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Title: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 04, 2016, 12:28:58 PM It is now 3 months I am NC with my daughter and grandsons. I feel like I am cracking. I am doing everything I can to be healthy. I am seeing a therapist. I feel like I am going through the motions of living but that I am not alive. I just want the pain to stop. This is my child. I have so much guilt for walking away. I just can't do this dance with her ever again.
Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: lbjnltx on January 04, 2016, 03:09:05 PM It takes 2 to tango, there is no rule that says you have to participate in unhealthy interactions... .this is where boundaries come into the equation.
How much you can tolerate depends on your skills, what you choose to participate in without it having a negative affect on you also depends on your level of skills. What skills do you think you need to work on in order to have a relationship with your daughter without it consuming you? lbj Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 04, 2016, 03:28:08 PM I can't. She said she wants no contact. I can work on me but I have no idea how to heal my broken heart. 30 years I blamed myself. I still am.
Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: lbjnltx on January 04, 2016, 03:40:27 PM Did she set a boundary with you regarding contact or did she impulsively tell you not to ever contact her again?
PwBPD (being very impulsive and acting on the emotions of the moment) frequently make statements that they aren't really committed to. What's the worst that can happen if you were to send her a validating letter requesting the ability to reestablish contact with mutual boundaries?... . As far as blaming self... .take responsibility for what you are responsible for, that is the mature and healthy thing to do for yourself and those you love. Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 04, 2016, 03:44:07 PM I think she means it.
Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: lbjnltx on January 04, 2016, 03:52:51 PM The only constants in this world is God and change.
Like I mentioned before... .what's the worst thing than can happen if you reach out? Rejection? Isn't that what you are living with now? Work on a letter... .post it here for feedback if you want. Ask yourself first if you have the skills to engage with her in a healthy way, be sure you are ready. If you are not ready because you lack the skills thus far we have the info to help you, we have the support here to help you. lbj Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 04, 2016, 03:57:04 PM Ok. I will start a letter.
Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: lbjnltx on January 04, 2016, 04:00:15 PM Good.
Even if you don't send it now... .or ever... .it is very cathartic and can help us reconnect to the empathy, hope, and love we have for our children that suffer with this terrible disorder. Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: OutOfGas on January 05, 2016, 11:58:51 AM Sometimes I feel like communication (or not) is like putting your hand under a running faucet not knowing if the water is running hot or cold. You stick your hand in quickly and if you feel it's too hot, you'll remove it immediately because you know the pain of the burn. But if you stick only your finger under the running water and it feels ok, maybe then you take a chance with your whole hand exposed. You just have to be aware that the temperature can change at any time and you may have to withdraw quickly. You have to be prepared for whatever happens: hot, cold, off, on and adjust accordingly. It's all very frustrating and hurtful and complicated. It seems like everyone else has a predictable faucet and ours... .NOT.
Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Honey B on January 05, 2016, 12:26:33 PM Eyeamme
I am in a very similar situation and I am watching this thread with interest. I really feel for you. It is difficult to know when to reach out and when to leave well alone. Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 05, 2016, 01:23:50 PM Out of Gas,
What a fantastic analogy. It totally works for me. I think I need to grow back my skin from the last burn before I can even think about checking the temperature of the water. HoneyB, Thanks. What is your situation? Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: lbjnltx on January 06, 2016, 10:18:27 AM Eyeamme I am in a very similar situation and I am watching this thread with interest. I really feel for you. It is difficult to know when to reach out and when to leave well alone. This is the problem... .the pain of no contact. The other problem is the pain that comes with contact. The variable is our ability to handle the pain from one or the other or both. This is where we have the power... .over ourselves and what we choose to do about it. Our kids have severe skills deficits that often result in painful communications or lack there of. Our own skills deficits keep us in the victim role. When we decide to step out of that role and learn the skills to do so is when we reclaim our personal power. How long we wait to make that decision is an individual choice/experience. How long it takes to learn and put into practice the skills we learn and claim for ourselves is also an individual experience. The most important step is the first one... .realizing and accepting that we do have a choice. lbj Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 06, 2016, 10:53:49 AM I think the problem I am having is that I made the choice to heal and go NC but the acceptance that I will never have the relationship I wanted feels like a death. I am having a hard time realizing that for 30 years I was so blind to think this was ok and normal. The reason is I also realized that my mom treated me the same way. Disdain seems normal to me.
I don't feel like a victim. I feel like a person with no good choice. I am really good at validation. My problem is if I don't agree with my daughter fully I am cut off. I just miss who I thought she was. Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: lbjnltx on January 06, 2016, 11:08:48 AM It may not be the choices that we want, it is a choice none the less. That's the bottom line.
We are all going through the endless grieving process (though a disenfranchised type of grief). Doing it mindfully by recognizing it for what it is can help us move through the grieving process and process our emotions, validate ourselves, and reclaim hope. Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272538.0) Eyeamme, none of this is fair. I encourage you to do some work over on the Coping Board to help with your healing process... .from your past and your present. Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 06, 2016, 11:34:26 AM I know. I know. I really do. It is going to take a little bit.
Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: lbjnltx on January 06, 2016, 11:37:27 AM Like most any daunting task, getting started is the hardest part.
You are not alone, we are here working alongside you. Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Kwamina on January 09, 2016, 11:08:15 AM Hi Eyeamme
Just wanted to let you know that the Board Parrot is also here to support you BPD presents us with a very harsh reality indeed. Acceptance isn't easy. Accepting the reality of your BPD child and what this means for the relationship you are able to have with her, is very tough because this requires letting go of the loving 'fantasy' child you probably still long for very much. The resident butterfly has provided you with a link to some excellent information. If you haven't done so already, I also encourage you to take a look at the material about reality acceptance skills. And even if you've looked at it before, it can still be helpful to revisit the material. Here's an excerpt: Excerpt Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event. You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive. It's a negative that just won't become a positive. And you're miserable. When that happens, practice reality acceptance. So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason. You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason. And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it. You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life. In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over. When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection. And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life. The article also discusses how hard acceptance can be: Excerpt These are the skills of reality acceptance. It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard. It is hard. It's really hard. All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at. There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it. I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.' That day is not going to come. This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives. The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first. If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it. So find something small. Practice on that. The willfulness, notice it. You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it. Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it. Slowly try to replace it. Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house. Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'. Put it up. Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator. If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier. Alright, so those are the skills. Radical acceptance - remember the word radical - complete, total, all the way. Turning the mind over and over and over and over. And willingness - entering life with willingness. Now, I know that these are really difficult skills. They, they've been difficult for me. They are difficult for everybody I know. And the facts of the matter are, every single person I know is practicing these skills. But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute. These skills take time to work. But, if you keep at it, I think they will work. You can read the entire article here: Reality acceptance skills - From suffering to freedom (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0) Take care Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: thefixermom on January 09, 2016, 11:56:26 AM Eyeamme, I blame myself, too, for what has befallen my daughter. And 21 years of feeling guilty for it propelled me to do everything I could to make it up to her, and things worsened. But what helped me was forgiveness. My daughter has not forgiven me, but I accepted forgiveness from what I consider to be the Love that we humans come from and I released myself from the guilty cloud that smothered my every thought. This took practice to become a solid part of me but once it was, I was set free. I love my daughter with all my heart. I know she still lives in a world of blaming me for her choices, but her own peace and freedom is a revelation which awaits her and there is nothing I can do about the timing of when that will happen. However, I do believe that my stepping out of the game is part of allowing that door to open for her. Once guilt makes us aware, it's job is done. From that point on we should usher it to the door every time it shows up because it will do us no good and serve no higher purpose. For me, the guilt's gift was to see that I'm human and made my poor choices and am willing to accept that fully. This in turn helps me to have compassion for others who make equally destructive choices. To know how much forgiveness meant to me, knowing I did nothing to deserve it, helps me to forgive others all the more. My hope for you is to receive forgiveness fully and completely and let it permeate your entire being, to lighten your load and shine your light upon this world, with whomever is in front of you. Seek and be joyful. You will always carry your beloved daughter in your heart everywhere you go and your desire is for her to know how much she means to you. She will one day. So will mine. Even if it's not in this lifetime. There will be a day of heart recognition and an embrace of love and grace. I'm living my life today in the spirit of that. I'm aware of my sadness but know that in the big picture love will prevail. Go with your gut as to when to reach out and how to do so in a truthful peaceful manner.
Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 09, 2016, 02:16:36 PM Thefixermom and Kwamina,
Thank you. I know all of this intellectually but not emotionally. Working on it. Just still in shock I guess. Xx J Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: mimi99 on January 09, 2016, 04:47:55 PM . I don't feel like a victim. I feel like a person with no good choice. I am really good at validation. My problem is if I don't agree with my daughter fully I am cut off. I just miss who I thought she was. I relate to this statement so well. Over the years I have had glimpses of the funny, smart, creative person my daughter can be. Unfortunately, these qualities are buried six feet deep under the BPD behavior. I have made the mistake of thinking she was that other person so many times, only to have her turn on me suddenly. Even when things were at their best, they were horrible, but I always saw the "good" side and made excuses for her. When I finally saw that things were never going to be "normal" or probably not even get any better I felt so sad that I cried every day--wrenching sobs of despair. The same people that are reaching out to you here reached out to me, sending me the same links about grief, etc. You are doing all the right things to help yourself. Time does help us heal, I promise. Title: Re: I am trying so hard Post by: Eyeamme on January 09, 2016, 09:07:23 PM I literally started crying when I read what you wrote Mimi. You always make me feel better. Thank you.
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