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I can't believe this roller coaster of emotions. I know I'm way better off without him. He was a cheating, lying using and abusive man. His core character is full of anger, rage, entitlement, and insecurities. I would feel bad if he was so vindictive and cruel. He knows what he is doing and he doesn't want to acknowledge it. As many of them do on many levels. Why am I still wondering what is going on in his life. And if he is spinning out of control still? I know how is was for us for 20 months together. Rarely calm. Always seeking new adventures and spending money or fighting and tantrums. . Nothing was ever just pleasant . These play over and over in my heard. The good times, the bad times, His rages and really cruel words, His cheating and having another girl friend at least 2 during my time with him. Who knows how many others he was dating. It helps me to remember the stories on here and read those books on BPD. It helps me feel like it wasn't me and these issues are his and his alone, and they will follow him his whole life. If I didn't know about BPD I think I would of just fell completely apart. Knowing all he did to me. But it is not hard to see that there had to be some type of mental illness going on. "Normal" healthy people do not do these things to each other. It is such a Violent Violation that each of us felt at the hands of someone we probably Trusted the most in our life. The level of deep intimacy they strive for with you makes you feel so safe with them. I don't  care what anyone says... .I believe they are smart and know what they are doing when they do that. They see what worked in the past for them and their prior relationships and they implement it. That is why my ex took his other Gf to all our fun spots and favorite places to go. They rely on what worked for them before. IT is all a game to them. And when they cry for you back. They are really crying for themselves. They don't want to feel alone, or lose the comfort they had by you being there for them. But it is strictly about them and their loss not you and your pain. I learned that right away . They can hardly process their own pain and they don't do it in healthy ways. They usually act out. They definitely do not have the capacity to feel our pain, or look at what they did to us. It would cause too much Shame that they couldn't push off on you. So knowing that I'm here grieving this jerk off he is not grieving me. He is moving on. He probably has moments he misses things about me and what we did or whatever. But again for himself not for me. These are all characteristics of a very unhealthy underdeveloped emotionally immature person. It helps me to remember that when I get sad, upset, and feel all the hurts that he caused. He can't own it he is not strong enough. We have to gain our own peace and insight and make our own closure by facing these facts. This is what is helping me move forward when i hit a road block with thoughts of him. I thought I would share it

I totally agree with you. I also belive that they KNOW Exactley what they are doing to us. I myself wish I knew about this disorder with my ex.  Instead of listening to her lies an outright BS. Now I have come to realize everything she said most likely was a lie. It's all about them and seeing who they can conquer. My ex would say she wanted to go camping and rent a villa etc. . Well I found out after she dumped me this was Exactley what her ex boyfriend did with  her. So I agree with you 100% in what you have said. I just wish my ex would come back just so I could turn her down. Sounds childish but that would make me feel a hell of a lot better.

I agree with you 100%! And I wish there was a way to see what chaos is in their lives. I know totally immature but part of me wants to see him suffer a little of what I went through.

Learning what it was, was my stepping stone to breaking free. I finally understood the sociopathic nature of the disorder and what I was living with. Their chaos prevents them from having the ability to sympathize or empathize with others. And that's important to understand.

No your not immature at all. You gave your heart 100% just like I did and they took it and crushed it... .Right in front of your eyes. No remorse nothing. So yeah I'm on the band wagon with you. I would love to hear some Karma news right now about my ex. That to me would be a very awesome Christmas present!