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The latest thing BPDh is doing is withdrawing. I've been through this before, of course, but it always scares me. Why? Because sometimes he withdraws so far, that he then wants to leave the marriage. He gets in such a dark place, and his thinking is all black concerning us. He cycles, and this seems to occur for about 3-4 months every year, usually starting sometime in November. Holidays are hard due to this, and the alienation of his kids.

I'm trying to not be in the triangle, and I'm definitely not trying to rescue him or anyone else. The triangle thing is the one I struggle with hardest.

Some years, I ignored the withdrawal, but I can't say that really worked either. My ignoring it seemed to give him confirmation(in his mind), that I don't care, that there's nothing to save, and a whole host of other negatives he ascribes it, instead of looking at WHY he chose to withdraw. I used to chase him or seek him out, but after years of that, it got old. BUT, it's almost like if I don't seek him out, or seek to talk things out, or find a resolution(even though this is ME being the "fixer", which I'm trying to step away from doing), that things would just escalate to the point of him saying we have no relationship(his choice, due to his withdrawing), and he then finds reasons to end the marriage.

How do I stay out of the triangle, stay healthy, focus on ME, but not make things worse in the marriage? I greatly desire connection, or to be able to share my feelings with him, but my feelings make him really angry. I can't talk to him, as that also angers him. Just tonight, after the stress of all the holidays, and issues with his kids(refusing to be around me, and BPDh not wanting to be around me tonight), I was crying, and he asked me why, but when I told him my reasons for feeling bad, he got super angry, and barged off to the spare bedroom. It's like he asks me, only to use it against me? I mean, I'm already obviously feeling hurt or stressed, and then HE gets mad and judges me? Right when I need him to hold me, or empathize(haha, as if), he withdraws, and starts blathering about my feelings being wrong, or how he doesn't want to hear about them. UHM, why did he ask then? It feels like a huge game. A no win situation. I feel I was set up.

How best to deal with all this, especially his recent withdrawing? Without stepping back into the triangle?

Also, he's complaining about no recent sex, and I was sick for over a week,  and he hasn't really approached me? He said something crude today, and later acted like I just should have taken that to mean he wanted sex? He never used to be like that. It's like he just feels he should be able to demand sex, or I should read his mind, and when he says something disrespectful sexually, it means he wants sex NOW? Most men know to woo their women, or figure out what will get them some sex. With BPDh, sex has come to feel like I'm just a distraction, not like I'm a person. I'd like to have sex with him, but not the way he's been recently demanding and being crude.

Maybe these two issues are related, but maybe not. I'm open to ideas and advice. I'm so sick of doing the wrong thing. I just want things to get better.

The withdrawal cycles with my partner are much shorter and usually explode a lot quicker. The last time she withdrew, by the weekend she was threatening suicide and I had the play the role of rescuer.

Yours sounds like a really tough situation and much more prolonged. I completely understand your desire to stay out of the triangle... .sometimes you have to protect yourself and let them work it out themselves. As you say though, it rarely seems to help due to the irrational inferences taken from your decision to give them space. Especially when you have to worry about your job etc

Have you tried sitting down asking him why he is withdrawing? I guess using validation techniques to try and prevent the problem escalating is necessary? Usually when I try it breaks down and spirals into aggression and irrationality, but... .it gets resolved, even if I have to be hit by a hurricane before I see some clear skies. Sometimes it feels like the only solution, withdrawal just gets darker and darker. One thing is clear, some therapy is probably required!

Take care of yourself! Good luck.

CB, it seems that there is constant drama, almost like a chess game. He makes a move, you try some sort of move to make things better, he then makes another dramatic move. I can understand how frustrating this is to you and the constant stress.

One way he can get at you is through fear of losing the marriage. He uses this fear to scare you into compliance- threatening divorce, withdrawal, creating tough choices for you.

but it always scares me. Why? Because sometimes he withdraws so far, that he then wants to leave the marriage.


Fears are one of the big issues we deal with in 12 steps and one that my co-dependency sponsor got into with me frequently. Not because there was anything wrong with feeling scared. Fear is normal. We all have them. However, where fear gets us into trouble is if it drives our behavior. If our behavior is driven by fear, then we could be out of control of our choices.

This is a big one for me. I was terrified of making anyone I cared about angry, because growing up, I was not allowed to make my mother angry. As a child, this was something to fear- and in that context was a normal survival function. However, as an adult, my fear of anger drove all kinds of co-dependent behavior, and it was dysfunctional.

This is the staying board, and I get that you wish to stay with him, so taking that off the table, consider the fear part - the fear that he will leave you. Even though we are committed to our SO's, the honest truth is that, they always have this choice, and so do we. Yes, the thought of this is scary- to all of us- and we don't want this to happen. But if this fear of it is exaggerated, then it can lead us to dysfunctional behaviors. What if the fear- on its own - could be addressed and diminished.

This might be something you wish to go into with your T. For many of us, it is driven by childhood/FOO issues, even if you don't think your FOO had any issues. It may be due to another event or fear. Your H may be pulling these strings with you, but it is your string. That's good- because we can deal with our own stuff.