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He just told me he has two kids... .We were in a long distance relationship. He broke up with me 5 times in 10 months. He kept braking no contact and today he just spit out he is divorced and has two kids. He said it while trying to explain why he behaved the way he did, to explain the pull/push behavior etc. He said he was afraid I was going to leave him if I knew (?) I believe his knows me good enough to know that this is not true... .

I don't know if this is true. I don't know if he has kids... .  don't know if he is still married... .I don't know who he is... .I am lost and numb... .I am in shock

If you are detaching does it really matter?  If it does why not do a background check on him?  There's all these web service companies where you pay a small fee and they do a fairly thorough check and then you'll have your answers.

I know it shouldn't but right now it does... .I want to know what was true and what was just a huge lie. I am not sure I can find these kind of services where he is from. He is in Greece

Penelope35... .I'm very sorry you have experienced that level of deceit... .I'd struggle to accept any sentence he said as truth now after that amount of concealment  

He has chosen to keep this from you... .you would have accepted it, yet he didn't give you that chance due to his fear.  An adult who is behaving based on fear... .and lying about such important things does not sound like a reliable, trustworthy potential partner to me... .what do you think?... .

I appreciate you want the truth... .you invested emotionally in this person and you have been let down massively.  Are you sure knowing he has lied more will make you feel better?... .or make a more informed choice?... .don't you have enough information about how this person behaves right now?... .

How much time did you actually spend with him? Mine would get involved with someone and then try and get rid of them when it went too far since he was married. He didn't know how to handle them... .Kind of sounds like yours may be married with kids and was having a great time, but now he is done. Watch the show Catfish... .It is all about people that deceive others online or in long distance relationships. You really have to be careful. There are allot of awful people out there these days... .really makes me afraid of dating at all. Sorry you are going through this... .

We haven't spend much time together... .Yes I already have enough information to realise he is not trustworthy but I want to know the truth... .I can't see how he could be married... .it doesn't make sense but something tells me he is... .I have to know... .I can't even think or type straight right now. I m in shock. I need to find out

Penelope,

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. These discoveries do not only add new input to a situation, they seem to take away from us part of what we believed was our life, our reality. Sometimes, I feel like the mind and feelings are forced to work both backward and forward and it's just paralyzing. I know it's painful.

Then, to make matters worse, these deceits are presented as things that we were done because "they didn't want to lose us." This confuses us even more because we are offered a hint of "love" - in the end, they didn't want to lose us, so maybe... .

Some people do these connivingly, others really cause a mess because they didn't want to lose us but also couldn't handle their own situation properly.

In either case, when someone confuses you to the point of you not understanding your own reality, that is a dangerous relationship. Intentionally or unintentionally. Because people who can do these are usually overall very immature. Not in this thing, but probably in everything. Those small things become very important in time as well. Someone who is capable of playing with truth (in whatever form, be it hiding, making it up, changing it, half omitting it) would give you nothing but pain in the long run. It would be very difficult to trust him.

I think this can be an epiphany and your confusion right now is the key, not what he felt, not how much he says he loves you, whether it's truth or not.

Big hug, and stay strong.

Penelope

I think a lot of times why breakups hurt as much is because we basically didn't get a chance to "hate" the other person. We still hold them in high regard in our minds. I knew when I was dating my ex that she was not to be trusted, but I just refused to accept it. I just always had a bad feeling when she was on her own. Even after the breakup I pushed away any negative thought that she would do anything to intentionally hurt me. I WANTED to see the best in her. I didn't follow my gut, but also she was a master at hiding anything that could make it easy for me to see her in a bad light and reject her right back.

I did some digging and found out eventually that she was sleeping with one of my close friends after she left me. I saw the xxx rated pictures she would take of herself and send to him... They did all of this in secret, and they both knew it would screw me up even more if I found out. They knew it was wrong, my friend knew he was betraying my trust, they just didn't care. They both still looked me in the eye on a daily basis like nothing was happening. No remorse. I confronted her, she tried to lie her way out, but when I mentioned the pictures she admitted it. I found communications between her and her ex, she made me believe she's at home on the couch trying to get some sleep bc she's sick. Seems she drove to him, picked him up and went apartment shopping with him and God knows what else... we were still together when she did it. I found other stuff too but you get the picture.

I spoke to you about the "mental image" we hold of ppl in our minds on another thread. The TRUTH helped me change that image... .It's no longer "all things nice", as I was mistakenly thinking all along.

You can do some digging, but be prepared to get hurt. You probably won't like what you find.

Personally I'm glad I did, it showed me without a shadow of a doubt who my real friends were and that she's nothing more than a deranged, deceitful, whorish woman. Imagine her having to raise my kids... no thanks.

.

I apologise for not replying to your messages earlier. I surely read them over and over as well as everybodies posts on the forum but I actually didn't have the strength to reply... .

I decided to do some digging after all ( which I never thought I would ever do) and actually found out he is married... .I just can't believe it... .I have been since questioning and doubting every single feeling and word he shared with me and it's driving me crazy. I just don't understand how he did this to me. I don't know if he is separated or in a good relationship with her but they surely do live together. I had no idea... .

I haven't confronted him about it but I want to. I just don't know if there is really any reason for me to do that. I am devastated. I don't even have the strength to confront him... .

Sorry for sounding so pathetic

Very often, none of those relationships make sense at the end. "I have been since questioning and doubting every single feeling and word he shared with me and it's driving me crazy. I just don't understand how he did this to me."<---- that's pretty much word for word how I felt when I was ghosted a year ago.

Hang in there, it does get better with time.

It's not pathetic.  What you are experiencing is a normal, healthy response to betrayal.  I was with my BPD ex for a little over a year, and only recently discovered that he had been trying to lure other women into relationships online, as well as actively maintaining an online dating profile, the *entire time* we were together, all the while asserting that I was the love of his life/he wanted to marry me/he wanted to be with me forever/etc.  He currently steals other women's photos without their knowledge or consent from their social media accounts and reposts them on his own as though they are in a relationship.  These people are sick.  Normal boundaries, rules, healthy attitudes towards love and caring, guilt, remorse, etc. aren't part of their world.  Your shock and dismay are perfectly normal, and your fear of confronting him and doubt and devastation are all legitimate responses to what he has done.  I am so sorry that you are going through this, but, you have lots of support and listening ears here.