BPDFamily.com

So hello there. I am new here and Ireally need advice and help.(also I hope this is the right place to post this)

So last year I met my ex girlfriend and at first everything seemd fine, she used to get mad very often and wouldnt talk to me for a few dyas... but the worst started when we offcially were a couple about 10-11 months ago. She became abusive and would break up with me nearly every 1 to 2 weeks and I was so stupid that I would permit her to come back because I knew her condition.

So basically for these 11 months + the time i knew her earlier I always had to pay attention to what i said or was going to say because she would get mad soo easily. But the worse begun at in 2015 when our relationship started to be more stable and she wouldnt break up with me anymore or at least not that much as it used to be. But she started to lie, but lie so obviously that I just couldnt stand it. SHe used to go out to other "friends" of hers to drink and what else she started to make fun of me of any single thing I did bad or just say that "i am like this and i am like that" ( i dont really whant to quote her).

I gave her all my free time because i felt really bad for her if i didint, because of her condition and I was scared to make her feel any worse so I always stayed. At some point I began to see her less, because she lives pretty far away. So a month passed, 2 months, 3, 4, 5 and  one day when we were aruing about me or more she was doing it saying that i am not enough that I dont care about her and so on... so I just said" hey Ive had enough. I dont want to be with someone that I just cant even remember". Now please dont misunderstand me, I tried to ask her several time in those months if we could AT LEAST talk on skype and not just type but it was more than pointless because she would not listen or get mad and stuff.And so she said fine, she wanted me to break up with her, I asked if she was sure of it, and so I asked that a few times to just be sure. So 3 weeks ago we offcially broke up. But now she contacted me a few times and it was just a few word chat. I met someone that supports me and everything was going just fine... Till yesterday.

Because I have still school and also work, so sometimes i have to stay up till late night ( yeah also now that its Christmas break) and i was i guess online talking about a project on a group chat and... what happened? She texted me.

And what basically she said was that "she knows that I waited for that moment to happen", I was kinda confused so I asked what is going on and  she bagan to say that she wants revenge and she is going to put some kind of photos and screens about something we talked about or all the things she just said.And she said also a few other things today but I was so scared that my mind just went blank. I said a cople of things about how i feel, how she used to treat me ecc...

I suffer from depression and severe anxiety and when she texted me again today I just couldnt get over it for a couple of hours. I was shaking so badly that I couldnt hold a glass because it would slip from my hand and I tried to cope somehow.

And also I blocked any kind of account where she could put something.

I just need some advice and no, she never did anything like that before.

And again I am sorry if I made any mistake or repeated myself too much,but my mind is still kinda blank. Thank you

Hey Aura   welcome to bpdfamily.com  

There is no need to apologise... .it's important you find the right board to help you... .ambassadors and moderators are here to help you find the right place and they can easily move a post so you can chat with members in your situation... .

It sounds like you are having pretty severe physical stress responses when you hear from this person... .

Is it possible you can clarify a few points to help people here offer you advice?... .Do you have a new partner now?... .you mentioned someone in your life now who is supportive... .are you concerned your ex may threaten this relationship by posting things on social media?... .does your ex have a diagnosis of a mental health condition?... .do you have any intention of returning to your ex?... .

This is a safe place with lots of people who have experienced similar behaviour from partners... .it's good to have you on board  |iiii

kind regards... .Newton

Thank you so much for replying!

And to the questions... no, I dont have any new partner just some interest in someone but I havent told anyone

I mean this frend of mine is really supportive, she also knows something about life so we like to chat together but no, I am not afraid of that, is more like... I am scared to be judged, even tough we used to talk in an another language I worry that If she would post something even if anybody doesnt understand the language would maybe the next day bombard me with questions and I am someone who get anxius very quickly so It would be something pretty harsh for me

And yes, my ex was diagnosed with BPD I know that now she goes to some kind of group(?) to talk... .or something like that, she would never say mucha bout this

About returning to my ex, I had a few stages where I tought that I am not going to bear without her. But after we broke up for good and started to "live my own life again" it was just the tought of "no, i cant go back with her" even tough i really, but really like her and I do care about her... but I just cant I am so anxious with her

Thank you so much again Newton :D

Hi Aura,

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you're walking on eggshells with your ex.


You mentioned that she's going to post something and it could be in a different language. What do you think she'll post?

It helps us with giving you the right kind of advice with understanding what types of threats. Is she emotionally blackmailing you or is she harassing you?

Hello

I dont know If I mentioned it but basically some kind of photos of me ot our chats and what we were talking about today... thats what at least she said she would do.

And I am also scared that If I wont come back to her she will manage to do it somehow? Even tough I did put her now in a kind of situation were I said "if till the end of this year I wont see you then I wont come back to you"

I am just anxious now and I dont know even if Ill manage to sleep at all...

Thank you Mutt,

I have to say that is both emotional blackmailing but also harassing(about what I said earlier)

emotional blackmailing I guess when she says that she will cut herself, once she even showed that and also mentioned a few time that she self harmed because I "left her" when I was a couple of days at my grandmothers house...

If my ex had photos of me that I wasn't embarrassed about and she was threatening to put them up on the internet, she would really be embarrassing herself with how she is acting childish. This may be a tough question, were you sexting or are the photos sensitive?

You have a point there,

but if I have to be really honest, I guess she do have one photo where I was showing my t-shirt laying on my bed and you could se a bit of my breasts, but other than that no, I have never sexted with anybody

Basically i am really self-conscious, I've always had problems with my own imagine and I used to be really disgusted by the way I look. Thats basically one of the main causes why I have depression and anxiety (and also paranoia because I was so ashamed by the way I look, and scared that people were looking at me and judged, so I used to wear ,even, in the summer long sleeved t-shirts)

Aura I haven't yet heard many positives about this person.  Can you find some?... .

No one here will judge you for leaving/removing her from your life, we can help you with that if you want to... .Staying with someone who has BPD takes a great deal of emotional strength and may involve you making many personal sacrifices... .that isn't something I'm willing to do now which is why I mainly post on the 'undecided' or 'detaching' boards... .it's where I feel comfortable.

In order to manage BPD symptoms your ex will need to be commited to many years of therapy... .if you have your own issues to cope with (as I do) ... .do you have time and energy for her stuff?... .

To be honest I dont want to go back with her. I really dont.

But what I said to her, I just knew that she wont show herself anyways.

I have waited a few months, got a mountain of her promises that she will show herself, but nothing... the last time I saw her  was nearly 6-7 months ago

and again I have no intention of going back, I am just scared of what she may do...

Thank you for the reply :)

And about saying something good about her...

the only thing I may say is that acutually  In real life she is really nice person. we used to talk alot and laugh together... but thats the only thing 'nice' I can say.

She basically lied for everything... I dont even know why she did that if she already knew that i know that she was not being honest...

Yep... .I get what you are saying... .people with BPD have a very unstable sense of 'self'... .they will often say what they think/feel other people want to hear in order to gain acceptance.  This can change from minute to minute depending on who is listening... .

If her words do not match with her behaviour then that is your truth about her... .|iiii

So Mutt and I are concerned for you... .we have been here a while and regularly read what people with BPD are capable of when they act out... .now you have blocked her (sensible move)... .what is the worst you are worried she could do?... .how could she do this?... .

Thank you Newton :)

Geez haha I just found out a few minstakes( forgot to put the 'a' before really and wrote 'a lot' together, sorry for that)Its pretty late here and I just cant even think about going to sleep, as anxiety is still eating me,  also doing some work.A afriend is even tryingg to cheer me up ahaha

I am a little bit scared that she may text some friends of mine say something or post something somewhere or that she will harass me with that. I dont even know what should I reply to her when she will text me again, and when she will do that my anxiety will reach the 100lvl and start crying and shaking.

The point is... she knows exactly that I am going to be nervous and anxious when she will say those kind of things

Ah, if something I am going to be back in a couple of hours. Since Ill be all night up ill finish up the project :)

I understand. We can't control our ex partners but we can control ourselves. If my ex does X, I respond with Y. When you change your responses with her she'll eventually stop.

So, ok. I have to say that it was one of my worse night ever. I tried to sleep but the only thing ive got was nightmares, waking up and couldnt breathe.

So, can you give me some advice on how should i may reply to her if she wii again threaten me or harass me again?

Hey Aura... .:)

Why do you think/feel you need to reply at all?... .

I dont want to be that kind of person that would just run away. I do still care about her really much I just cant be with her any longer if she behaves that way.

And an update. She did nothing really. It just shows how much she cared abbout me. Basically nothing.

Thank you newton :)

I was taught by very skillfull/dangerous martial artists that good kung fu sometimes means running away... |iiii

This is also called 'looking after ourselves'... .

Aura, is that something you perhaps struggle with?... .

So regardless of how she acts (or doesn't) now... .it seems her past behaviour is causing stressful thoughts, feelings, reactions in you. 

Do you think her behaviour around you can change... consistently?... .

How are you hoping things could look with her in the future... .best case scenario?... .

I am sorry i havent been quite active,

but once her behaviour changed she just started to lie more and i guess i was justa  toy from her. I told her how i felt and ecc... but even now, i did text her have a good new year she was like three dots and that was all. Yesterday she texted me, and asked how i am and told me she got a gf, and i swear, I couldnt care less about that