaged with severe depression and takes lexipro.

Thanks RR4U,

What has helped you get through? I know other people are going through this, it helps a little bit I have other people I can speak to other than friends.  I do not tell to many people about this because I feel judged and they think i am crazy or making these antics up.

Hi Leo,

My current gf displays similar symptoms as yours and some of them are not as severe as others have experienced.  I believe there is a spectrum from high functioning to low functioning.  But regardless of the diagnosis of BPD if a relationship is not working out for you that is a good enough reason to leave.  In my instance, I can not have a predictable easy relaxed life and am constantly emotionally drained which has result in severe stress tension headaches, ptsd, weight gain.  So the relationship is not working out for me and I have made an escape plan.  With people that are emotionally stable I would have just talked and we would have broken up but with her I fear repercussions and broken macbook pro, police, etc. which is why I have a silent plan.  However, it is possible to work on the relationship if you want to put in so much energy into it.  Maybe it is worth it for you but not for me

I highly recommend recording her conversations when she is not home and looking through her phone.  Once you confirm it you will have the ability to easily divorce her.  You owe it to yourself to find out. 

My ex BPD said she wanted an open relationship.  She simply wanted to validate her behavior. I would venture to say that your wife is doing the same thing.

Her phone is locked Samsung I am trying to figure out how to get in. As far as recording her I have to wait till I am not home a leave a recorder on. I know I owe it to myself but divorce is not as easy as people portray.

Hi, Leo Im just curious when you first met your wife or when you were dating, were you the best and greatest thing that ever happened and you could do no wrong?

I don't know if I could have done anything wrong but it did move fast. Should of seen the symptoms before hand but I was in love. She wanted to get married or was talking about marriage within 3 months. We met on the Internet. Now I will say when dealing in this relationship any missteps that you do will be used against you.  She said a lot of times she didn't picture it this way. Meaning to say if it doesn't fit her reality or precieved reality then it's bad

Hi Leo

I started a few years ago with going through the phone.  It ended use being more of an obsession for me. It made me sick.  We now have different plans so I can't look at the bill anymore. I know he was talking to someone else but I didn't have the strength to leave.  Years later I'm still trying to get the strength to leave. I started counseling by myself a few months ago.  I can honesty say that this is the first time I feel I'm making progress. I've learned and accepted he's sick.  The only person I can change is ME.  Hoping and wishing is not going to change him.  I also started reading the book Stop Care taking the BP/NP. In a crazy way it makes a lot of sense.  I like this one better than stop walking on egg shells. The first step in staying or leaving has to do with US not them.  We as the NOn BPD have to get strong.work on ourselves and why we allow someone to treat us this way.  Yup I now feel I'm babbling. Wishing you a peaceful day. 

My BPDw has been advocating that I engage in "side action" for a long time.  Most times, I suggested that her doing this is an attempt to validate either her own actions or desires.  She, of course, denied it every time.

About three weeks ago, in the afterglow of 3.5 hours or more of conjugal activity, she advised me that she had to think of a woman to "get aroused and get off."  Having casually dropped that little bombshell, she followed up with another one, namely that since she had to conjure up images of a woman for the past 3.5 hours of non-stop sex, she is obviously bisexual.  Since she was obviously bisexual, she wondered how I would feel if she found a female sex partner for some "girl on girl side action".  I responded to this question by asking her what was prompting it, knowing what was coming.  And it came, just as I expected.  She met a girl back at the end of October through an Internet dating site.  They communicated back and forth via that site, then moved on to texting, and had made a date to meet in person for lunch.  I responded to all of that by telling my BPDw that I had no issue with her meeting another woman for lunch, but her disclosure of bisexuality was not a license for marital infidelity.  She met her new love interest for lunch and was as giddy as a teenager in telling me all about her when she got home.  I was not surprised to learn that her new prospective playmate was raised by neglectful and abusive adoptive parents.  I wasn't too surprised to learn that she had met the husband, too -that this married man had innocently dropped his wife off and picked her up from her lunch date with mine.  Nor was I too surprised when, on the 22nd of December of 2015, my BPDw left our children to fend for themselves and lied to them and me as to her whereabouts and to me about her emotional state when she was really off having a nice lasagna dinner with her new love interest and her love interest's husband.  Nothing happened, because I caught her in her lie and she felt it best that she leave a bit earlier than planned.  She waited for me to come home from work at 2:30 AM on the 23rd to tell me the truth.  The following day, she opined that something sexual likely would have happened between her new lover and her had she stayed a bit longer.  I told her what had really happened is that another pwBPD had just set her up to play "unicorn" and that she would have been unable to resist, given her lack of impulse control and respect for societal boundaries.

This is what your BPD suggesting that you indulge in "side action" or some kind of "open relationship" can really look like in the end -hence me sharing it with you here.  

I think it is all about trying to validate their own impulses, actions, or both.  Whatever it is, empathetic it is not and it doesn't come from a giving place, but a selfish, taking one.