BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I married my wonderful,loving husband 6 months ago yesterday after a short period of dating. I always knew he had issues with anxiety, but after getting married, moving across the country together (and away from my support network), there was an extreme series of outburst, which he indicates were triggered by the move, the changes, etc. Turns out he hid (through omissions, not lies) a previous diagnosis and episode of severe depression, because he thought he had worked through his issues. I watched him become over these last few weeks a confused, angry person.  After several violent blowups, and my threat to leave, he finally revealed his past, begged me not to leave, began seeing a psychiatrist, and is medicating regularly. I'm so proud of him. But, there are still really bad days, triggered by my slightest imperfection, in which the most hateful things are slurred at me. I'm a pretty confident person, but it's difficult to sit and take insults while being followed around the house (or by text if I'm at work) until he's done spiraling. I've begun to read "I hate you, don't leave me", so I'm starting to see the patterns, but I'm struggling to come up with a way to shorten the outbursts (I'm tired of leaving the house or just sitting and taking the emotional abuse. I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on how I cope with that? It seems no matter what I say (or don't say) I'm still going to get called names and yelled at until he's through this setback. They are less and less but still hurtful.

Welcome! I'm sorry for your troubles and wish you the best of luck.

As many others on this forum will tell you there are some useful lessons to be read through on validating and from my point of view, boundary setting. I had the absue while I was at work too... .but quickly marked that our as a boundary. They may want to attack you when they are alone and you are away from them, but affecting your source of income is serious. If that isn't a clear boundary it can be a problem. I think you have to have a think about:

- What you can do to stop the spiralling (always tricky; validation doesn't always have the desired affect, requires practise and is entirely different for each person)

- Where the boundaries for you are

- What you will do if boundaries are broken

- Always have a exit strategy to get away if needed

- Who can he rely on other that you to discuss things with (obviously his psychiatrist is one)?

- Who can you rely on to discuss things with?

I personally have kept my family out of it. I don't want them having that impression of my partner... .we can forgive, sometimes families don't. Especially if they aren't very understanding of mental illness. But I have close friends and friends of hers I talk with. They give her alternate outlets for rationalising her emotions.

This is much easier said than done, but you have to remember some of the hate thrown at you isn't necessarily to do with you at all. It's about emotional immaturity leading to dysregulation. If depression from moving has caused this and he has overcome depression before, at least you can have hope he knows what to do and is well aware of the need to take care of his own mental health. That can be a huge struggle, so I'm happy for you and him that he is addressing that problem immediately. Keep battling and always take care of yourself first in this situation. You can't be strong and fight if you are crushed under the weight of this illness.

All the best :)