BPDFamily.com

My ex cut off contact with me tonight, so I guess I'll be over on the "Leaving/Recovering" portion of the site for a while at least. She said a lot of things, but she was pretty clear about it. Said she "doesn't have what it takes to know me" and that she likes and loves me, and that she didn't ever want to be friends, she wants "what he had when we were together but better" and doesn't believe that we could do it. That there's no point and that she's constantly angry and mean to me and that she has a lot of work to do to not be that way anymore. Fairly accountable, I guess. She said she'd reach out some day "if the timing was ever better". Not sure what that means, but I won't be holding my breath. Thanks for all the help over here - it did make a difference, and I'm letting her go with strong acknowledgement from her that I did my best and that it's HER, not me, who sabotaged this getting better.

Sorry to hear that, Bob.

It really is her who sabotaged it. It's what they do. I heard similar things from my ex when she kicked me to the curb.  We deserve better tho it's hard to go through this, as we both know.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Pretty devastated this morning. We texted a little bit, but she's sticking to it. Ten months of post-breakup struggle and that's just it. I'm not beating myself up, I'm just heartbroken that she gave up, and stubbornly kept me in limbo and then left because of it. What a waste. I feel like she'll be back, once it sinks in, but she truly believes in this moment that she's making a good decision, which blows my mind. Tossing away people who love you and who you love is just not what I believe in. So I guess we're not compatible.

The hard part is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are still feelings we have for each other, but that she's just too dysregulated to do the work. That's really rotten. She's still "angry and overwhelmed MOST of the time", after ten months!

She'll be back, and it will be too late. You can't fuel running from love with anger for very long. Or she'll "find a relationship she feels good about." Good luck!

Yup, it definitely hurts a lot. And you just sit there wondering why someone who cared so much about you just a short time ago now wants nothing to do with you and it drives you nuts.

But these women have a mental illness and there's nothing we can do about it.

Sorry to here your struggles.

For you it sucks... .but you'll move on. If you've learnt something about yourself and you're a more understand person, you're probably a better partner when someone comes next.

I think the sad thing is for BPD people. I'm not an expert on the stats surrounding it, but some will maybe work out their issues themselves, some will seek professional help and improve, some will go on a cycle of failed relationships all their lives because of their sabotage. Sometimes we want to be the ones to fix it, but it really depends on the other person.

If you can't help her, or she won't go into therapy, then you've done all you can. Pat yourself on the back and walk away stronger.

I know it's tough, but if we take the right things away from it, we heal and we're strong, better people for it.

be thankful. what is worse is when they will not leave, threaten you in numerous ways, and they threaten to kill themselves if you leave them. Take some time for yourself. Keep your distance now. I am sure it will be hard as break up always are BUT be grateful that you have a chance at a life and finding someone who does not take take take while giving nothing but pain and selfish tantrums. Some days I wish my BPD would make that kind of decision. Instead I get bombarded with having to solve all their problems and when I get frustrated as humans do, I get anger, tantrums and threats. So I always have to keep giving by living in a stand by mode for the possible day they will just go away or actually follow through on their death obsession. This is pure hell.  Be glad to be pushed up to purgatory.

Thanks, everybody. It's a really hard day here.


I'm definitely sad for her. She is in therapy, she's just not doing work about this relationship, which is one of the things that has blown my mind for months. I talked to a friend this morning who knows the whole sad tale already and she said basically "you did WAY more than you should have to keep her, you were WAY better to her than she deserved, and you can't fix her, and it won't get better, and you can't have a healthy relationship with a person who isn't sane, because you, (Maple), are sane."

We'll have one more point of contact later this week, but after that I just don't know. She's well aware that she routinely sabotaged this relationship, and admitted to being mean/insulting/cruel/rude/dysregulated to push me away, and said that she didn't really want a friendship, she wanted to be with me, but isn't capable of being the person I need. It was funny to hear her say that she wants to find a relationship she "can feel good about" when it's all pretty much on her. At least I can walk away knowing that I did my best, and that she understands how I feel about her, acknowleges her responsibility, and that she's free to be in touch with me if/when she wants to. It's going to be a long time before she is capable of being on my level, if ever, or of letting go of her ridiculously overblown anger problem towards me.

So much love and labor lost.

God I wish that this had played out differently. It's awful when they quit and you have to let them, especially when you know they aren't capable of getting to where you need them to be. This stupid disorder.

Totally know how you feel. My ex absolutely was consumed by me and I with her. We had a great weekend away in the end of August, we laughed all the way home. The next week she left some stuff at my place and that's the last time she came over.

She said she had to work on herself so relationships meant more to her in the future.

And now she never initiates contact and I keep looking at my fun wondering if she sent a text while knowing there's no way she sent a text.

It sucks, maple. It really sucks. Hang in there.

I so hear you MapleBob, and am sending you so much support. My ex said that BPD ruined all of her relationships. I wish different outcomes were more likely.

The phone is totally my instrument of torture as well... .oh man, the no texts are so painful. How long as it been Anez?

She hasn't initiated since prob early October when she had a death in the family. She replies nicely to my texts but it's a lot different from what it was. Painful.

Fortunately for me, ten months of steadily decreased contact has weaned me off of expecting her to reach out. If anything contact was increasing over the last month and it kind of noticeably threw me off. How very BPD of her to make me think things might be getting better before pulling the rug out from under me!

Lovely. Her Christmas package to me just arrived. In a card dated December 15th (two weeks ago!) she's all sweet, signs it with love, and says that she's "looking forward to talking to me in the new year". Guess a lot much have changed in two weeks then? 

I threw away all of the cards.  Too painful to have around.  Every remnant of her is out of sight.  Gifts, things she bought me(she liked to get me stuff at first) in a box, email folder, mailed to my sister.  She may have noticed when she came over 12-26, but that is our business, right? 

Oh I definitely file this stuff away out of sight. She does that too. All of the pictures are on an external hard drive, and all of the letters and such are buried in a box in a drawer that I open maybe once a year. It's just ironic to get a letter where she's being sweet and talking about the future, and to be where we are now two weeks later, and be hearing the complete opposite. Knowing that I did nothing in the intervening time to warrant being pushed away again.

Man.

that's all i can say about the letter and what has since happened to you.

man.

Right? I mean, I'm crushed and everything, but I'm mostly flabbergasted. It really drives home the clear pattern: she will sabotage any peace that we build, regardless of what I do. And she'll find a way to blame me for it.

I get it: she's super emotional, needs tons of validation, needs time/space, needs peace to heal, needs less pressure, needs more (or less?) intimacy from me ... .but whenever I do "the right thing" and it works: sabotage. So there's literally nothing I can do about it! Like, I thought that would stop. I thought it would get easier.

Quite the soap opera Bob, it really stinks and I can relate to your pain.  So what if she contacts you again how will you take it and what will you do?  Do you think you can go without trying to contact her?

I don't know what I'll do if she contacts me again after Friday. I really don't think she will, not for a good long while at least. I told her that we could have stopped fighting at any time, and she replied "I can't, and that's the problem." You know, two days after she wanted to get to know me better again. 

And I don't know if I can stay away from her. I think I can this time, it's gotten pretty bad (and it was bad before!). I know it's pretty much putting my hand on the stove at this point.

Is my best bet to just agree with her, tell her that I love her and really wished that things could be different, that I tried, and then just walk away for good? This is pretty grim.

She's actually now refusing to do a voice call and will only text me on Friday to say goodbyes and get clear or whatever. 

What are you meaning by "best bet", best bet for what?  Why would you agree with her if you actually don't?  I suggest you figure out what you want and what is realistic in this situation and what you can live with.  It's obvious she is not ready for a relationship like you would like so your choices are to move on or accept things for what they are.

If you choose to move on, then NC is usually the best way to accomplish this and you should just tell her you love her and wish things could be different but you must move on with your life and NC is the best way to accomplish this and you wish her well.

If you are willing to hang in there and get the occasional phone calls and texts, to not talk about or pressure her about relationship things, then tell her you care for her and you would like more but you are fine being friends, would like to stay in contact, and to be there when she needs someone to talk to.  Just ask her if she's ok with this scenario of you two staying as friends.  

Take control Bob and decide for yourself.

Maple-  can you tell me what your 3 favorite things to do are?  Other than talk with her?

some of my favorite things are-

cycling

listening to music

hanging out with friends at the little bar and grill I go to.

work-  yes I like work

smoke a cigar with an ounce or two of scotch

playing poker-  online free or with friends for 20 bucks

listen to live music

The advice I got was to do something completely out of my "comfort zone".  That something was to contact her.  To reach out to her. 

I have read all of your situation, Bob.  I suggest that you also do something completely out of your comfort zone.  Do not contact her for 60 days.  Do not respond to "bread crumbs" or even an attempt by her to arrange a meet up.  If she wants to see you, she knows exactly where you are.  Make her work for you. You are worth it.

Do not be "friends".  There is no such thing.  Maybe after a year or 2.  Maybe.  Not now, though.

It will be tough.  Call everyone in your phone when you want to talk to her.  Text yourself.  Get immersed in something amazing.  Apply for jobs.  Start a workout regimen.  Get back online in dating.  Go out to your hangouts and meet women(and hang with the guys)

She will be shocked if you go out of your comfort zone.  You will be too, in 30 days... .

You will feel like "you" again.  Confident.  Sexy.  available.  Cool.  POF's in the sea.

That's exactly what we were doing, but all of a sudden that's too much for her. She dysregulated again, and I'm not really sure why. If anything I've been an increasingly better friend to her as the past ten months have progressed.

I guess the question really is: how much bridge do I let her burn? What's my best bet for her getting back in touch after she's settled a bit and realized what she's done (which I think will eventually happen). How do you leave it open-ended, but not?

And @1minute:

Lots of things! I still do them, and they're good distractions, but they're harder to enjoy at the moment.

I like that advice! There's just no way she's going to know about it if I do go out of my comfort zone. After Friday I'm definitely doing no contact for a while, and we'll see if she ever reaches out. She hasn't "worked for me" in a pretty long time. Maybe actually losing me will do the trick, but I doubt it.

No contact works.  They don't forget about you if they loved you.  It makes them remember the good times and yearn for you.  She isn't yearning for you.  She is overwhelmed by you.  You must give her space if you want her back.  Tons and tons of space.  

You must also realize that no contact is really for you, not her.  It helps you not be dysregulated and disjointed.  Trust me.  I was and still am a bit.  :)ay by day.  minute by minute.  1minuteatatime.

Maple-

I sent you a personal message.

Ok Bob, I'm interpreting your last sentence "Maybe actually losing me will do the trick... " as meaning you are going to go NC as a way to teach her a lesson and possibly get her back.  The reason you go NC is because you are done with the relationship and are ready to move on with other things in your life.  Also if you go NC, that means you block her phone number, emails, and FB and any other means of communication.  You will never know if she reaches out because she can't contact you easily.  If she sends you a letter in the mail, you through it in the garbage without reading it.  

Going NC for a while and waiting to see if she reaches out sounds very immature and manipulative.  If you haven't had enough yet and are not ready to end the relationship and go NC then don't.  

Your first message in this thread said that you realized it was over and were letting her go. Is this letting her go?

She still says she loves me, so that's good at least. I'm just really sick to death of strategy and games and thinking that things are looking up only to have them sabotaged. That's pretty good reason for me to stay away until something changes on her end. And if it does, she'll get in touch, I'm sure.

It's just unusual and weird for me to leave a relationship alone, leastwise with such confusion and mixed signals. It both feels inevitable AND impossible that we'll ever speak again, which I think many of you can relate to.

I'm vacillating, guys! I felt clear about it until I didn't anymore.

SHE'S leaving, that much I know. It's best for me not to reach out to her after that, that much I know.

So it's not really NC then? I'd be psyched to hear from her again, so I don't have any particular need to build a palisade wall against her. I'm getting hurt not by her just being around, but by her inability to regulate when it comes to me.

How about you accept things for how they are and stop with the strategy and games.  You clearly aren't prepared to let her go and move on with your life so forget talk about going NC. 

So yes it hurts when things don't go as you like but you have no choice than to accept things for how they are and make the best of it.  Accept whatever contact you have with her, and also don't be staring at the phone constantly, waiting for a phone call or text, do things for you in your life that you enjoy and that bring peace and happiness. Then if you do communicate with her you will have a lot more to talk about and be much more desirable to her and others as well.

That's my default plan, I guess.

And I haven't been waiting for calls/texts for some time now. She's all-but-gone, when two weeks ago she was all for being friends (or whatever our relationship actually is/was) and then turned on a dime when I did nothing even remotely provocative. I'm just confused and wondering if there's something I could do about that, because it's obviously pretty impulsive and kind of outrageous.

I completely disagree with anyone who says accept whatever emotional garbage(texts, calls, emails) she wants to push/pull with.  Love is not a game.  But that said.  It is a game when it comes to emotions.  It really is.  A game in your own head.  The quicker you realize that you must take control of your own emotions, the quicker you will start to heal. Contact of any kind is not healing.  You initiating is not healing.  It is not being in control.  You must take control of your emotions.  Especially now. For her.  But mostly.  

For you.  

I'd say I spend more than half of the day enjoying myself and doing things that I like (er, well, or things that I need to do, not necessarily like). Then I remember that she's gone and that things are hard and then I get the clenching heart feeling. So yeah, I need to get a grip on that. It's funny to notice that when I *have* had contact with her, I immediately go right into my head, and she immediately goes right into her feelings. Roles.

Kind of just thinking out loud here.  :thought:

No one should accept emotional garbage but one should accept the reality of the situation, take control of their lives and deal with it appropriately.

I think Steve makes sense here.

I saw a mention of abuse yesterday. We are now talking emotional garbage. Is this really the case?

Thanks Skip, your opinion means the WORLD to me on this.

I may have spoken strongly, but I think that her push/pull with me is starting to border on emotionally abusive. It has veered into that before, but rarely to this degree, and certainly not with so little provocation. Continually sabotaging positive relationship progress is arguably abusive, I'd think, especially combined with misplaced blame/projection/splitting.