BPDFamily.com

This ST and withdrawing thing really, really, really sucks and hurts so much.

Due to a past of being abused it puts me in an emotional roller coaster. I have been with people who found that weakness and came to exploit it against me, twisting me into a monster I never knew I was capable of becoming. I never want to give someone that much power over me ever again, and though I no longer react explosively and with anger as I have in the past when that particular trigger is used, I do still feel those things inside me, and extreme pain. I have become extremely self aware because I really want to be an amazing person. I want to look back at my life and feel like I really worked hard on myself to be someone stable and good. I hear people say to me that I am a good person, but I want to really see and feel that, not just believe some words, you know?

I have tried to view when this ST and withdraw happens as an opportunity for positive change inside myself. I try to use these times to train myself to not give into the emotional responses and to keep calm and collected. I'm doing really well. I mean really well. In my head I want to say, "BEEP BEEP YOU BEEP BEEPPPPPP" but instead I say, "I love you." So basically this is to the point that I don't even recognize this is me cause I'm doing that damn good. (*hugs myself*) If they were handing out medals for "Most improvement in dealing with her emotional $**t" or "Best reaction of kindness to a silent treatment and ignore fest when she wants to scream/cry/lose her mind"... .I'd be gettin' it! Haha.

But man, this hurts... .a lot

So here is the rant in my head today that made me laugh (likely to keep me from crying)

I am getting ST and dealing with this withdraw due to the actions of another person that I did not do. I have been sitting on pins and needles waiting to get dumped because of the emotional overwhelm that he is going through right now. I'm essentially being ill treated because someone else is a swine and worried I'm going to lose the person I love over it. In turn I now am being rejected like crazy. It makes you feel insecure, like you're being abandoned and mean nothing. So in turn, they are abandoning you because they think you're going to abandon them when you had no intention on it until they left you abandoned. HAHAHA... .MY GAWD. MADNESS. It is like two dogs chasing their own tails into oblivion.