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My ex and I are a few months out from the end off what was a great relationship, or so I thought. there was no rage but there were BPD traits that I didn't know about until I started seeing a new therapist who knows a lot about BPD>

And I still want her back. And I don't know how to do that.

We went a month of ignoring each other at work after our break and not contacting each other. we went out of our way to not see each other at work. I didn't reach out on her birthday and neither of us reached out on new years.

in the past month or so we've gone from ignoring each other at work to saying hello. then we moved up to light, fun conversations where I was back to acting like the fun guy she became interested in. and she is back to laughing at some things I say. She even replied to a text last week saying it was really nice to talk with me that day at work. so there's been some movement there.

We've traded texts the past few weeks, tho they're usually once or twice a week at tops and she's always very nice in her replies. Our last text exchange was last monday when i said "man you looked really good at work today." She replied back, "thank you very much." One was a pic i sent to her of a book she got me for my bday in july and me thanking her for it. She replied back saying I knew you would appreciate it.

So it's just been that kind of light stuff with some meaning but not a lot. The looks text was the first and only text that has had even a vague sense of sexual feelings in it. I don't want to bring up anything about how things abruptly came to an end because i want to show her that I'm not gonna be the clingy, emotional guy i was in the few weeks after our break.

I'm always the one initiating texts. She hasn't initiated in a long, long time. Right now I'm waiting to see if she'll initiate, that's why I haven't texted her since last monday.

Every day at work is hard for me because I miss what we once had as a friendship and how now we barely talk. It's just overwhelming at some points to think that she has gone so far away from what we were. We used to eat lunch together all the time, or get tea together all the the time, and instant message each other all the time during work - and now we don't do any of those things.

but i feel like there have been some small steps taken.

So what's my next move here? Wait for her to text ... .which might never happen. Keep initiating texts every now and then? Just completely back away from her and contacting her?

thanks for any help.

I think you are doing great! Keep up the low key, chill, and fun emails :). I'd say keep initiating a couple times a week, if that is the pattern that is going well.

Just texted back and forth for 90 minutes. Started w a joke about work then traded songs back and forth and kept it light. It was good.

Great-- fingers crossed for you.

Hi Anez,

It seems that your texting conversations have been working well.  |iiii

Light and fun conversations worked well for me too when I was coming out of no contact periods with my boyfriend.  I understand the uncertainty of whether or not to initiate texts, phone calls, or conversations, especially after a period of not speaking. I felt the same way and I was almost hyper vigilant with who texted or reached out to whom first. I took his lack of reaching out really personally and thought that he was indifferent towards me. Do you feel this way too?

Then I thought of when we were in better periods in the past, I really did not think of who reached out first. Once I let go of the worry, if I saw or thought of something funny, I sent him a text or email.  After awhile he started warming up and reached out first by sending me funny texts and emails.

I understand how overwhelming and hard it is to feel like you are going back to square one. I have been there myself and thought the same thing. The caveat is that is you have more knowledge and tools than you did before.

Thanks all. Just taking it one step at a time.

I realized one of the songs I sent her had some suicide themes in it and instantly said don't listen to that song listen to this one, it's better. I hope she didn't listen to that song and have any crazy thoughts about why i sent it. I honestly sent it because it was a woman singer with some attitude that I thought she'd like. Then i really listened to the words and was like oh no, that's not a good song to send. I'm guessing she didn't listen to it.

But yea, it's all about keeping it light and fun. I used to make her laugh a lot and have made her laugh a few times the last few weeks. She's definitely keeping her guard up with me but Eagles is right - i do have more knowledge and tools this time around and that definitely helps.

Well we just shared a quick laugh at work and she looked happy to see me so I guess my concerns about the song were just me overthinking things ... .which is easy to do with BPDs!

It can be easy to be hyper vigilant and worried. Honestly, the best thing to do is not worry and let things happen. 

I am glad that things seem to be turning around. Keep us updated.   :)

Thanks, Eagles. I can't figure out why she won't initiate contact via text but she will reply even a bunch of times. maybe i'm overthinking things again but it's been so long since she initiated.

I will try not to worry and let things happen as they may.

But man, when i see her or hear her at work I just feel this anxiety of how much I want to be back to what we were. I sent her an email at work today with a song from one of the bands she introduced me to last night. Just told her it was a cool song and she'd like it. never heard back from her.

Gotta keep putting out my "playing it cool" face and just let things happen.

I sent her a text two hours ago about a song she recommended and she hasn't replied. That, and her non reply to my email today at work about another song, has my brain going crazy again. God I can be so lame sometimes.

No more texts or emails about songs it is!

I had lots of similar periods of interaction with my ex that felt progressive like this, and you know where that got me. I don't mean to be discouraging - I think that your situation has been looking up! - but yeah, lay back a bit now. Non-responses are just generally unacceptable and rude, and they send a message.

Thanks Maple, totally agree. It is rude.

As much as I want to be back with her I know it would take a lot of work and the second attempt would likely never be as good as the first time.

I still care about her even tho she couldn't really give a rip about me. That much is clear.

I'm still just so stunned by the discard. It's like an everlasting disbelief that haunts me every day. It's exhausting thinking about her as much as I do. It doesn't help that I have to see and hear her every day at work.

I went on a first date the other night and the woman was good looking and fun but there was just something missing - she wasn't my ex.

Part of me wishes I could just wipe my brain clear of my ex and never know she ever existed.

I absolutely relate to that. Mine is now refusing to do a final phone call, and will only text me on Friday night to do the final goodbye (or whatever). The hard push away. For seemingly no good reason. She just wants me gone, and that's really hard to take.

You, however, have at least had *some* positive contact, and no overwhelmingly negative contact (just a lack of positive contact). If you push the issue you'll likely get negative contact. You have an advantage that I don't, which is the ability to force her to see you in person. As much as it suuuuuuuucks, I'd advise you to suck it up and act like it's no big deal and continue to be friendly and positive when you two cross paths. If she wanted to send a message by NOT sending a message, don't let her know that it affected you.

Sorry to hear that she will only text you the final goodbye. That says a lot about her.

And that is really good advice. I will keep up sucking it up and putting out the fun and happy face around her. Because just by doing that and by not bringing up relationship stuff all this time shows strength. I do have strength and I need to give myself credit for that.

thank you, maple.

I'm not sure what it says about her, but you're right. It's like "why the hell not?"

Keeping it light and fun and staying attractive and strong didn't really help me ultimately, but I think it'll help you. It seemed to be getting you positive results for a little bit at least, so take that information and do more of that. But chill for a bit first.

You're welcome!

Yea, been doing my best to be the guy I was when we met. Because I need to go back to being myself for myself alone.

Because of the holidays I haven't seen my T in over 2 weeks. really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. My brain needs it.

I'm definitely going to chill now, tho, with texts/communication.

It may take her some time to initiate things. From my experience, my boyfriend did not reach out to me for a long time. As I found out later, he could not handle it because he was dysregulating.  Responding to you is a good sign.


She could have been busy, did not get a chance to listen to the song, did not receive your text, was tired, or did not think the e-mail needed a response. There are a lot of reasons. I understand that it is easy to right away think of the worst case scenario. I tended to think of the worst case and I spent a lot of time worrying about things that never ended up happening.  

Have you seen her today?

Thanks, Eagles. Your experiences and advice help me a lot. It's all about not worrying and letting things happen. My brain gets going and your words help reel things in.

Haven't seen her yet today, only from a distance.

I'm just gonna keep being me. the real me. the good me.

It is my pleasure. When I am worried, it helps me to talk about it and listen to other people's perspectives. I understand how tough it is with anxiety from the push-pull. It is like you feel as if you are waiting for the inevitable push to happen.  PwBPD are really hyper sensitive and many times can tell when another is worried or has anxiety.  As the non-BPD partner, our reactions can either exacerbate or assuage dysregulation or emotional sensitivity. When I started worrying less and had my own anxiety tamed, it made such a difference. 

Remember, she fell in love with the real you.  :)

Thanks, Eagles. I sometimes think that her not contacting me is going to lead her to forgetting about me, which hurts. or that it's gonna lead her so far away that she never even thinks of coming back.

I just gotta keep being me and let things play out as they will.

And i gotta learn to push all the good memories deeper into my brain because they pop up all the time and hurt me. So many little triggers.

Man, I relate to that! Stay cool, my man. It helped me for a while with my ex.

Just saw her and her friend, who i'm also friends with, having lunch in the lounge. I go over and say hello and her friend asks me what i did for NYE. I say i went on a road trip with some friends. the ex says, in a joking manner/tone "you don't have any friends!"

she always jokes with people like that but i just smiled and said I had tons of friends.

then i asked her friend about her boyfriend who was hit by a car last week. She said he was doing better and I said that was good to hear. then I went and filled up my water bottle and went back to my desk.

Hi Anez,

I was intrigued by your post as it seems to have some similarities to my situation. I'm pretty sure my ex has BPD as well as some npd traits. I was discarded last month without ceremony after a very intense 3 month relationship that was pretty much split right up the middle; 6 weeks of idealising, followed by 6 weeks of devalue and a very abrupt discard via text. There's more to it than that, as there always is, but that's the short version.

I've been dumped before and by women far more beautiful than her but this one has just floored me, I was absolutely gutted and I was at a loss to understand why, other than I made the mistake of letting her know how much I was into her... .pretty much when devalue started, funny that! That's when I started looking around and doing some research around BPD/npd and I think I may have my answer... .

Anyway, I just said I understood and returned her things via recorded delivery just as she asked and went hardcore no contact, including Xmas N Year and no response to her Xmas card saying she had hoped we could remain "friends" (don't think so!). I made a concerted effort not to go places where our paths might cross however I ran into her for the first time on Monday night. I could tell she was a bit awkward and initially she didn't make eye contact but I thought it best to take the high ground and when I caught her eye, I smiled and she smiled back. When the event was over I walked over and gave her a hug and kiss to which she responded very well and she just started talking and didn't seem to want to stop. Her face was very close and she was looking right into my eyes and essentially the conversation felt as if she were looking for my approval around certain things she was doing in her life. This was almost EXACTLY as our relationship started as she approached me (threw herself at me is more like it) in the style of the "vulnerable seducer" that I've read about. I thought it best to be the one to step away from the conversation which I did but when I left the venue she was still outside. I walked over, gave her another hug/kiss and told her it was nice to see her and left.

I have gone back to no contact but can't deny the urge to send her a quick message just to test the waters. She seemed very pleased to see me and it was obvious to me the attraction is still very much alive. I'm very torn over this as there's a part of me that thinks I'd be crazy to get back in the ring with this woman and another part of me that longs for her in a way that I'm not sure I've ever experienced. It's soo confusing... .I just don't understand why this woman got so far under my skin... .it's extraordinary... .

I'm going travelling to India for a month very soon to stay at an Ashram and do a little spiritual healing which I told her when I saw her. I'm torn between making some light contact with her before I go or waiting until I return with a clear head. I guess I can't deny I want her back... .at least today I do.

I thought your post was very well written and I had a lot of identification. Much like you, I suppose I wonder why she doesn't contact me (tho it's only been 2 days) since she was the dumper. I'd be eager to hear anyone's thoughts on my situation? I wish I had some thoughts for you Anez but I'm very new to this although I'm pretty sure that had I done anything other than no contact, the result when I did finally see her would have been very different. I hope things work out for you and everyone else here! All the best... .

It is common for many people to think that a pwBPD will forget about you. It is true that some people who suffer from BPD have issues with object permanence (out of sight, out of mind). Although, it really does not "erase" someone.  

With circumstances of my relationship and the number of times of NC (initiated by him) I would have bet my life that he forgot about me. Hell, he basically displayed behavior that reinforced these thoughts.

He explained things to me when he was more stable and returned back into my life. He specifically told me that was not the case and thought about me everyday. He would hear one of our songs on the radio or see something that reminded him of me. He thought of me all the time and missed me. The first reaction I thought was why didn't he reach out? Before he began to tell me why he didn't reach out, I answered my own question in my head. I was thinking of my situation from a "normal" perspective and that was making things even harder for me. It makes complete sense from a BPD perspective. It is a script in a sense. A person with sensitivity to emotions and experiences them more so than others, who ultimately cannot control or regulate those emotions. As a result, they engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as impulsive behavior, avoidance, escapism in order to feel better or regulate their emotions. Once their emotions regulate or go back to a "baseline," their own feelings of shame, guilt, low self-esteem, low self-worth, and self-loathing, are triggered as a response to  maladaptive self-regulating behavior; then the cycle repeats itself. He reaffirmed this by telling me that he felt too much shame and sadness reaching out to me. He felt like he was a horrible person for the things he did and did not deserve me.  He wanted to reach out to me, but had so much shame. Then he would do something, like drinking to numb or make himself forget about his feelings. When he sobered up, the cycle would repeat itself.  

And now she's just sitting at the table, which is near my desk, just laughing it up with her two friends.

It's moments like these that I think she's a child and I am so much better off not being consumed by her.

It's just her tone and her carefree attitude that really just annoys me right now. and i have to just sit at my desk and take it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Brab. And I don't know if I have any advice because of what I'm going through right now. It's ups and downs. Most of my time i think i want her back and then i get angry at myself and just want to never think about her again.

it's good that you're taking a long trip. it will help you. If your heart says to reach out to her before you go I'd say go for it but keep it light with no relationship talk. nothing that can make you seem clingy or vulnerable.

this whole thing sucks.

That is all very good info for me, Eagles. I'm sorry for everything you went through. How did it end up with you guys?

I'm fuming right now stemming from what I talked about in the post below. And feeling very trapped at work. here's this girl who is in the office every day walking around carefree and loose and I'm spending 95 percent of my days thinking about it.

i hate it more than ever right now.

When I think about my story, it is actually unbelievable in a way. Things are going pretty well actually. The relationship has dramatically shifted within the last three months and evolved into in what could be considered equalitarian. I had to make a lot of changes and work on myself.


You really cannot be sure if she is carefree and loose. It is highly likely that she may feel nervous too.  :) I think perhaps that is why she made the joking comment, to try to lighten things. 

Are you more upset that she is carefree or that you are having trouble being carefree at the moment?

I think it's a mixture of both. Like how she can she just treat me like i'm some random co-worker considering our past and why do i feel so much anxiety, anger, and pain that she can just cast me aside like this.

and then i have nowhere to go and have to see her like this every day. While I spend 90 percent of my days thinking about here, spending time on here opening up, and spending good money on weekly therapy.

it makes me angry and sad and makes me feel alone.

it's frustrating.

but maybe she was nervous as she does get anxiety around me. and i'm just blowing it up. it's just how i feel right now and i hate it.

Thanks for your support Anez... .I'm leaning into continued no contact (counterintuitive) at least until I have a chance to clear my head and get some intellect over emotion. I'm not without compassion for this woman, I'm sure it's not very nice to live in her head but I also love myself and under normal circumstances, I'd NEVER allow someone to treat me as she has treated me and this baffles me. I distinctly remember the day when the devaluation started and some of the comments she made I believe most would consider to be abusive. On one occasion when she snapped at me as I was driving her to a meeting in downtown London (messy), if she were anyone else I would have thrown her (not physically of course) out of my car... .but I just said quite firmly "you need to stay calm". This is just not my style. I don't mean to sound haughty, but I'm a fairly attractive, and more importantly, kind man and I don't have much trouble meeting women.

I had been nc for nearly a month when I saw her and I think things were starting to shift, but I have to admit seeing her on Monday has turned my brain back into porridge! I just don't get it. I also think ex's have this built in radar to the universe or something and they somehow know when we're single again. I've had one come sniffing around over the holidays who may be one of the most beautiful, kind, albeit a bit complicated women I've ever been with and I just can't be asked? I don't get it but before I do anything I think I need to get it, really get it. I've been reading stories about people who take their lives over this stuff and I believe we can be playing with fire here if we're not careful but as I said, at this point, I still want her back and I think the best thing at least for me, for now, is no contact which is INCREDIBLY difficult. I think that anything else I do right now will be seen as needy and I believe that if there is to be a reconciliation, I need to be coming from a place of "not needy" aka power I suppose. I also think it would have to be on bilateral terms, not unilateral otherwise it's never going to work, at least not for me but wow, BPD/npd is a very powerful thing and I'm not afraid to admit I think that idealisation is soo powerful. I completely lost the plot. I'm very keen to hear of anyone else's experiences, particularly around nc... .

Just read you previous posts and I feel for you but it sound like you handled it brilliantly! My kid sister sees my ex all the time and it winds me up to no end hearing that she laughing smiling and acting like she doesn't have a care in the world while I'm trying to glue my insides back in... .

I've done it once effectively, and had her come back after about a year. I had truly moved on and didn't take her back. This was after a prolonged on-again/off-again struggle that finally came to a head. Then a year went by, then I got an email about some of my old stuff she found at her house, I came to pick it up and she begged me to take her back, and I walked away with my stuff.

I've also done it once ineffectively, where I broke NC after six weeks, then went through ten months of push/pull hell trying to have a relationship with her again. She's in NC with me now, or at least she will be after Friday, I'm assuming. Last talk scheduled.

Thanks MapleBob, I think no contact for me has two distinct purposes, to give her a chance to miss me (if people pwBPD actually do) and reflect (again if pwBPD actually do) on a relationship where she was treated with patience, respect and kindness by a guy that she claimed to be "really into" right up to the discard... .and of course to give me a chance to heal and get myself back together before I make contact... .

That said, I'm thinking I shouldn't even attempt to contact her until I return from India in mid Feb, hopefully in a much better state of mind... .

Thing is, I'm wondering if she'll attempt to contact me after our meeting on Monday or will her BPD or perhaps pride and ego prevent her from doing that like Eagles has noted? I find that stage since as far as I can see, she doesn't think she did anything wrong and I'm sure she's attributed our split entirely on my being clingy/needy? I have to be honest, I'm kind of hoping she will tho I'm not sure if it's because I want to jump back in or have the satisfaction of ignoring it... .probably not nice but it's my truth right now. Anyone have any thoughts on that?

I think my sister would go crazy on me if I did respond... .she hates her. Bless her, she's just very protective... .I think I'd get a lot of flak from friends and family if I did get back together with my ex as they're aware of how she treated me. Is anyone else faced with getting crap from friends and family over a reconciliation with exBPD?

Yup, I'd definitely get crap from two friends who have had to listen to me the past few months.

It's funny how emotions swing. This morning I had hope. Right now all I have is anger and sadness.

The friends I talk to about this are sick to death of hearing about it!

I really don't think you should contact her at any time. pwBPD do miss exes, and they do reflect. Their perceptions are often emotionally distorted, so they reach some odd conclusions sometimes, but they do think about these things, I'm sure.

You guys are great!

You're mates are always there to lean on during a break up and quid pro quo... .but people don't understand what this is like and just how painful it is... .THIS IS NOT LIKE ANY BREAK UP! I've never experienced anything like this and it baffles me... .just baffles me and what baffles me more is that I still want her back?

I try and think it through and what would that look like? My sister hates her, my mates think she's a dragon and she treated me like a bad dog? I think I'd have my work cut out for me. Has anyone had a successful grown up relationship with a pwBPD. I think mine is more the waif type tho she's highly functional.

MapleBob, why do you say no contact ever? Did you note something particular? My head is spinning as I learn more and more about this... .but it's the best answers I've heard from anyone since all this happened... .

Well, two things:

You're right, these breakups aren't like the other ones because they are so confusing. I don't think I'll ever make sense of my ex's reasoning. Makes it really hard to validate, I'll tell you. Mine was a high-functioning waif as well. I thought we were having a successful grownup relationship, but I wasn't given the whole story until it was too late.

I say that you should do No Contact in that you should not contact her. If she contacts you, fair game, but don't initiate. I wish I had done that.

Ahhh! Thanks MapleBob, I understand. Do you have any thoughts on Eagle's comments about pwBPD contacting you? I don't think mine feels one iota of guilt or shame over the way I was discarded... .in fact she even posted my toothbrush and half a stick of deodorant back to me... .bloody frosty that was... .

Then I see her and it's like when we first met with those big (albeit a bit vacant) doggie bowl eyes and victim seducer thing going on? What is that all about? I've tried to be objective and think did I see what I wanted to see and I'm pretty sure I didn't. I actually had to walk away and she followed and didn't leave until I introduced her to a friend that I know made her uncomfortable and she had to walk away, yet she was outside trying to look like she wasn't waiting for me?

Which comment are you referring to? I'd default to "either they'll contact you, or they won't, but try your damnedest not to wait around for that contact!"

Mine has been incredibly cold too. I just got a Christmas card from her where she said "looking forward to talking to you in the new year!", dated two weeks before she quit on me. I didn't do anything to deserve that change in perspective.

I've stopped talking to my buddies about it for the most part because I feel bad for bringing it up all the time and they don't get BPD. I save it for here and for my weekly therapy sessions.

I can't wait for therapy tomorrow.

Ouch! I don't think my discard was planned... .it came after I told her I was unhappy and needed her to show some warmth... .big mistake that was, she went berserk, said "How old are you?" I just took it on the chin which is not my style but I think I was so shocked by her response, I simply didn't know what to do. She opened up multiple dramas about 4 weeks into our relationship and at the risk of sounding "victimy" I just tried to be a good bf and be supportive... .and these were no small dramas... .then the emotional vampire came out and when I wanted some back... .well, that was a hanging offense... .crazy and even more crazy that I want her back... .

What really throws me is how quickly they change... .ice Queens one minute and melt butter the next? Is this really all about some distorted fear of abandonment? So distorted that they need to make a pre emptive strike?

I'm blessed to have some very open minded and forward thinking friends and my kid sister who have had my 6 all through this but you really can't understand just what this is like until you've felt the sharp end of it... .I'm so grateful to have found this board and some kindred spirits

Apparently! I don't fully understand it either.

I can make some sense of it... .hindsight eh?

She wanted me to go on holiday with her and tho I told her I couldn't, the truth was her dramas were so intense I wanted a break so she went with her mum but I NEVER heard the end of it... .right up to the end... .she took it so personally which makes sense now as well as many other things and as I now recall, she not only said "how old are you?" but that was followed by, "I feel like you're always unhappy with me"... .I'm just having one epiphany after another as I learn more and more... .

I'm on this board because my heart tells me I want to pull this out of the fire but can you really do that with these people? It really must be horrible to live in a head like that but sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants... .is it possible to have a sustainable relationship with a pwBPD?

I suppose the only thing I can do is "nothing" which is the most difficult thing. I really believe that anything I send to her will be seen as needy and the irony of all this is that my experience in similar matters is the "moment" the exact "moment" you let go and send that energy out to the universe is precisely when she'll come knocking on my door... .mental!

There are people here that have managed it. But it takes full commitment from both of you. That seems to be the bottom line.

Really identify Anez and sorry for your difficulty... .

I go up and down as well... .sometimes I'm ok with all of this and other times I just want to lash out and tell this woman how much she hurt me which I suspect she'd feed off of. I've given no indication of this and I've played it very cool but I am livid!

Really feeling it today and want to send venom but I know I must hold the line and stay cool... .one of the most difficult things I've ever done really.

I hear about her swanning around as if she didn't have a care in the world and I'm in so much pain... .I know it's wrong but I want her to suffer like I am but the paradox here is that every day I hold the line, I get my power back and I'm sure sooner or later it will get to her. She told me all her ex's chased after her and begged and pleaded for her return and I've done none of that... .

I think that this is the best strategy possible if I really want her back. Maybe it doesn't apply to pwBPD but my experience has been, women tend to want what they can't or don't think they can have... .

Patience, patience, patience... .arrrgghhh!

patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience, patience,

OK, I got a laugh out of that... .those are few and far between these days... .and today is one of those days... .

i know how you feel, brab. just give yourself some space and don't beat yourself up too much. I have those days all the time and it stinks but you just gotta get through it.

Patience is easier when you're distracted, so distract!

totally agree with Maple. Distraction is great. Last week i was out of town visiting some buddies and it was great for me head. Until I got back home and went to work and saw my ex, but whatever. for those few days i didn't think of her as much as i normally do.

Your trip to India will be great for you. Just get to the date that you leave and you'll be ok. until then, find some distractions.

Just a follow up:

My ex, after trading songs via text for 90 minutes on Monday night, didn't respond to an email i sent her at work (we work together) on Tuesday about a band she sent me and didn't respond to a text I sent her tuesday night about a song she sent me.

Did the texting on Monday night strip her of her power of her power a little bit, causing her to back off and attempt to get her power back a little bit?

Is she painting me black because of a song I sent her that I quickly realized had suicide themes in it and then quickly told her not to listen to that song but another song from the same singer? I doubt she listened to either song, tho.

Is she just over me and moving on and sending a message?

Quite possibly none of those things. I think you're over-thinking this. I've been guilty of that plenty, so I know how it feels. It doesn't ultimately matter why (her "reasons" are probably incomprehensible anyway, if she's anything like my ex), it matters what.

Totally agree with the overthinking this. It's easy to do and I do it all the time. what do you mean by what, tho?

She had a 90-minute conversation with you and then dropped it like a hot potato. That's rude. I mean, sure, maybe she fell asleep or something, but a person who was trying to keep you around would then wake up and tell you that. Not only that, but she didn't respond to further contact.

So you hang back now, act like it didn't bother you, smile at her at work, and get through the day.

thanks, maple.

Yup, totally gonna do that at work today and every day. I've become really good at acting like nothing bothers me with her at work. I just smile and say hello and crack a joke with her and move on with my day.

I forget, how did you two get together in the first place? Did she approach you?

We sat across from each other at work (we don't anymore) and would chat/flirt. I was married at the time but things quickly picked up and got a little out of control. I think she approached me and I responded to her approaches when, as a married man, I prob shouldn't have. But I became addicted to her.

and here we are.

You're... .married? How did I not get that before. Anyway, yeah, that's what I figured happened.

I was married. until my wife found out about this. She and I tried to work things out after but a few months later she decided that we had to end the marriage. I cooled off with the ex during the time when i was trying to save the marriage. then about a month after my ex-wife made the decision about the marriage my exPWBPD picked things up again.

Not an ideal start to a relationship but it's how it went down.

It's funny how many of these relationships start with some kind of triangulation. Food for thought.

Yup, it definitely is. My T thinks her thing is getting with guys who are already in a relationship/married because odds are it won't get serious. But ours did and when it got really serious she ran.

The more I think of this the more I know it's probably best for me to just move and find someone who isn't like this. But, as we all know, it's hard. I think it might be easier if I didn't have to work with her everyday and see and hear her, but who knows.

I'm meeting with my T today ... .haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks. And boy do I have a lot to talk about.

Until then, I won't reach out to her. She most likely won't reach out to me. She probably knows how I feel and the next move is up to her. Space, time, and see what happens.

but man, the discard is a painful thing especially after everything we went through and everything it cost me.

good times!

Believe me, man, I know. It freaking sucks. But hey, look at it this way: she could have led you on for ten months after the breakup like mine did, only to do an about-face on you.

Yea I'm starting to think the faster we can get these people out of our lives and heads the better.

there are so many good people out there. we deserve good people.

The trick is identifying the good ones! Being cautious without being too aloof or stand-offish.

Take a look at this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288595.0

Helping me stay angry enough to stay away from self-doubting my perceptions.

Thanks for your support guys and yes, I'm counting down the days to India... .

Trying very hard to stay busy and not let her take up too much space in my head tho for some reason I find some peace in learning more about this condition... .I'm starting to think that what happened was inevitable no matter how I conducted myself... .

I don't know how you do it Anez? It must be very difficult to work with you ex. I have a fairly broad social cross over with my ex's friends and I find that incredibly hard going. I always turn on the charm and act as if I'm perfectly fine and happy when I just want to tell them to foxtrot oscar and don't ever speak to me if they know what's good for them but I always manage to carry it off. I don't think I've been smeared but I'm sure I've been portrayed as needy and clingy which is a wind up in itself as the truth is, it's the other way around. You just have to suck it up as you can be sure her mates co sign her bs... .

I don't know if my hardcore nc strategy is the most effective but I just can't see any other way... .I'd be curious if anyone else has gone hardcore nc to a positive outcome?

DING DING DING.  :)

And yes, hardcore NC does sometimes "work", if you use it for getting over them. It doesn't work on them, they make their own decisions regardless.

Ahhh, it's all so confusing but if I can't be honest here, well... .

I'm in hardcore nc for both ends really... .I'm hoping it will help me get a grip on this whole thing and heal... .but I'm also hoping it will bring her back, make her miss me / come to her senses? Is this an exercise in futility? If so what is the best strategy to pull these relationships out of the fire?

The ONLY strategy that pulls these relationships out of the fire permanently is mutually committing to doing things differently.

Indeed, I agree Bob... .but the question is, how do you get to that place? How do you come together to negotiate this?

From what I saw the other night, the physical attraction is very much alive and well. I know you have similar experience with a functional waif type BPD and I'm curious here. I haven't heard from her since then and I'm wondering if her not making contact could be due to either a falsely inflated ego or perhaps more likely; a fear of how I might react if she did i.e. fear of rejection?

I'm aware that I'm only 6 weeks or so past the breakup which is nothing really, not even in so called normal relationships. I have a clear resolve at this point not to even attempt any contact until after I return from India where it's possible she may become a non event in my life and I'll just crack on. That said, someone needs to break the ice and from what I know of her, it's not likely to be her. Even when I was idealised, she made her interest very obvious but I still had to make the first move... .very perplexing this stuff is... .

I know, it's a really weird Catch-22 kind of situation. My real advice is to go to India and hit her up when you come back if you still want to. If you two are connected on social media, post pictures of you having an amazing time (which you will). That's the best you can do.

Mine loves to not contact me but loves to sit in the lounge at work every day and eat her lunch. the lounge that is right near my desk. and boy does she like to laugh and carry on.

She's doing it right now and I just put some headphones on.

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