BPDFamily.com

So, after I re-connected with my BPD friend(?) on Christmas, she started ignoring me on Wednesday, after replying "Sure" to me asking her to go to see a movie.  I sent her two "happy new year" texts, both of which went ignored.  This morning, I texted her and told her it's best if I go to the movie by myself.  She quickly replied, "Ok."  I sent a few more texts, all of which went unanswered.  

About an hour ago, she updated her Facebook profile pic, to one of her and a new guy.  I guess this explains why she was ignoring me and why she is continuing to ignore me.  

Clearly, I'm only of use to her when she is lonely and single, and even then, she just texts me occasionally.  

If she texts me and it's something that requires a response, I will send a brief, to-the-point response.  If it doesn't require a response, I won't give her one.  

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Mode note: Thread relocated from Detaching.

Quick question - you are posting on the ":)etaching" board. Probably not the best place to get communication coaching.  *)

Are you ready to walk away? Are you ready for some intervention?

I think it would help to lock in on one board, cross posting on all the relationship boards can be counter productice.

Skip,

I was on Staying and Undecided for a little bit.  At this point, I don't know where I stand, honestly.  

She's clearly ignoring me, but there hasn't been a big blowup or a "goodbye" text, so I'm not painted black yet.  That being said, she still hasn't unblocked me from Facebook.  

She found this new guy pretty early, so if he lasts until Valentine's Day, I would say that could end up being an event that causes her to end it.  

I did manage to take something very funny away from today.  A friend scrolled down through her timeline, and even though she is single, she still has the relationship status update from her last boyfriend on her timeline.  But with her new profile pic, it looks like she's in a relationship with one guy but posing with another, lol.  

Understood.  *)

Leaving is about detaching, letting go, getting on without the person. You need to be in that "space" if you are going to get good advice here.

Asking people in the detaching process to comment on your "recovery conversations" may (unconsciously) just be seeking validation for your side of the "disagreement" which is generally more polarizing (and drama making) than problem solving.

Plus, members have a hard time following you when you bounce from board to board and it is often the members that know your story best that give you the best (and sometime the hardest) advice.

Make sense?

I say this to everyone reading in hopes it will help all  :)

SummerStorm,

Why does there need to be a blowup fight or a goodbye text from her or you knowing that she painted you black for you to walk away from this? I mean, she pretty much already walked away from you, she is dating/seeing other people as we speak and has been  doing this for how long? You are at the very least torturing yourself by not walking away on your own or more like disrespecting yourself by sticking around in hopes that one day she might come around. Her behavior clearly shows you that she doesn't give a flying flamingo about possibly reconciling things. You need to go that route too. It is really tough to see it this way while you are in the middle of it all but you gotta get there.

Skip,

I've spent probably 95% of my time here on Detaching, so the people here know my story best.  

I spent June 16th-July 21st convinced I'd never hear from her again.  I spent July 22nd-August 8th not hearing from her, after she wrote to me and told me never to contact her again.  I spent August 9th-September 16th in contact with her.  I spent September 17th-November 26th really convinced that I'd never hear from her again.  I spent November 27th-December 3rd having decent conversation with her.  And I've now spent December 25th-today having very minimal conversation with her.  So, a lot of my time has been spent convinced I'd never hear from her again.    

We weren't a couple, just best friends who had sex three times, so she can date whomever she pleases.  I'm on Tinder and OkCupid myself. 

The problem is that she keeps choosing new relationships over old friendships.  She's ok with being friends and wanting to hang out right up until she starts a new relationship.  Then, that takes over everything.  The only reason this didn't happen with the guy she dated for most of the year is that she and I worked together and saw each other every day.  So, we often left work and hung out.   

You are trying to be best friends with somebody who isn't capable of having long lasting relationships/friendships. It is one of the hallmarks of personality disorders. That's why you are seeing what you are seeing - new friends become the best thing ever, old friends cease to exist. The vast majority of people would walk away from a friendship like that or at least put it very very low on their priority list. You basically have to expect that at any given point your person will just disappear somewhere for gawd knows how long. That's not a friendship in my book, that's some distant acquaintances getting in touch from time to time and leave it at that. And that's the best case scenario. That's what you have to expect from this "friendship". Do you really need it?

That's who she is. Many people are like this, not just those with BPD traits.  I have a friend who put everything into her relationships. Not too successfully, but that is her style.

All my life I've heard people talking about "fair weather" friends. Some of our friends are just that.

Can you just accept her for who she is?

What will happen when you finally meet someone that means something to you. Will you push them aside to have casual sex with your ex?

Yeah, I'd say "that explains it" and I wouldn't be guessing in doing so.


Clearly.  Period and full stop.

Fear of abandonment is a big root that BPD stems from.  So we should not be surprised that someone with this abandonment issue who is also emotionally retarded and likely more narcissistic than the average early-teens child doesn't want to be alone and has no problem using someone else as a tool to meet her emotional needs, with little to no empathy for the needs of the person being used.    


I wouldn't respond.  At all.   I bet that comes across as kind of cold-hearted, huh?  

Here's the deal:  A pwBPD needs love.  So do psychologically whole adults.  If you are one with a strong "rescuer instinct," it might be easy for you to fall in to the trap of confusing compassion for love.  Love between two psychologically whole adults is built on mutual interest, care, and respect -not codependency or a chivalrous desire for rescuing.  How "mutually respectful" is it for her to "no ack" your calls and texts while you plan to return at least a portion of them coming from her to you?  Friendship between psychologically whole adults also requires mutual respect.

You didn't give her BPD.  You aren't obligated to "fix it."  She doesn't want a "friend," anyhow.  What she wants is a lover first and foremost, and maybe a "tool" on the side that she can manipulate via eliciting sympathy -something she's likely very brilliant at doing.  She only wants the "tool" in case of emergency, like the jack, lug wrench, and spare tire in her car.  But unlike those things, she doesn't want her "emergency emotional support tool" around all of the time -only on her terms, when she has needs she feels that need meeting.

Don't walk away through this open door.  :)o yourself a favor and run.  If you stick around for her, a "tool" is likely all you are ever going to be to her, and if you don't feel like one now, you will eventually, and sooner rather than later.  Now would be an excellent time to run, while she apparently has another person to play the Borderline Idolization Game with.  

J.P.

Hi Summer,

Both Invictus and CC offer good advice and counsel.  Although hard to hear and process, that's the reason why we post on these boards---for objectivity.

I said goodbye to my ex last week.  It was a positive, high-road and thankful text but I'm also fully aware that she may never respond.  I came to the conclusion that she just wasn't capable of the type of friendship/relationship that would have been worth continuing.  Not necessarily her fault due to the disorder and not necessarily my fault as she has many broken friendships from her past so I'm in good company. 

Simply something to consider as you chart your own course forward.

LF

Hey SummerStorm, it seems like maybe you are trying to force a friendship on someone who has no interest in being friends with you at the moment, which is quite common with a pwBPD.  It also seems like maybe you are trying to control the outcome, rather than letting things develop, or wither, in natural fashion.  Letting go of the outcome is a liberating experience and might be worth a try.

LuckyJim