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I'm from the undecided and coping boards however I also have a disordered ex.

Christmas I got a hundred dollar bill from my ex.

Two weeks ago he tried to write me then my daughter a check for groceries.

I've told him before that if I accept money directly from him child support might close my case.

I reminded him of this the day after Christmas.

What amazes me is that on Christmas I fell for it but when I checked my bank account balance and saw that I hadn't received the full payment for the month I came to.

My ex owes me tens of thousands in back child support.

I told him when he tried to write me a check that he needed to send it to child support so he could get credit on his back payment.

He doesn't care about this.

He refuses to give me his mailing address because he doesn't want me reporting it to child support.

Without confirming you have received cash, can you call the CS enforcement agency and find out what to do when cash is sent you or your children, what to do with it or how to properly handle it?

I agree, I was warned by my CSEA that if I paid my ex outside their handling process then it would be considered a "gift" and not whatever CS obligation I had.

However, accepting $$$ from the ex shouldn't end your pending case, I would think.  Can you confirm whether that would sabotage your case?

You've warned the ex that cash bypassing CS doesn't halt, cancel or lower his obligations.  Once you confirm that with the agency and determine from them whether there are any gotchas or surprise exceptions, then let the financial stumbling on his part be His Problem.  You shouldn't - and don't - have to protect him from himself.

Oh, and don't sign anything that would state the extra money is anything but a GIFT.  On second thought and on the safe side, don't sign anything anyway about money.

Hmm, would that really happen?  If you think so, please confirm with the CS agency exactly what factors are involved that might even remotely disadvantage you.  You of course don't want any pending actions halted just from a clueless mistake on your part.

Wouldn't the above explanation to the ex, if it was worded that way to him, make him want to try really hard to throw money your way outside the framework of CS?  Remember, they love delays so he might think this could derail the train for a while.  Instead, go ahead and hit him in his wallet, "If you give/gift me or our child any money, it won't reduce your CS obligations by even a penny."

That said, it is a time of year when even disordered people, some of them anyway, can do something nice, even despite an overall pattern otherwise.  I can imagine that if I were messed up I'd try to avoid facing huge debts and prefer to send a token gift.  Without knowing your agency's money handling rules, I can't say how you should view it either way.

 he doesn't want to pay off his debt apparently .

He already had multiple charges of contempt of court.


He tried to give me money before Christmas too.