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Would appreciate any comments please: I've just returned from a walk with a male friend, who is newly arrived to the town. I'm feeling shaky.

We met chief flirt and narcissistic supplier to my ex, with her husband. She flirted with friend, directed all her conversation at him, invited him to a game of tennis with her. Her husband looked on.

Feel really shaky. Don't want a re-run, she is the type of woman who makes every man her target. Frothy and girlish, although she's in her sixties. It felt like a personal thing, targeting my friend because he is male and was walking with me.

I don't know my friend that well, as sure as I can be at this early stage that he's not BPD or NPD, but it's left me feeling shaken. She was so overt. ExBPD adores her.

I was feeling so good with NC for three months, meeting her brought the past right back in my face... .

Hey Troisette,

I know you are not feeling good - we just shared our opinions about these narc. females yesterday. Maybe this triggered old wounds and future fears. Yet, relax. You can go through this. They are powerful only as much as we give them power. She can do what she can do only because she believes you are a graceful person who poses no threat. They equate goodness with weakness. Change that perception and you have the advantage. Lots of things can be done. Just relax.

What exactly makes you uncomfortable (what do you think she could do?)

How did your friend react to her?

And sorry for posting twice:

My personal balance point: The exBPD adored her because he is needy, craves attention and this woman is a source of that. I don't like men like that, I don't find them attractive. If the new friend starts liking that person a lot (beyond ordinary politeness and maybe a bit of positivity, just a bit) I'm lucky to see that red flag. If he need guy likes to be the centre of attention like that no matter who he is with (these are extreme behaviours) and sees nothing wrong with that, then the new guy is not as confident as he seems. Good hint actually.

Thanks thisworld, your comments much appreciated. Yes, it is bringing up old stuff. Thing is, women see her differently from men, most women see her as I do (apart from the other narcs in that group), men seem to be taken in by her. She's very girlish.

Not sure about friend's response. He was polite and pleased to have a prospective tennis partner. Not sure if he will take up the offer.

I'm being very wary, he's an actor, although seems very self-effacing. Not the usual type of performer - I think  So I don't want to make any value judgements until I get to know him better.

I have to admit to jealousy here. She appears to have few boundaries around men, needing to be the centre of attention. I think she saw my strength when I was with ex and saw it as a challenge.

You're right, I need to watch, wait and listen. If friend is taken by her flirtiness, it will tell me much about him, although she is an expert. She is likely to want to pursue the connection as she is trying for a career as a lookalike for a famous actress. (Although he did say he didn't see much similarity... .)

Maybe the meeting may be seen as an opportunity for me in the long run? A red flag, or not a a red flag?

Your comments are valued because I know you've had experience of this. 

How old is your friend, and are you considerably younger than both? Do you play tennis yourself, were you invited?

Thanks thisworld,

I don't play tennis, she lives on a square that has a tennis court - he mentioned that he wants to play,she offered. With lots of details of her new racquet and tennis shoes that were Christmas gifts. As she'd just been introduced. I found it a bit off. 

I'm the youngest, mid sixties, they are both late sixties.

She has an estranged daughter-in-law, and a middle aged daughter who has never been able to form long-term relationships. I think this may be because she has always wanted to be female centre of attention and one of those mothers who don't gracefully slide into the background as their daughters become young women.

She seems to see me as a challenge. And although I'm considered a sophisticated and good looking woman, I have no idea how to handle her without seeming a b****. Past attempts to rise above failed, she has few social boundaries when men are around.  I don't like to generalise but she does have indicators of narcissism, I don't know her intimately enough to be able to really say so.

Any suggestions about how to handle her would be gratefully received. I'm giving away my power, I know, but am perplexed as to how to retrieve it. She was so overwhelming today. It seems very spiteful of her to zero in on him, full power. I only saw her do that, at such wattage, with ex. She's always a flirt, but amped up with the two men around me... .

The only good I can draw from it is that it gives me good opportunity to see what transpires with him viz his responses to her.  |iiii

Congratulations to her on her racket and new shoes. Aren't they the most special shoe laces ever -whereas I bet yours, Troisette, are just plain boring- and she should stop acting like velcro

Realistically, and you know this because you are saying you are giving away your power, she is 1 point ahead. If my suspicion is correct, she may have run into you and approached you because she knows you? If this is correct, I also believe that you may have contributed to your demise through your own politeness, respect for social conventions etc as you allowed her all that space automatically treating her as if she is a friend to you. They just invade some space and then expand. If something similar happened, these things are what I would do nowadays. If I'm the point of contact between these people, I do not hesitate taking the leading role (and learn not feel guilty about it).

I know we avoid being rude, we are afraid of appearing insecure etc. But there is a variety of behaviours we can use (but perhaps we somehow have not developed these, they certainly did not come to me automatically). I think I'm an assertive person when it comes to intelligence etc, but very passive in these situations usually. 

But here is what I do sometimes and it works:

Say, you run into them on the road. I do not put up a friend face, I put up an acquaintance face, that body language. Imagine she was a talkative and bland landlady. Nothing more than that. I allow them to introduce themselves but take the lead of conversation, if I can't start nodding, move in my space slowly and give body language signals to whomever is with me hoping that they'll understand that it's time to go. I even look at my friend's face. You can always interrupt silently with a friendly look on your face but slightly directed at your friend. He is with you. If he has any interest in you, he should prioritize you. If he doesn't, that's a red flag anyway. This is the early phase of a friendship, he should be on his best behaviour. Then once you get away safely, you can say politely, in a neutral friendly fashion that they are X,Y,Z people who are very good friends with your previous boyfriend. Basically, she is finished  :) X,Y,Z is not adjectives, it's about their jobs, hobbies etc. The new friend, if he is interested in you and has a healthy mind, will not go near your ex's good friends. If he does, red flag.

If you are sitting somewhere and they come and join, that needs to be stopped with a nod, raising eyebrows. How would you prevent your landlady from sitting with you? Exactly like that. I used to feel guilty. No need. It's not rude. It's just reality. She obviously is not your friend.

At worst, she will tell your ex that you were very cold to her but who cares. You are cold to the guy as well:)) Don't try to be good in their eyes. That's beyond their existential capacity.

If they invite you join, you can decline.

If you are in a circle of friends, move somewhere else to other friends.

This isn't b... .* behaviour. This is polite, indifferent behaviour. She should be thankful for the politeness part.

One thing they may resort to is minimizing us. They somehow try to pass this message: "Oh, darling what have I done to you?" The answer is simply nothing. We should come to the inner point of confidence in ourselves that they cannot get to us. There is a wall of comfortable confidence around us, it's protecting us. Whatever they do, we are not there. We are detached, they are screaming like little children but it's not reaching us. You can even respond with a loving look to these children. Don't forget though. They are not your children. If they increase the attack, give them a blank or surprised, inquisitive look - "Oh, sorry, did I do something wrong to you?" This turns the tables down. :)

Personally, I think I will always feel insecure or uncomfortable instinctively around these women. No matter how much I heal, this may stay with me. This isn't about the boyfriend. This is about me. Owning and accepting it helps me - at least I now have cognitive power around this. I feel they have something I don't have. They seem very relaxed, I'm more stiff with people until I get more comfortable. They flirt with their bodies, I flirt with my intelligence. Men seem to be relaxed around them, I sometimes scare men. Well, insecure men. I'm not looking for the type of man that finds that attractive. It's a good test. Also, I try to remember my advantages as a person. If I feel jealous, there is a rule: If there is one thing, one thing about me that I like and think she doesn't have, jealousy is not allowed. I apply this like a rule. I remember my good things and relax in my own body. You can practice this when you are tense at home. Learn to remember good things about yourself and relax in your own body.

I'm of the opinion that we are the real targets of these narc women. It's a silent competition between females and men like being so unaware of it always:)) I wouldn't be the one bringing this up until I'm very close with a man. I think these women enjoy competing with us more than they actually enjoy company of our friends:)) She probably feels very insecure near you but you can't see this because you are worried about her power over you. That power is imaginary. It's in your imagination and perhaps a conditioning of previous triangles, too. (Well, the men who created them were insecure and unworthy.)

A narc can only get through to you if you have holes in your shield. Your insecurities can become your power. They are telling you something about yourself. If you can accept those things and stop seeing them as weaknesses they cannot do anything. It's just difference. Difference is good. We all have different things to offer to the world. We should be adamant and just accept people who really really really appreciate who we are. Let the rest talk about shoelaces and racquets. The question should not be "Will I lose my friend to her?" It should be "how much would I really appreciate someone who falls for this woman?"

If there really is competition, if you wan't to join in, I wouldn't compete when she chooses to  or when she is around. I would genuinely try to strengthen my own bonds with the person.

This is my polite "back-off" strategy with narcs. Other things are possible:))

Also, please do not carry your NC like a secret. Disclosure is stressful sometimes. You don't need to disclose anything to anyone before you are ready. But there is nothing with not wanting to socialize with your ex's good friends (actually, supplies and confidantes/confidants). Do not get into their triangles. I would drop the hint about who they are to my friend and then let all of them socialize as much as they like. I'd just carry on with my own relationship with the friends, and soon you'll see who is on whose side etc very clearly anyway. If it comes to worst, your ex and this friend will be having dinner at this couple's house and how attractive is that to you anyway. Bon appetite to them:))

Thanks thisworld. Everything you say makes  sense to me. I will be reading your words several times, to absorb fully and activate.

"I'm of the opinion that we are the real targets of these narc women." Very true.

She and ex ruined my last NYE by monopolising each other and exhibition dancing. Such bad timing to run into her today.

I am going to a drinks party on Wednesday, alone. She may be there, as may ex. (Can't ask to see the list of invitees... .:)).

I will be prepared but wish so much that I didn't have to be. It's mentally exhausting. It's a small town with various overlapping social circles. Roll on 2016 and the end of the party season... .

I take your point about NC and not keeping quiet about it; I don't want to appear paranoid to friend and think I may sound it if I mention it at this stage. He's a new arrival and unaware of how the the chattering creatives behave in order to maintain their positions in the social pecking order. Sometimes red in tooth and claw!

Thanks again. And good luck with your situation.