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Did your BPD partner distance you from your emotions by raging at you when you expressed them? Mine sure did. Most of the time, I felt I was not allowed to have feelings.

I hope my sensitivity comes back in time. I got used to pushing away sadness and excitement and emotional sensitivity so as to avoid outbursts of rage. But I just feel out of touch now. Sensitivity gave me so much beauty... .

This is exactly my experience, too, Emergent.

Absolutely emergent. Feelings and emotions of their s/o are too scary for BPD's.

I would get the silent treatment followed by a rage.

My ex could not handle me having any emotion unless it was a positive emotion towards him.  Feeling anxious, angry, hurt, sad, etc were all 'not allowed' to be present in his presence.  Also not allowed, was having positive feelings towards others including my son, his daughter, friends, strangers, etc.  in very small doses, he could handle some of my positive emotions towards others, yet a build up would cause him distress.

He responded by trying to negate these feelings in some way.  Either by attempting to offer a perspective that could change mine, alter my mood to negative, or by expressing so much of his emotions that they appeared to 'overpower' anyone elses emotional experiences.

Thank you Sunflower, this is so eye-opening, too.

My ex also couldn't handle me being anything but happy and positive. If I was sad, mad, scared, discouraged ... .  anything but happy and encouraging he would call me needy and depressing. He refused to be around me if I was upset about anything wether it was related to him or not.

When my mom (with whom I am very close) was in hospital not expected to live he told me to snap out of it. It was our anniversary and I couldn't feel happy. I was just so sad and he was all pissed off because he wasted a viagra pill he took. Ummm thanks for putting my emotions below the level of a $5 viagra pill.

When my feelings were hurt or I was upset it was my fault. When he was hurt or upset it was my fault. It was the no win, lose, lose double bind.

Know your mind. Set boundaries. Tolerate no poop. Know your worth. Hugs.

 

My happiness and positivity would irritate my ex sometimes, if he was stewing inside.

She couldn't handle any form of disappointment towards her whatsoever. At first she'd be hurt if I was displeased with anything she did. But later she perceived me getting upset as being weak. Made her lose all respect for me.

Some of these hurts, disappointments were "perceived" in my ex's case. They didn't even exist. Once, during dinner after a difficult day, discussion etc, I thought about my job - which I had been neglecting- and a shadow passed from face. Wow, big rage. He took everything personally.

Yes and yes. These are the ways my ex deals with my positive emotions, too.

I'm trying to see inside a BPD head, but it's just so nasty... .It's like, "hey, here's someone who's feeling good about herself or her life; how can I wreck it most efficiently?" Or on the inverse, "hey, here's someone who's not feeling very well emotionally right now; I don't want to support her, and also what can I add to that pain to make it worse?" I know the pwBPD's acts are not quite so intentional, but it's not chemically determined either, right? It's a choice.


Me too. Yeesh, why the bleep did I put up with this for so long? I have a lot of hope riding on there being more normal people out there for building something constructive with in the future.


Arrgh, me too. I have to say, it's wonderful to find all you people who understand.

Please tell me you've relearned to let a shadow fall on your face again when you're feeling not so good.

Yep, it's back:)) I had a brief relationship with him and it was really difficult on a daily basis, but it was obvious that he was ill, really. I kind of made the decision not to aggravate it, so I didn't respond the way I would to a normal person. (Still, I was walking on eggshells for a bit of course, he was volatile.) I pointed at the cognitive distortion (everything is about me), that didn't stick with him. In our last days, I was coming up with pre-emptive clauses like "this is something positive that I'm saying". And I was wondering whether he would kill me for that:)) Surprisingly, he loved it (though this didn't change anything because I still couldn't say anything but positive stuff and even that annoyed him sometimes) and was relieved. But who wants to live like that you know :)

Freedom to sulk |iiii

Yeah, I cannot tell you the number of times I've said things like "I'm saying something positive here" or "I'm expressing how I'm on your side" because somehow or another my ex managed to hear the opposite.

So glad to hear you're able to sulk in peace! I'm not out of the house yet although I'm totally out of the relationship. I can't wait to sulk in peace! LOL!

Oooh, thank you so much for this Emergent. I feels validating that someone else has come up with this "solution", too. It felt very strange to me.

I wish you good luck in everything

 

I can totally relate to this, i was constantly reminded that i feel too much and am too sensitive and yet I had to allow him to "Feel" and Vent anytime he felt like, it was his right after all. And did i mention that most of the time he was allowed to "Feel", i had to hear how things that totally had nothing to do with me were my fault. World War III would ensue if i dared asked how i fit into the picture.

"The best revenge is to be unlike him that injured you."

Marcus Aurelius

After the third time of this I finally started seeing the patten.

Silent treatment, rage, crying like a newborn child, then he would dump me.

I will not let this cycle continue.

He would often do this after I said I was unhappy about something.  Even if I was calm, caring, and collected.  I am very laid back, caring, and sensitive.  His silent treatment and fits of raged confused me before I found out there is a word for what was happening ... .

I thank the Universe for Google everyday.  Can you imagine trying to navigate this crazy without it?

Absolutely! Good thread.  Even now I sometimes feel ashamed to have expressed my feelings to a friend. Afraid of being labeled as "too sensitive" "too needy" etc. But at the same time I now recognize red flags in those who cant respond in an appropriate way to my expressing my emotions with either silent treatment or shaming.