BPDFamily.com

My 27 year old daughter shows signs of BPD, though her stormy relationships are limited to my husband and me.  I'm not really sure what she is struggling with but something is very wrong.  She struggled with anorexia in her teens and early twenties.  She did not want to stay in treatment and thinks she is 'cured' but is still quite thin.  She is a perfectionist and very controlling of us.  She seems all sweetness and light, but every few weeks she has an incident when she is angry and spirals to the darkest place.  She is almost unreachable then.  Not capable of logical thinking.  Talks about wanting to die.  I have told her many times I will bring her to a hospital if she says this, but she seems to do it when going to a hospital is unlikely ( in airport in different city).  When we try to talk with her about what happened later, she seems to not be aware of how extreme her behavior was.  She sees a therapist, once every two weeks but I doubt therapist has any idea of these incidents.  I wish I knew what I was dealing with!  Have considered writing her therapist, but have doubts.  Feel very alone with this!

Hello - First of all - Welcome!  You are NOT alone!  It's tough being in the role of parent when the adult child is... .an adult.  Clearly, though, you are her most important and influential advocate. I would absolutely contact her therapist, if you know who that is.  If your daughter has not signed any consent for you to discuss her matters with this therapist, you can still give your full account ( anything you want the therapist to know) - at least the alarming info will get communicated.  And, you can kind of "feel out" by listening to what approach is being used with her - generally speaking. IS the therapist trained in and using DBT?  If not - she needs someone like that in her life.  A group and an individual therapist who will use DBT and hold her accountable to acting on those skills is ideal.  As for the suicide threats - a very real discussion about the intensity of those thoughts is important - how active is she in those thoughts - are they just thoughts or is she planning more?   Definitely read When Hope is not Enough. Highly recommend for the parents to help better understand how to deal with their BPD child.   And, if you google DBT Path - they do an online course in DBT.  Haven't done this but it looks good for those who don't have DBT therapy nearby.

Hope you continue to reach out to this group  - wishing you and your daughter all the best!