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Hello.   I think I have an undiagnosed NPD ex wife.

She is extremely intelligent and her false self narratives are simple and well selected.    No hot/cold every other day.

She ran hot and burned bright for many years.   Halfway through witch we got married.

Then we had a child together.   The narrative changed and painted me black.   I lived with darkness, hostility, and can't do anything right for many months before she filed (now I know you only understand this sentence if you've experienced it).

I had no understanding of what was going on.   My parenting plans were always adopted and I ended up with primary custody.

As soon as the flip between her being primary and me being primary happened, she became Marry Poppins, Prozac happy.    (words I used before discovering the all on all off separation thing)    I have no idea whether this is a superficial façade, or a "genuine" new narrative/false self.

So, I'm coparenting with an NPD who is happy friendly.    I feel like I'm in the same dammed if I do, dammed if I don't situation I was in during the nightmare.    If I reciprocate, I'm feeding the beast.   If I go NC, I'm the bad guy.

I'm half way through life.  I have a wonderful daughter.   The only adversity I've ever faced is the dark period of my ex.  In that I have primary custody, pretty much prevailed on that adversity.

Every book seems to think "both parents" are more important than any damage that could occur from a functioning (high functioning in this case) but disordered parent.    I'm not an expert in these fields.   So my initial thought is to defer to the experts, the second thought is even if I differed with the experts, I would probably have to accept the conclusion as a matter of fact because this seems to be the current school of thought.

At this point whatever the ex's narrative (again this is why I think NPD) is, that narrative is steering the situation toward either accepting divorce with me as primary or getting us back together.   There is a long history in her family of separation and reunification.   I know she has been seeing a councilor, but don't know if she is on any medication.

Something is going to happen "NEXT".   Just trying to figure out what.

LOL.  I actually said a "genuine", "false" in there.    Echoes of total fail.

Hi iron pigeon,

How long have you been separated?

Is the parenting plan something the two of you worked out in mediation, or is it court-ordered?

Did she or the court initiate the flip to you being the primary parent?  On what basis?

At what stage of the divorce are you?

Frankly, she could flip again on almost any pretext or trigger.  However, do not ever relinquish being Primary parent.  You're so very fortunate to be Primary, don't Gift it away!  Your child needs you more than you think!

It took me nearly six years to get custody and another two to get majority time, I was obstructed that much.  Many here would give all their teeth, not just eye teeth, to obtain the shortcut you currently have.  Not that I'd like to be toothless, but you get my point.

A court appointed guardian recommended me as primary.  The next day she went 180 degrees from being dark and cold to happy friendly. 

Frankly, I am not completely sure what I'm seeing.   

It could be an act to make her look good because the wording in the recommendation made it clear that her past behavior looked real bad.   In that case she's still painting me black and is documenting every interaction and is in evidence gathering mode.

She could be painting me white in my new role.   

She could be painting me white with a reunification narrative.   


She fought getting the temporary orders changed, but failed.  I became primary on the temporary orders with more time.    After that she settled.   It's all done and finalized months ago.

Frankly, she could flip again on almost any pretext or trigger.  [/quote]
I see mini-flips now and then.   Any time we don't agree.   I see the fire in her eyes.   I feel the fear and anxiety that built up in an environment of hostility and uncertainty for a year.   It feels like we're both having an emotional flashback.   

Or these are momentary failures of a superficial façade.   


I went through the whole thing without understanding any of the Cluster B concepts.   

When I saw the lengths she was willing to go to in order to control and limit my time with my daughter, I knew I had to have primary.

Fortunately, I had at least made the connection that her present behavior had to do with abuse in her childhood.   So, I knew as long as she was in this mode she would find something wrong or bad with anything and everything I did.   So, even if I won more time and less control now, she would eventually come back for more control and less time.

I looked at it with this this way.    If I'm not at the rudder of this ship, if instead I'm just on deck trying to hang on for dear life, each time we end up back in court, I'm going to have to somehow try to find a way to re-explain a very difficult to explain and understand situation.

That would be a loosing battle.   She is very intelligent and would refine her approach each time.   The only way to secure any kind of future was to get primary so that I don't have to start from square one.   Being made primary for the specific reasons I was, gives those reasons immediate credibility.   When she accuses me of whatever, I can just say, "Yes, I know, this is expected.  That's why they made me primary."   



I understand.  I have been reading a lot of stories and I don't see many like mine.

More than a year.

Everything went through the courts till I won primary on a change in the temporary orders.   After that she settled.   I'm not sure if it was here idea or her lawyer's, but her lawyer wanted to get together, both lawyers and both of us and the 4 of us negotiate.   She agreed to a plan with me as primary and the same percentage of time as on the temporary orders.