BPDFamily.com

Wow!  Wife has gone in to full NC mode after news of my attending wedding in Mexico.  I told her I was going, she blew, then asked for dissolution, to which I agreed.  This was mid-december.  It has been completely NC after this.  Don't misunderstand, I can understand her frustration at trying to re-work the world in a manner that befits her ideas. 

I have struggled with wanting to contact her since.  We have visited her wanting a dissolution _so_many_ times over the past 29 yrs., that it was likely a normal part of a conversation for her.  I think I threw a curve when I said "OK".  I think I had imagined a split of this kind (dissolutions are non-contentious, right?) to be more amicable.  I had envisioned us talking like normal, I guess - news of the girls for her and news of her family to me... .and just a calm, reasonable detachment from a relationship that has been non-functional for several years.  We used to text daily; "Have a good day"  "What's up?" and talk of favorite shows we used to watch.  I guess continuing the friendship aspect of our relationship.  Maybe she isn't there yet.

Her area of the US is having a weather event w closed schools and slick roads - I wanted to send a quick "Be safe on the roads!  Thinking of you... ." text.  Seventy-five percent of me sees no difficulty with this, while the other 25% is shouting "NO!" and waving the warning flag.

Is this weird? Thanks, by the way - you people rock.  I feel fortunate to have found you.

Likely she would complain about you if you sent it and also if you didn't send it.  This disorders sets us up for No Win situations.  Yet, our natural inclination to fix things can end up triggering more dysfunction.  As the old War Games movie had the computer print, "The only winning move is not to play."

Understand that your reasonable feelings and sincere intent will not be consistently reciprocated.  Maybe it will, maybe it won't.  If you don't have to send a non-essential and unexpected text or email, then don't.  If she later blames you for not sending something, you can always say you didn't realize it was that bad or some other general disclaimer.

I feel like if you can get her out of your head then you will be better off. Sending caring texts at this time while noble and compassionate is likely to be misinterpreted by a person with a PD. It may be seen as some kind of bid for reconciliation, which I'm guessing you don't want.

So if you can see it like she would interpret it differently than you meant it and it might ultimately hurt  her to find you didn't mean it as a gesture of reconciliation, she may feel rejected again. Spare her and you the grief.

Best of luck and much support for moving on and up in the new year!