BPDFamily.com

I'm going to keep this initial post as short as possible and fill in details when asked/if necessary:

I left a former fiance a few months before our wedding because she had become physically violent and threatening to the point where I felt unsafe staying in the same house (we were living together). I strongly suspect she suffers from BPD but it has not been diagnosed. She has been trying to win me back ever since (despite often telling me she hated me, threatening to break up with me, and accusing me of being emotionally abusive while I was with her).

She is about 6 months pregnant with my child. She's definitely pregnant (I've been to a few ultrasounds) and I'm about 95% sure it's mine.

I've tried a few times in the months since the breakup to try to repair some sort of friendship and work toward successfully co-parenting. We even went to a therapist together for a bit (just about 3 hours worth of sessions though before she decided she was being "ganged up on" and demanded a new one). She seems incapable of working towards our future in a healthy way, every conversation we have devolves into her claiming I'm emotionally abusive and a monster for leaving her while she's pregnant followed by her begging for us to get back together. I honestly don't feel safe spending time alone with this woman so obviously that can't happen.

I'm seeing a lawyer soon and I'm curious if there are any resources someone could point to or any advice to give going forward? I don't think there is much I can do before the baby is born but would appreciate anyone that's been in a similar situation talking through it with me.

Thanks.

Hi DeltaOne 

I think you could file for establishment of paternity and support before the child is born just to get things going. If you are pretty sure that it is your child, then first thing would be to get your name on the birth certificate. Get a DNA test done after the baby is born.

Does your x plan on breastfeeding? She could use that to limit your visitation time.

Do you know if it's a boy or girl? In my town there was a huge custody fight over circumcision. You should consider those medical items that you want and don't want, and find out x's feelings as well (circumcision if it's a boy, vaccinations, feedings, etc). Get them all down into a parenting plan and get an agreement with the x.

You should be proactive about getting an agreement before the baby is born or you could miss out on some time (and those little guys grow so quickly!).

Thanks Thunderstruck,

I'm fairly certain she does plan on breast-feeding. I am against circumcision but it's not a strong preference. I'm not sure what her view is but I honestly don't know if it's worth the fight.

I don't know if the baby is going to be a boy or a girl. She wanted to be surprised and said she wasn't comfortable with me knowing either. Recently she told me she had found out the gender but wouldn't tell me. She explained this as "I thought it could be something special we could share together in person." Every time she has something she thinks I want she tries to use it as a bargaining chip to get me to come over and see her. I reiterated what my position has been for months now, that I'm not comfortable being alone with her, so she called me an abusive monster and wouldn't tell me the gender. I'd really like to know but I'm pretty much resigned to everything being as difficult as it can be.

I'm not comfortable being alone with her because of the prior threats and violence, and also because she's made some wild accusations, some explicitly and some hinted at, since we broke up. For example, she has hinted that she does not feel comfortable with me being alone with the baby because she's worried I might be a child abuser. This thought has no basis in reality. She was abused as a child by her mother's ex, so I can understand her feeling some latent emotions due to the somewhat parallel situation, but I'm at a loss for what to do about things like this (and it's just so hard to wrap my head around the fact that she can say things like this about me, and at the same time want me to come back and be in a relationship with her). In my gut I can feel the false accusations coming (I've started looking into cameras for my home because I feel like I might want to record 100% of my time with the children just to have it when she eventually makes a false accusation). Figuring out how to cope and live with a future where I'm worried about these kinds of things has been very difficult for me.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant. I guess I just don't feel like I know enough yet about how to navigate this situation to make sure my child (and secondly the two of us) have the best possible life. It's very difficult.

Many disordered mothers who try to edge out fathers will claim, "I have to breasfeed every X hours, I can't let the baby out of my sight for more than a couple hours!"  Well, most courts realize that's not the case.  After all, millions of working mothers go back to work within 2-3 months.  If they can do it, so can she.  (Side point, beware of her using the baby as an excuse not to go back to work!)  Besides, she could express her milk and send it with the baby/toddler at exchanges.

She may insist to supervise your visits.  Beware of that tactic.  You need your own parenting time away from her suspicions and control.

Another point, she will try to claim the baby is too small for overnights.  Another claim without any medical foundation.  Yes, courts do generally set schedules for new fathers to shorter visits and maybe not entire weekends, but they are frequent, every 2-3 days or so.  Don't be emotionally pressured to cave to the claim you can't properly care for your child.  By the time a child is 3 years old, if not sooner, then standard schedules kick in.


Sadly, this is an all-too-common tactic used against targeted fathers.  Courts deal with such claims all the time.

I faced repeated allegations I was dangerous to my child.  My ex went to as many agencies as she could to paint me as a dangerous abuser.  After the first few times they reacted less and less.  It would be good to establish now that she is prepping herself to make allegations.  I recorded once I discerned my marriage was about to implode.  Over ten years later I still have them, though I guess I really don't need them any more after all this time.  But back then it really felt touch and go.  Without them I would have felt defenseless with no way to document that I wasn't the one threatnening, I wasn't the one misbehaving.  No court, children's agency, police, sheriffs, hospitals cared one bit that my parental contact was blocked, to them it was another day at work.  In one stretch it was 3 months and when we finally got a hearing in court and the magistrate confirmed from her that she had blocked all contact for 3 months, by then our son was 4 years old, he said, "I'll fix that."  All he did was assign me and schedule again with alternate weekends and a 3 hour visit in between.  No lectures to her (consequences), no make up time for me (credit).  Sadly, court isn't about being fair so you have to (politely) stand up for yourself at the right times and right places.

I'm not surprised that she would use the gender as a method of control. Is there a way you can contact the doctors directly and ask? It's your baby too!

My DH has had alllllll the false reports. Sexual abuse, drugs, violence, kidnapping, you name it. It sucked, but it has made her look like a crazy person every time these allegations are proven false.