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Title: responding/inquiring in casual conversation--ideas? Post by: whitebackatcha on December 30, 2015, 06:28:14 PM My pwBPD gets frustrated if I don't immediately know her thoughts on something she has shared, like an article. She also can get irritated if I ask her about her thoughts or feelings on the topic... .but if I just share my own thoughts, she seems to assume I'm not interested. Any ideas on how to respond in a way that invites further discussion, without putting her on the spot if she doesn't feel like saying more?
Title: Re: responding/inquiring in casual conversation--ideas? Post by: Chilibean13 on December 31, 2015, 08:13:06 AM My H also gets frustrated if I don't read his mind. I've found that I have to tell him, "I am confused. You did not tell me what you want/think/feel. Would you please explain what you mean?" If he responds by telling me I should know already then I remind him that I cannot read his mind. If he wants me to be clear in my communication, he needs to do the same.
Title: Re: responding/inquiring in casual conversation--ideas? Post by: whitebackatcha on December 31, 2015, 02:45:21 PM My H also gets frustrated if I don't read his mind. I've found that I have to tell him, "I am confused. You did not tell me what you want/think/feel. Would you please explain what you mean?" If he responds by telling me I should know already then I remind him that I cannot read his mind. If he wants me to be clear in my communication, he needs to do the same. She would hate that, wow. But that reminds me that I've been thinking about ways I try to take on her responsibilities and feelings. I'm trying not to get back into those patterns (we had NC for several months). Title: Re: responding/inquiring in casual conversation--ideas? Post by: formflier on December 31, 2015, 03:11:53 PM Focus on slowing things down. Confirm you heard correctly. Then when confusion still exists use the phrase "help me understand". Say it gently, with curiosity
FF Title: Re: responding/inquiring in casual conversation--ideas? Post by: whitebackatcha on December 31, 2015, 03:47:07 PM Focus on slowing things down. Confirm you heard correctly. Then when confusion still exists use the phrase "help me understand". Say it gently... .with curiosity FF This all makes sense. The issue with her is that she hates being asked to explain, period. I'm trying to focus on giving her space for her feelings by not trying to alleviate anything, and am hoping she will feel more comfortable in time. We had this issue yesterday, and she ended up saying she was having a hard time expressing how she felt because of the topic (directness!), I said that really made sense, and she still immediately changed the subject. She was direct, so I don't consider this conflict, I'm just looking for new ideas. I mean, hmm. It's possible I was asking too many questions for her to handle, because I was showing interest. I'm going to think about the slowing it down idea. Title: Re: responding/inquiring in casual conversation--ideas? Post by: formflier on December 31, 2015, 05:41:04 PM The issue with her is that she hates being asked to explain, period. This is not your concern, put zero, zip, nada energy into this. Normal healthy r/s interactions involve clarifying messages people send to each other. If one party is having hard time doing that (in reality both are, if a message is not understood), let them deal with sorting it out. The receiver (you , the non) should attempt no gymnastics or contortions to help her send a message to you. Just let her know what you heard and ask for confirmation that it is the idea she wanted to explain. If yes, great! Move on. If no, "help me understand the message you are trying to send to me", or put in some detail about what you think you heard. Focus on saying this with interest, curiosity, avoid grumpy. I'll be back later to expand on this a bit, dinnertime! FF Title: Re: responding/inquiring in casual conversation--ideas? Post by: formflier on December 31, 2015, 06:52:11 PM Yep, that was solid dinner! |iiii OK, So, what to do when they get pissed that you don't get it. Step 1: remain calm. No reaction. Bemusement is a place to be. Step 2: Ask them how they are feeling. Attempt to validate the emotion. Step 3: Ask them if they would like to try again to send you their message. If they say no, drop the issue. Just say Ok and change subject. Usually best for a break. My habit is to go get water for me an her. I'll leave the water for her, kinda gently touch her shoulder and then go off and do something else. If they say yes then hush and listen. Try active listening, break the message into smaller parts. Go back to step 1 and keep repeating the cycle. If you notice that they are getting worse or more pissed, pull the plug but make it about you. That you need to go do something else.
FF Title: Re: responding/inquiring in casual conversation--ideas? Post by: whitebackatcha on January 01, 2016, 01:51:22 AM This is not your concern... .put zero... .zip... nada energy into this. Normal healthy r/s interactions involve clarifying messages people send to each other. If one party is having hard time doing that (in reality both are... .if a message is not understood), let them deal with sorting it out. The receiver (you ... .the non) should attempt no gymnastics or contortions to help her send a message to you. Thank you for this reminder. I've been trying to be better about this. Something came up the other day, and I just knew she wouldn't like it if I answered honestly. Then I thought, if anyone told me that's how their partner was, I would label them as abusive, plain and simple. I made myself say what I would have said to anyone else, and it went well! I know how recycles typically end, but I'm determined to practice not being a doormat, and to benefit from the experience in that way. Sometimes I honestly wonder why she's so drawn to me when I'm more upbeat and she's more grumpy in general. |