BPDFamily.com

Hi all.Its been a while since I first joined this group .We have been on a roller coaster this last while with our 20 year old daughter who has BPD.I have to say I'm confused to say the least.all I've read on this disorder it is classed as a mental illness or maybe I picked that up wrong.My daughters behaviour is so unpredictable .She can have non epileptic seizures,hallucinations,severe anger at others and herself.She can be suicidal,manipulative,tells lies self harming as in cutting herself.Her psychiatrist says that she is in control and she is the one making the wrong choices but if she is mentally unwell how can this be so.My whole family feels she is a spoilt brat and that she is doing all this for attention or to get what she wants.My husband is at his wits end as I am and very close to throwing her out of our home .I can't help thinking she is unwell and needs our support.If anything happened her I would be devastated although I have tried to prepare myself for the worst.Please help.Sometimes I feel so alone and as we live in a small community in Ireland there is no support available.

Hi Chilli,

BPD is definitely a mental disorder and it sounds like for your daughter, her case may be getting worse? I'm so sorry you're on a roller coaster and glad you found the site for support.

Even though your daughter is 20, I wonder if Blaise Aguirre's book on BPD and Adolescence might help? He does a good job explaining what the cutting and self harm is about, and even addresses the lack of insight that other psychiatrists may have about the disorder.

One of the communication skills that made an immediate difference for me was validation. It doesn't cure the illness, but it does help to create a more validating environment for people with BPD who feel very invalidated.

A psychiatrist who was not empathetic toward my child would raise suspicions for me. My son's psychiatrist has a lot of empathy for S14 and has given me some insights that have had profound and positive consequences. That doesn't mean that there are no boundaries, and there are consequences for bad behavior, as well as empathy, validation, and a lot of consistency and structure.

Is your daughter's condition becoming worse? What are some of the behaviors you're struggling with?

Hi I hope I am writing a reply in right box.Thanks for getting back to me.I'll list a few behaviours I find difficult.Could be here for a while. My daughter has been told to stay away from alcohol but every time she goes out I get a phone call at 4 or 5 am saying she is acting crazy,has collapsed and having seizures or that the police have been called as she has punched someone.We have tried to advise her not to drink but she continues to do so and then I have to pick up the pieces.Her behaviour would be classed as very risky,going off with boys she doesn't know etc .It's one boy after another .She is longing for a relationship.

Another would be her anger outbursts at home.I have 2 much younger children and often wonder how this will effect them.Is she doesn't get what she wants she will even go as far as threaten to hurt herself if we don't allow it.An example would be having a boy we have never met over to stay the night in our home.Tried to explain that we couldn't allow this as we didn't know him at all.She then went on to say that if I didn't allow it she would go on a mad session and I'd never see her again.I stood my ground and said we couldn't allow it and she has gone off with this boy and ruined our whole christmas.She now says they are moving in together.

I also recommend that book - I haven't read it myself but I have read a lot about the intensity of BPD in adolescence as that is what we went through and I was completely traumatised by my dd's teenage years. She wasn't diagnosed until last year but I believe her illness started at 12. So much of her behaviour was out of control - rage, violence, impulsivity, drinking & drugs, absconding, school refusal, petty crimes, stealing from our family. Which it sounds like where your daughter is.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid. In the end we said our dd couldn't live with us anymore. It reduced a lot of the daily stresses but she is still very chaotic and in difficulty and I am often in a lot of emotional turmoil because of where she is.

Thank you Donnab for your advice.Yea id say my daughter started around that age too.Wee had a bad time through the school years also.It's such a devastating illness for everybody involved.We have tried so much apart from DBT which is not available here as yet.I'll get that book.Take care.author=donnablink=topic=288245.msg12714800#msg12714800 date=1451638917]I also recommend that book - I haven't read it myself but I have read a lot about the intensity of BPD in adolescence as that is what we went through and I was completely traumatised by my dd's teenage years. She wasn't diagnosed until last year but I believe her illness started at 12. So much of her behaviour was out of control - rage, violence, impulsivity, drinking & drugs, absconding, school refusal, petty crimes, stealing from our family. Which it sounds like where your daughter is.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid. In the end we said our dd couldn't live with us anymore. It reduced a lot of the daily stresses but she is still very chaotic and in difficulty and I am often in a lot of emotional turmoil because of where she is.[/quote]

Chilli, my heart goes out to you.  I too have an adult child with alcoholism and uBPD.  It started when he was 15 and has been a never-ending source of pain and frustration.  As a 41 yr old adult, he attempted suicide in April, 2014, by driving 90 mph into a brick wall while being chased by the police.  It is a miracle he was not killed and I attribute that to the fact he was in a Ford F150 instead of a car.  The engine was pushed into the passenger compartment and destroyed his right shoulder, upper arm, and both feet.  All of which needed to be reconstructed. He also suffered a traumatic brain injury.  He has spent most of the past 21 months in the hospital and jail for DUI after being sober for 10 years.  He has had 2 major surgeries on his shoulder, 4 on his arm, and 4 on his feet.  He is unable to stand and walk for more than 30 min at a time. He is full of metal plates, rods, and screws. Physically, he will never be normal.  His mental status has also deteriorated, something he vehemently denies.  He remains in constant pain and filled with rage and hate.  He just wanted to die and failed.  Somehow that is my fault.

This happened in another city about 100 miles from where we live.  He was to stay there for on-going medical treatment combined with probation and mental health evaluation and treatment.  However, this did not happen.  I was told he would NOT be returning home.  I explained to everyone involved that this would be in his best interest because of the stress created by being in our city and near family. I was visiting a friend in CT when my daughter called to say he was sitting on my back steps wanting to know where I was.  I had written a letter to him telling him I would be away, but he says no one ever gave it to him.  The home he lived in here, is occupied by another family member now... .so he is homeless.  Staying with me has been hell.  He hates me and always has.  I have destroyed his life, according to him.  EVERYTHING is my fault.  I planned it all ... .

He has been horrible while here.  We tried to find other housing but were unable to do so.  He was put on a bus and sent home 2 weeks after multiple surgeries during which he became septic and almost died.  While his health is somewhat stabilized now (5 months later), he has been denied disability once, and we are appealing that decision.  

My life has become hell.  I just want him to be independent and able to live on his own.  His daily verbal abuse and mood swings have become intolerable.

Believe me, I understand your angst and all of your feelings as they relate to your adult daughter.  I will pray for you and hope you are able to survive this new onslaught of emotions.  All I can say is hang in there or ask your daughter to leave. Yes, we are doing our best in the face very difficult decisions.  It is all we can do.

Hi Mammalian. Thank you for your advice.My God its true what they say no matter how bad things are there is always someone worse off snd you sure are.It must be soul destroying for you.Recently we have had yet another crisis with our daughter and I was at my wits end.I told her she would have to move out.She begged me to give her yet another chance so we have now agreed on some boundaries and we will see if that helps.If not she will have to go.It's so hard to protect someone from their own behaviour when they don't seem to care what happens to them.Very difficult but we will try and keep strong and support each other.Chat again soon.