BPDFamily.com

I, like many of you, have grown up with BPD mother that has dominated my whole life. Before I was born she managed to function in society  (she had a job, relationships, friends, etc). But since I was about 2 she quit working and over time has lost all ability to function. She lays in bed all day and collects a disability cheque and expects everyone else around her to do everything they can to support. She only has two people in her life though, one friend and me.

Up until a year ago I lived with her (I'm 24 now). One night she threw a fit, smashing all my possessions (a usual occurence). So I packed up as much as I could that night then a few days later moved out of town with my boyfriend. She became enraged and sad, but eventually accepted the situation.

I have tried to maintain a relationship with her, but it has become too emotionally exhausting. She phones me multiple times a day and wants to talk for an hour at a time. Occasionally she is in a decent mood, not mad or mean, but only really discussing her life, tunes out anything I say about my life. Most of the time she is extremely negative,  telling me I am a loser, she hates my boyfriend, where I live, my job, etc. She blames me for everything wrong with her life and says I should have stayed with her and taken care of her.

Christmas day I phoned her because I felt damned if I do, damned if I don't. She was particularly vile and demanded I deposit money in her bank account. After that day I decided not to accept any more of her calls because she only screams at me. I have been using her one friend as a go between but it isn't going very well.

My mother has filled up my voice mail box with absolutely horrendous messages and basically threatening my life. She is saying every hurtful thing possible to try to get to me as well as saying she will kill herself. I feel bad because she has pretty much no one else to talk to. But I can't be her only support anymore. She has a psychiatrist but all they do during their sessions is gossip, he doesn't help her at all.

Am I doing the right thing by having no contact with her? My voice mail is full so now she can't leave anymore messages. Sorry this post was so long.

Hi Khaleesi

I am very sorry you are in this difficult situation. Whether you go NC or not, I think it's very important to protect yourself and put your own well-being first. Boundaries can help with that. You've already taken steps to distance yourself from your mother by moving out and given the abuse you've described, I understand why.


Getting these kinds of voicemails is quite unpleasant and unsettling. When you still lived with her, was she also physically violent towards you? Is this the first time she is basically threatening your life or has she done this before?

She also says she will kill herself. Has she ever made any threats of suicide before?

She is seeing a psychiatrist but you clearly aren't very positive about him. What exactly is he treating her for? Has she been diagnosed with any disorder by this psychiatrist?

You are dealing with a very unpleasant situation here. I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice. Many of our members have a BPD parent too and know how difficult this can be.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

Occasionally she would be violent. I remember as I child she asked me to find the cat brush (I forgot to mention she has about ten cats). Anyways I couldn't find it, So when she found it she hit me with the hard bristly end of it quite violently. This is the first time that she has really threatened me and the people I live with (my boyfriend and his family). When I lived with her I always did what I was told and had hardly any connections with anyone outside of our house.

She has tried to kill herself two times in the past. I was there the first time, it was about a week after her father died. She got drunk, took too many sleeping pills, punched me in the head repeatedly (the only other time I can clearly remember that she has gotten physical), and told me how much she hated me etc, then locked herself in her room. I phoned 911, the paramedics took her away for a few hours, but she was back at 6 in the morning, just as vile as ever only without any pills to take. Since I moved away she again took too many pills one night, but she scared herself and called 911 herself.

My mother was diagnosed by a previous psychiatrist with BPD, unipolar (or major) depression and OCD. Her current psychiatrist did try to help her at first. I think he wanted her to fill out some kind of journal or log daily. But she refused and after that they don't seem to discuss anything of much importance.

I feel very guilty for not talking to her. In the past I was always there for her. Even when I moved away I still made an effort to at least talk to her on the phone. But now it is all too emotionally draining.

Can you report this to her psychiatrist? She's making homicidal and suicidal threats. Just play her VM on his answering machine. In US, we also have PERT (psychiatric emergency response team). It's like 911 for psych emergencies (like someone threatening/gesturing suicide). Not every state/city has one, but might be worth investigating. Can you block her number on your phone?

Hi, Khaleesi, and welcome to bpdfamily!

My mother has BPD also, and I understand how hard it is to have the responsibility for someone else's happiness to be placed on your shoulders.

It sounds like you have been through a lot with a mother who looks to you for stability. No one here will be able to decide what is best for you in terms of boundaries and contact with your mother--only you can do that. What we can do is offer you support so that you can make decisions that are most beneficial. From my point of view these days, the answer to questions like yours about whether NC is best for you and your mother isn't so much about should/shouldn't or right/wrong, more about what is the most helpful right now. Choosing to end contact with a parent is a very difficult decision to make, and often a last resort. Have you ever talked about your feelings with a professional? Is therapy an option for you?

The Lessons tab on this board has some great resources that can help you as you think about your boundaries and what will be most beneficial to you. What would it be like for you to reduce the amount of contact you have with your mother? You mention she calls multiple times a day and expects to talk for hours. What if you decide you will only answer one call a day? (Or two a week, or whatever feels comfortable to you.) Another option is to say, "Hi, mom, I have 15 minutes" and then set a timer and end the call when it goes off.

What would feel best to your right now?

Wishing you peace,

P.F.

Thanks for the responses everyone, much appreciated.

I have considered contacting my mother's psychiatrist. Not sure how much it would really help, but it probably wouldn't hurt to try. I don't think we have anything like a PERT in Canada, but I will try researching it. My mother's friend says my mom is okay, they spoke a few times yesterday. My phone is set to automatically reject my mother's calls, but I can still look at my call log to see if she has phoned. She hasn't tried to contact me for about 2 days now.

I do think it would probably help me to talk to a therapist, but I don't even know how to start that process, I don't have a family doctor, but I guess someone at a walk-in clinic might be able to recommend me.

For now I just feel that I need a break from my mother. Just thinking about her and the situation has given me a constant headache. In the past I have tried to set a time limit on our conversations. Sometimes she would be understanding and other times freak out because she has no one else to talk to, so then I would be guilt tripped into just sitting and passively listening.

I know that when she gets into a real rage she can't control herself and the things she says and does. Apparently she smashed all the things in her house that were of sentimental value to me, things that my grandfather (who is now dead) hand made in Portugal years ago. Basically things that can never be replaced. Now that she's crossed that line I'm not sure I can forgive her.

Good to hear back from you!

I imagine a walk-in clinic would probably keep a list of referrals somewhere. Not sure how easy it will be in your area to get in to see someone. If you have insurance, they can give you a list of in-network providers in your area, too. You might also want to try the therapist finder on psychology.com . They keep a pretty extensive database of psychologists that you can filter according to your needs.

That must have been very painful to lose your keepsakes from your grandfather that way. People with BPD often engage in impulsive behaviors like that without being able to look ahead to what the consequences may be, or to imagine a scenario in which they might be in a different mood later on. In that regard, it helps me sometimes to think of my mother as a young child (at least emotionally), and understand that she really does not know how to control herself sometimes. In her mind, what she's feeling right now is how she will always feel. That doesn't mean by any stretch that her behavior is without consequence, it just helps me detach a bit and view a situation with a little more compassion.

Taking a break can be a healthy way to look after yourself. Do you know long would you like it to be? Or just until you feel more collected and ready to re-engage?

Thanks for the advice P.F. Change.

I spoke to my mother about two nights ago. I didn't really want to talk to her, but my Dad and my mother's friend basically begged me to. My mom apologized a few times and I told her I can't speak to her if she is going to start yelling at me. We only talked for about 10 minutes and she was in a good mood. Otherwise we didn't talk about what had happened, I didn't want to ruin her mood.

It sounds like that conversation went relatively well, then, even though you felt pressured to have it. It helps me to keep conversations with my parents very superficial, so 10 minutes is about as long as they get for me. It's good you were able to communicate your boundary.  |iiii