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Dear Friends, I have a situation of severe parental alienation following a very wise decision to divorce my uBPD Ex.  I have not had any contact with my dear sons for more than 5 years.  The details are chronicled on this site.  I am a persistent person and I have been persisting at ways to recover from this.  I've gotta say that after countless therapists, groups, and efforts over the past 5+, I have made a substantial discovery:  Self Compassion!  It connects some mini-epiphanies around gratitude, allowing one's self to be vulnerable, and gaining peace through meditation.  The go-to source for this is a book entitled "Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff.  This source has allowed me to break through some pain by allowing me to feel the pain but not resist it.  For so long, I have been beating myself up for feeling the pain.  Now that I allow myself to feel the pain and feel compassion for myself and others who feel a similar pain, it lessens the intensity and I can finally feel it starting to dissipate.  Not a magic bullet, but a highly valuable concept for good people who feel stuck and then feel constrained or ashamed by that feeling.  if you are grasping and need a lift, try this!

I have the fortunate to have read "Self-Compassion" some time ago. In good times, practicing self-kindness is good for our emotional health and well-being. And in dark times, it lends me invaluable support and helps me to find redemption.

In the spirit of common humanity, I like to share that I am in a similar situation and I share your pain. My own son is also alienated from me. A young one is still healthy, as least for now. The pain is unspeakable. For all of us suffering here, we all deserve a hug and compassion.

  loads of hugs. for half-life & alf I'm so sorry for your current lack of contact with your kids. May that soon change.

Can you give some examples of "self-kindness" , it sound great. But I'm guessing it not about eating a tub of ice cream.

Hey alf and half-life, I'm in the Club, too.  Just saw my two sons yesterday for the first time in over two years at a meeting with a court-appointed therapist.  It has been been a daily sadness for me to be estranged from those I hold dear.  It has taken me two years of fighting in Court with my BPDxW to see my boys.  The pain is brutal.  I appreciate the book recommendation and will plan to pick up.  I'm happy to help and appreciate that others are willing to share their struggles with parental alienation.

LuckyJim

Here's another take. Sometimes having self-compassion is really an act of letting go of fear. When we are not afraid of failure and not overthinking our decisions, I think that is true self-compassion.

Letting go of these things will always seem difficult, but it's really quite easy. We're going to have emotions. They are temporary. But when we allow them to fully determine our behavior, we are not being compassionate to ourselves.

I'm glad that you're working on leaning into those emotions, aif. It's going to be hard, but if you stay true to that idea you'll reap some pretty great rewards.  :)

Yes.  What if having compassion for ourselves is just a letting go, a daring to live all the way, a refusal to repress or avoid.  Letting go doesn't take much work, just let go, maybe scary at first, and an opportunity to create courage too.

The main ideas can be found on her website.

www.self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/#3elements

For me, it comes more easy when I envision there is myself suffering, and then there is a separate self observing. And he is supporting the suffering self with kindness and compassion, telling him he has done mostly right thing and not to beat himself up.

I just read this and wanted to re-share this thread re self-compassion, as it contains some great information - just what the doctor ordered :)  Thank you!