BPDFamily.com

i living down the road from my mother, who has traits (as have i and do i) of possible BPD (etc).

my urgent question asked in hope of advice is this:

my home is a bare hovel and i've broken four phones. recently i have started to make a positive stance on self-care after teeth problems and weight-gain related problems made me want to care for self better.

went Non contact about five times (incredibly) over last year or so; each time was maximum three months, once it was a bit more, can't remember.  anyway during Non C i feel basically so much better although much upset/sad/grief etc too, ;  the thing is recently i went Non C and as usual i got a lot of viists from my mother and the thing is THESE VISITS FRIGHTEN ME PHYSICALLY VERY MUCH.  i'm on teneterhooks til she visits, etc.  (seh raps door knocker like a policement would, and throws stones at window amazingly hard); my mum can be nice, but lately she's been intense and 'dark' toward me, invoking my physical fear feeling.  however, i had this powerful realisation, IA AM A SITTING DUCK AT MY NEARBY FLAT AND THAT IS WORSE THAN VISITNG HER EVERY DAY NEARLY AND DAILY TEXT CONTACT FROM HER ETC. i need a person to stand between us somehow and have started asking around poeple to see if i can stay with them; at 53 i realsied how desperate i'm feeling to do this.  )  has anyone else tried literally MOVING AWAY FROM KNOWN ADDRESS OR STAYING WITH FRIEND because i know i can house swap on a social accom site but the thing is that will take at least a year adn i am daily just living in extreme tension.  my mother is genuinely depressed but uses this to create chaos misery tension adn drama to avoid me ever looking nice whenever any sort of a social life appears on my horizen. even a visit from a phone engineer etc. she knows all in my life due to the impossibility to keep secrets when you're living near and and losing the ability to create boudnaryes adn thinkn clearly whilst keepign things normal.  soemtimes my religion helps me. then i revert back to hating that.  can anyone advise? sitting in her front room most of teh time, wiht attendant increasing depression (mine) is less scary (and not all bad, i love her even if seh dowsn't love me, and seh is always there never turns me away, ) than sitting in my flat knowing that she knows this is Non contact and will violate that boundary at any moment.  (she is compulsive wtih tinges of violence about breaking non contact); i was also wondering about sheltered type accom, it st the waiting. 

Hi cobwefaery,

You definitely sound traumatized by her behaviors, and also the anticipation thereof. Do you have the means to reach out to some type of social services for support? Throwing rocks at your windows sounds threatening. A local domestic violence resource may help. If you're not explicitely physically threatened, it sure sound like you're being intimidated. You do mention "tinges of violence." In what other ways has she exhibited violence?

Hi cobwebfaery

I am sorry your mother's behavior has affected you so. It is positive though that you are now expressing the desire for better self-care. Your own wants and needs definitely do matter.

You went NC with your mother several times this year. How did these periods of NC end? Did you re-establish contact out of fear for what your mother might do?


Your mother's behavior is aimed at intimidating and very unpleasant and abusive. Is the throwing of stones something new she does or did she also do this during those other periods of NC?

You hint at your mother's violent tendencies. Has she in the past been physically violent towards you and/or other people? Did she physically abuse (or threaten to physically abuse) you when you were a child?

I hope you are feeling somewhat better today. This is a unpleasant situation and the fact that you live so close to her complicates things even more.

Take care