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Title: Mindfulness - can I do this? Post by: unicorn2014 on January 03, 2016, 02:55:39 AM I just wanted to let everyone know the incredible canal I am walking down.
On the one side I have my bipolar sociopathic self medicating xh, on the other side I have my partner, and in the middle is me, trying to be mindful, trying not to be triggered, trying to be wise. I know Yoda said there is no try there is only do, however based on today... . I graduated from DBT last year (or maybe even the year before) and am doing a refresher course this year, so I know all this. Yet look what happened today (see my threads on the coparenting and undecided boards) What I am attempting seems almost impossible. As anyone else walked the middle path between coparenting with a disordered ex and staying with a disordered partner? Title: Re: Mindfulness - can I do this? Post by: chump on January 03, 2016, 05:13:24 PM Hi Unicorn,
Me again. I've continued to read your posts and follow your progress, but decided a few weeks back that my feedback may not have been particularly helpful to you, and took a step back to see what other posters might be able to contribute. I pulled this quote from your recent post in the "Undecided" forum. "The way in which he was posting on Facebook was bothering me because he was posting as his public self on his private page, in my opinion, which he created solely for the purpose of interacting with me and my friends." You went on to provide more detail as to why his FB posts and choice of profile pic were objectionable to you, but this quote captures enough for me to make my point. You're describing your experience like navigating a canal, with difficult relationships on both sides, and I have no reason to doubt your description of your experience as being very real for you. But the metaphor of a simple, harmless boat just trying to safely navigate a canal doesn't quite capture this dynamic, does it? What does your partner's FB profile picture have to do with your mindfulness, your health and stability? Or keeping your side of the street clean? You might remember awhile back I asked you about what business it was of yours if a 50-something year old man decided to attend church or not. Same point. And a number of other examples have come up here. And bringing your partner into complicated issues with your ex, particularly now as you're trying to untangle a knot of complex issues with him, does that seem healthy to you? I'm chiming in again with the hope that you will see the ways you are poking the hornet's nest repeatedly. You return frequently to your main objection in this relationship, his deception and delays regarding his divorce. I, and many others here, have repeatedly reinforced your concerns here, and your attempts to create healthy boundaries around it. What you seem much more reluctant to see is the role you're playing in the drama and conflict that seems to occur daily between you two, and in how many different ways you instigate and stoke that drama. Unicorn, although I hope not, I realize my feedback may feel harsh, and I'm sorry for that. I find myself reading your posts, torn between feeling frustrated and concerned for you, but also unable to look away, like watching a slow-rolling train wreck. As an outside observer it is so clear how much harm this dynamic is causing you, your partner, and your relationship. And probably others who are close to the situation as well. Many here have suggested taking space. Really taking space. Not punishing, reactive taking space, but gently, kindly, mutually taking a step back, allowing each of you to process your complicated, painful feelings. I'm adding my vote for this approach. Chump Title: Re: Mindfulness - can I do this? Post by: unicorn2014 on January 04, 2016, 10:09:59 PM Chump, I did not want to reply to your post when it was over on the staying board however since the moderators moved it back to the undecided board, thank you, I guess I need to reply now.
I pulled this quote from your recent post in the "Undecided" forum. "The way in which he was posting on Facebook was bothering me because he was posting as his public self on his private page, in my opinion, which he created solely for the purpose of interacting with me and my friends." You went on to provide more detail as to why his FB posts and choice of profile pic were objectionable to you, but this quote captures enough for me to make my point. You're describing your experience like navigating a canal, with difficult relationships on both sides, and I have no reason to doubt your description of your experience as being very real for you. But the metaphor of a simple, harmless boat just trying to safely navigate a canal doesn't quite capture this dynamic, does it? No it doesn't, because that's not the analogy I was making. The analogy I was making was to Hercules pushing the walls of the Panama canal apart, his thirteenth labor https://www.pinterest.com/pin/269934571387797927/ (https://www.pinterest.com/pin/269934571387797927/) That is how I am experiencing having a disordered ex on one side and a disordered partner on the other. Excerpt And bringing your partner into complicated issues with your ex, particularly now as you're trying to untangle a knot of complex issues with him, does that seem healthy to you? Hi. I don't know if you read my discussion with another member where my former therapist had told me it was appropriate to vent to my partner about my ex? Excerpt I'm chiming in again with the hope that you will see the ways you are poking the hornet's nest repeatedly. You return frequently to your main objection in this relationship, his deception and delays regarding his divorce. I, and many others here, have repeatedly reinforced your concerns here, and your attempts to create healthy boundaries around it. What you seem much more reluctant to see is the role you're playing in the drama and conflict that seems to occur daily between you two, and in how many different ways you instigate and stoke that drama. That's not a very helpful statement. Excerpt Unicorn, although I hope not, I realize my feedback may feel harsh, and I'm sorry for that. I find myself reading your posts, torn between feeling frustrated and concerned for you, but also unable to look away, like watching a slow-rolling train wreck. As an outside observer it is so clear how much harm this dynamic is causing you, your partner, and your relationship. And probably others who are close to the situation as well. I don't find them harsh, I find them rude and disrespectful, as if you were poking fun at me. A slow rolling train wreck? If that's how you view my first attempt at taking a time out and upholding my boundary and doing a therapeutic separation with an unwilling partner, then please, do not respond to my posts. Excerpt Many here have suggested taking space. Really taking space. Not punishing, reactive taking space, but gently, kindly, mutually taking a step back, allowing each of you to process your complicated, painful feelings. I'm adding my vote for this approach. Chump If you had actually read my posts instead of making snide derisive comments you would have seen that I have totally disrupted the facetime routine with my partner. We have been face timing everyday for 3 years when we weren't together. Title: Re: Mindfulness - can I do this? Post by: Rapt Reader on January 05, 2016, 08:13:45 AM *mod*
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