BPDFamily.com

Well this is my first post and I'm hoping I get positive feedback. My bf and I have been together 8 months. We moved into our own place together in December. I had a miscarriage in October and we grew strong but four days ago my partner out of the blue split up with me and dropped all of my stuff off at my old place. I am desperately in love with him and I know he loves me so why did he do it and is there a chance I can get him back. He's struggled with BPD most of his life. I've tried to help but clearly not enough. What I don't get is if he still loves me then why's he cut all contact from me. I honestly am crushed. We had plans for marriage. We've been through everything together. Please help me. I know it sounds silly but I've had a few relationships end abruptly but this is the one where I can't sleep and I cry all day. Yet I feel like he doesn't even care   :'(

Hi sophiew12, 

*welcome*

I am so sorry for your loss. I imagine how traumatic that must have been for you to mourn and grieve a miscarriage.    I understand how distraught you are with your boyfriend's behavior.    We are here to help and support you and it is not silly for you to be upset. We understand how painful these relationships can be.

BPD can be completely baffling. It is a disorder that is paradoxical and erratic. The core of BPD is emotional dysregulation. People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to be very sensitive to emotions. They have a very hard time controlling or regulating painful emotions. When they are having difficulties regulating emotions it is known as dysregulation.  PwBPD learn to regulate emotions by maladaptive coping mechanisms. Sometimes a pwBPD will over control the intense emotions by  suppressing, dissociating, , or shutting down to regulate. When this happens it can seem like a pwBPD is not showing empathy or does not care. Actually, they are internalizing their emotions and feelings. Other times, pwBPD will regulate their emotions by engaging in impulsive behavior, such as self-harm, binge drinking and eating, gambling, and promiscuity. Impulsively engaging in these behaviors can temporarily regulate their emotions and provide immediate relief. Sometimes a pwBPD will avoid, flee, and escape painful emotions by distancing and isolating themselves.  Emotions and feelings rule a pwBPD's life. For a pwBPD, the intense feelings are perceived as facts and feelings can be erratic and change quickly.

Another facet of BPD, is a lack of object constancy. PwBPD see people as parts, such as good and bad. People are not viewed as having a variety of both "good" and "bad" traits; it is one or another. That is commonly known as splitting. When a pwBPD is upset and perceives his partner as withholding or frustrating, he can paint them black or split them as "bad." On the other hand, when a partner is viewed as giving and loving, he can be painted white or split "good."  Considering a pwBPD's life is governed by emotions, their emotions drive the way they perceive their partners. One moment a partner could be painted white, the next moment could be painted black. Analogous to a lack of object constancy and emotional dysregulation, pwBPD have fears of abandonment and engulfment. The fear of abandonment drives a need to pull the partner closer, while engulfment fears drive a pwBPD to push a partner away. When a partner is pushed far away, abandonment fears will get triggered. When a partner becomes too close and becomes stifling and "swallowing up" the pwBPD's identity, engulfment fears become triggered.This cycle of the push-pull is one of the most confusing aspects of BPD. It can make you feel on an emotional roller coaster and is the quintessential, "I hate you, don't leave me."

Does this sound like some of the things that your boyfriend does?

I have heard my pwBPD tell me that he loved me more than I could ever imagine and tell me to move on in the same sentence. Out of the blue my pwBPD also packed up all his stuff and moved out.  From a normal perspective, it is a complete contradiction and looks like he does not care. Although from a BPD perspective, the behavior makes more sense.

What happened right before he split up with you? Has he done anything like this before?

Looking forward to your response.

That is exactly what he is like. But this time it's different. Before we'd have arguments and he'd make me leave for a while, maybe even a day but he'd always call and text and say I'm sorry, can you come back?. This time it's been five days and he's packed up all of my stuff and still ignores me. I didn't speak to him all of yesterday. And I'm hoping that the space will do him well. I looked on fb today and he'd changed his profile picture back to one of us but when I went to pick my stuff up he had everything packed. I am very confused.

On the day he split up with me he was fine that morning but that afternoon when he picked me up after I'd seen my friend he was odd and strange and just unresponsive. What can I do?

Hery sophie, that sound really hard. 

It seems like he's asking for space right now, lots of it. So maybe laying off is best right now, until he can sort his thoughts out.

What do you think?